40s and cancer

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saltygirl
Posts: 164
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40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Sun Oct 03, 2021 11:26 am

Hi,
I wonder if anybody has had the same feeling. I love my husband. But he mentally left me when I was dealing with the worst of my life. Now I have feeling to explore sex with other people. I am in my 40s. And many finds me very attractive. I feel like life is too short. Kids are college age. Am I so wrong?
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

Rock_Robster
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:27 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby Rock_Robster » Sun Oct 03, 2021 8:53 pm

Cancer tests relationships hard, and unfortunately many don’t make it through. Not everyone has what it takes to be a caregiver, whereas patients don’t get a choice in the matter.

Your feelings are totally understandable and natural. My only suggestion would be to consider talking this through a bit more with someone before you do anything too irreversible - if you don’t feel like you can discuss this with your husband now, then perhaps a counsellor/therapist first?

Best of luck,
Rob
41M Australia
2018 Dx RC
G2 EMVI LVI, 4 liver mets
pT3N1aM1a Stage IVa MSS NRAS G13R
CEA 14>2>32>16>19>30>140>70
11/18 FOLFOX
3/19 Liver resection
5/19 Pelvic IMRT
7/19 ULAR
8/19 Liver met
8/19 FOLFOX, FOLFOXIRI, FOLFIRI
12/19 Liver resection
NED 2 years
11/21 Liver met, PALN, lung nodules
3/22 PVE, lymphadenectomy, liver SBRT
10/22 PALN SBRT
11/22 Liver mets, peri nodule. Xeloda+Bev
4/23 XELIRI+Bev
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3/24 VAXINIA (CF33 + hNIS) trial

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
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Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Mon Oct 04, 2021 7:53 am

Thank you for not judging me. I got married really young. Now with everything that happened. I feel like I have missed out.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

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beach sunrise
Posts: 1033
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2020 7:14 pm

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby beach sunrise » Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:01 am

It is perfectly normal to "go back" and wish you had done things or things differently. I get it.
But, reality is you have to go forward using the past as something learned to make things better now. Life happens (the good, the bad and the tragic).
8/19 RC CEA 82.6 T3N0M0
5FU/rad 6 wk
IVC 75g 1 1/2 wks before surgery. Continue 2x a week
Surg 1/20 -margins T4bN1a IIIC G2 MSI- 1/20 LN+ LVI+ PNI-
pre cea 24 post 5.9
FOLFOX
7 rds 6-10 CEA 11.4 No more
CEA
7/20 11.1 8.8
8/20 7.8
9/20 8.8, 9, 8.6
10/20 8.1
11/20 8s
12/20 8s-9s
ADAPT++++ chrono
CEA
10/23/22 26.x
12/23/22 22.x
2023
1/5 17.1
1/20 15.9
3/30 14.9
6/12 13.3
8/1 2.1
Nodule RML SUV 1.3 5mm
Rolles 3 of 4 lung nodules cancer
KRAS
Chem-sens test failed Not enough ca cells to test

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ginabeewell
Posts: 565
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby ginabeewell » Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:08 am

My first husband shut me out emotionally during several years of infertility treatment. I thought our relationship would improve once we had kids, because he was so unhappy without them.

It didn’t work. And during that period, I fell in love with my business partner / best friend.

I’ll spare you the details, but I will say that what ensued was a major mess that hurt many, many people. This was over 10 years ago, and we are still feeling the after effects.

I wasn’t able to save my marriage, but my top regret is not realizing my marriage was in trouble and make efforts to save it or leave it before getting involved with someone else. I thought I could “outsource intimacy” without paying a price. I was so, so wrong.

Please do not go down this path without discussing with a personal therapist and perhaps engaging a couples therapist as well. There is a good book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” that might give you the diagnostics you need to consider your marriage and if you would be happier outside of it.

Also I get the “what else is out there” question. I was a virgin when I married, and my total count now is 2. So I appreciate your asking but would vehemently recommend against having walked this path myself!!
49 YO mom of twins (11) lucky stepmom of 16/19 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
Currently NED!

Join me on a lookback of my journey via my Strive for Five on Substack here:
https://ginajacobson.substack.com

All treatment details here:
https://www.weareallmadeofstars.net/col ... nt-journey

My favorite posts here:
https://weareallmadeofstars.net/favorite-posts

I_will_fight
Posts: 148
Joined: Mon Jun 29, 2020 3:38 pm

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby I_will_fight » Mon Oct 04, 2021 10:54 am

Life with cancer is challenging for the patient and the partner.

Is extra-marital sex a valid answer? I don´t know. Perhaps you need to ask yourself what your feelings are and why are you even considering going down that way.

Have you fallen out of love, have you discovered your partner is not the right person for you? Is this a kind of revenge or just the desire of enjoying life now that you have experienced fear of death?

Wish you happiness and a long life.
46 yo male Spain
06/2020 - 6cm T3N0M0 CC splenic flex
3 and 4 mm lung ground glass
lymp 0/37
dMMR MSH6
KRAS mt G13D
V/LNI absent
PNI present
07/20 - hemicol surg, optimistic surgeon.
11/20 - 4 x CAPOX completed.
12/20 - Clear colonoscopy
02/21 - MRI liver lesion unchanged.
11/21 - Clear CT
02/22- Colonoscopy: Sessil polyp 3mm
05/22- Clear CT
06/22- Negative Signatera
12/22- Negative Signatera
01/23- Clear CT
07/23- Clear CT, normal markers.
09/23 - Negative Signatera
01/24 - Clear CT

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Mon Oct 04, 2021 5:38 pm

Thank you all for your input. I don’t think I can forgive my husband that he wasn’t there for me. Not sure if I can ever get over it. We have been together for 26 years. But thinking back he wasn’t there for me even in other situations. But he is a great provider. He has worked so hard for us. I know he loves me and our children.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

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ginabeewell
Posts: 565
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby ginabeewell » Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:14 pm

saltygirl wrote:Thank you all for your input. I don’t think I can forgive my husband that he wasn’t there for me. Not sure if I can ever get over it. We have been together for 26 years. But thinking back he wasn’t there for me even in other situations. But he is a great provider. He has worked so hard for us. I know he loves me and our children.


It sounds pretty awful for a man who you say loves you and has been a good provider to have to remain in a marriage with a wife who cannot forgive him - and even less good to add in the question of infidelity. So you may want to think about what, if anything, you owe him and your children in this situation?

It sounds like his behavior really hurt you, and I have empathy for you to be sure. But I doubt this will make you feel much better.
: /
49 YO mom of twins (11) lucky stepmom of 16/19 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
Currently NED!

Join me on a lookback of my journey via my Strive for Five on Substack here:
https://ginajacobson.substack.com

All treatment details here:
https://www.weareallmadeofstars.net/col ... nt-journey

My favorite posts here:
https://weareallmadeofstars.net/favorite-posts

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:34 pm

Gina,
I think long term relationships are not easy even without cancer. I see it in my circle of friends. I can tell you many situations are more screw up than ours. One close friend’s husband has a full set of another family in another state. Another has 3 young children and he is openly cheating on her. Another friend just left her husband #3 for a much younger man who doesn’t even have a stable job. Her adult kids stopped speaking to her. I think ultimately I will do what’s best for my children. But I appreciate everybody’s input.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

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ginabeewell
Posts: 565
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby ginabeewell » Mon Oct 04, 2021 9:59 pm

I can’t even tell you how many messed up marriages I’ve seen! When our situation became public, we had tons of people in similar situations reach out for advice. (This was all before cancer.)

Just trying to make sure you go in with eyes wide open. I did not, and even though I am now happily remarried, I still regret how I got here and that I wasn’t brave enough to realize I wasn’t happy and take open action until my hand was forced.

Good luck with whatever you decide!
49 YO mom of twins (11) lucky stepmom of 16/19 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
Currently NED!

Join me on a lookback of my journey via my Strive for Five on Substack here:
https://ginajacobson.substack.com

All treatment details here:
https://www.weareallmadeofstars.net/col ... nt-journey

My favorite posts here:
https://weareallmadeofstars.net/favorite-posts

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Tue Oct 05, 2021 9:11 am

Thank you Gina! You are an inspiration on this forum. I think my husband has Asperger. He is extremely smart, successful but lacks / is not capable of compassion. I am not the only one thinking this. People close to him believe the same. But I know he truly loves me and our children.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

utahgal7
Posts: 200
Joined: Fri Sep 11, 2020 12:04 pm

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby utahgal7 » Tue Oct 05, 2021 11:04 am

I agree with Rob about openly communicating your feelings to your spouse. It is important for your husband to understand how you feel. With regard to wondering about "what's out there", I think a lot of married people have these thoughts but are unwilling to admit it. I think all marriages go through rough patches and some couples wonder "if the grass is greener on the other side."

Again, I think having an open honest conversation with your husband is crucial. Beware that infidelity erodes trust. I know this firsthand my self. I was in my early thirties and I met someone who took an interest in me. Things were not great in my marriage at the time. My husband found out about the other person. He eventually forgave me, but it took a long time.

I feel as if your children would want you to be happy. If that means a trial separation from their father to figure out what makes you happy, then so be it. If you truly are miserable with your husband, staying because it's best for your grown children is misguided. You could become resentful.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness with whatever you decide.

Paige
02/20 Rectal Cancer dx - 4 cm mass; located 9 cm from AV
03/20 CEA 2.7; 0.9; 1.4; 0.9; 0.9; 1.2; 1.0; 0.8; 1.1; 1.0; 1.1; 1.7; 1.8; 1.8
1.9; 2.4; 2.3; 2.8; 2.2, 2.8, 3.2; 3.0; 1.6; 2.0; 1.2
04/20 ST Radiation; 04/20 LAR surgery w/ileostomy; ypT3N1bM0; MSS, KRAS G12A
05/20 CAPEOX; 08/20 Ileostomy reversal
12/20 CT scan; lung nodules (watch and wait);
11/22 lung nodule biopsy positive for RC met;
1/23 VATS right lower lobe wedge resection
FOLFIRI 10 cycles

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Thu Oct 07, 2021 9:12 am

Thank you all. I will be thinking about all this. I know my husband loves me. He treats me like a queen most of the time. We started with student loans 26 years ago. And have built a lot of success together. Our children are doing well. I was even voted the best mom of our little suburb. I have been truly dedicated to my family. But with cancer… everything has changed.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023

saltygirl
Posts: 164
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: 40s and cancer

Postby saltygirl » Fri Apr 08, 2022 4:55 pm

Update: my husband I had a good conversation about all this. He explained that he knows he failed. But that he didn’t know how to act. He has been there for me in the recent 2 years. I still love him and wouldn’t want to lose what he have created together.
Stage 4, distant lymph nodes May 2020, braf/kras mutations
11 folfoxiri
Intense radiation 1 week on distant lymph nodes
Surgery, hysterectomy, colon resection, distant lymph nodes resection
Complete pathological response to chemo.
NED 2021
NED 2022
NED 2023


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