4 years

[Siti]

Hello everyone,

It has been about 4 years since my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and given 2 years to live. He recently did his CT scan and received NED status My husband do suffers from manageable side effects because he's still on maintenance chemo but 80% of the time we live a normal life

I just turned 40. As a woman, my "deadline" for having a child is pretty much up and no matter how hard I try, I struggle to see a future except being alone without a family. I feel incredibly guilty to discuss this but having to internalise my feelings has been extremely difficult...I can't discuss with my husband and my friends are "young" and busy with their families so they do not empathise. I have seen multiple psychologists but did not help.

I know it's unfair to discuss this because so many of you are going through an extremely difficult time but I would be so grateful to receive replies or DMs if you're able to share with me how you / your family cope since diagnosis.

To end on a brighter note, we are so thankful for my husband's continuous good health (I thank god every day) and ever so grateful for this support group -- you guys have been my source of light on my darkest days.

Siti

[beach sunrise]

NED, thats the best thing I've heard all morning!

[Claudine]

Siti, it is not "unfair" for you to discuss your feelings here, this is what the forum is for! believe me, I feel the same way at times. I feel extremely fortunate to have two healthy young adult children, and I do my best to live in the moment, but sometimes I can't help but grieve for the life we wanted as "empty nesters" and won't likely get to have. Feel free to DM me if you want!

[saltygirl]

Siti,
Your feelings are legit. Why can’t you discuss it with your husband? 40 is not an old age if you still really want a child. Don’t feel guilty. If you truly want that. Than do everything possible even with a donor sperm. It’s you life. You don’t have to sacrifice yourself for your husband. I hope your husband would be wonderful. But can’t tell you how many husbands act like ass… if this cancer situation is reversed.

[saltygirl]

Have 2 close friends over 40 who are currently trying for a baby. Another friend had her twin girls born at 41. Her 1st and only pregnancy.

[saltygirl]

I have 2 kids / 21 and 19. They are my treasures in life. I have done a lot at my 46 years. Lived on 3 different continents etc. I am not saying that you can’t be happy without kids. But decide for yours. Don’t let anybody hold you down. And for sure not your husband’s cancer. Sorry for 3 posts. Getting ready to go out with my friends tonight. Yes, on Wed. Heading to Mexico on Saturday with my son

[pantufla]

Hi Siti. I'm so glad you posted. I'm 58 now but I went through infertility around your age too. You are not alone. I have been posting about how my husband is symptomatic but won't go to the Dr. It's nice to meet you.

[nmorgen]

Congratulations on your husband being ned.

I’m not sure about having a child at that age. It can be hard and it is a lot more dangerous for the child. You could try looking for an egg donor. You could also try fostering or adoption. You don’t have to give birth to a child to be their parent. Whatever you choose I wish you good luck.

[I_will_fight]

Congratulations on your husband NED status.

For what's worth, I know several women who have given birth to healthy children well past 40 (it was not always easy, but they did it). This is becoming relatively common in my country (Spain).

So, I don´t think 40 is terribly late to attempt to have children, but I imagine that with your husband cancer there are many other considerations at play.

Some patients freeze their ova/sperm before treatment, not sure if you had an opportunity to do this?

Of course a sperm bank is a possibility, have you discussed this with your husband? I dont think cancer should deprive you of your dreams (but I do realize this may be difficult for both you and your husband)

Good luck, whatever you decide

[Siti]

I am so incredibly moved by everyone's support and kind words. I read each of your replies several times and took the time to reflect over the weekend.

I feel like I don't deserve to talk about my struggles because I have so much to be grateful for...but I am slowly disappearing and I recognise my body is telling me that it has to stop because I am experiencing a host of negative physical and psychological symptoms/reactions that are really impacting my well-being.

I spoke to my gynaecologist last year, he says it's not too late to try for a child via IVF with my husband's frozen sperm. I asked him if he thought that my decision was selfish that I consciously choose to have a child knowing that he/she may not grow up with a father but he said he thinks it is not. However, he says I need to be mentally prepared that it will be an extremely challenging journey ahead with a high chance of failure, partly due to my age. I don't know if I am strong enough to do it (not my in current state of mind), also what if during my pregnancy or childbirth my husband has a recurrence? Am I capable of juggling between his medical care and taking care of a baby at the same time?

Saltygirl -- I am happy you're going to Mexico with your son! Your status is similar to my husband's, are you on maintenance chemo? To answer your question, the reason I can't talk to my husband is because one of my worries is his death, how am I to talk about his passing when he's trying his best to be optimistic? Btw, I too have lived across 3 continent and managed to navigate through life in different languages... but I have no idea why I feel so weak and defeated now!!

Claudine -- I have been following you/husband's journey for quite some time. You've been truly remarkable and a great member of this forum. Thank you for that

Pantufla -- I read about your husband's situation. I know exactly how you feel! It's incredibly frustrating but I always tell myself that we can't control their lives. I told my husband that I am committed to provide him with the comfort and tools needed to stay healthy, but if he decides not to adopt it, there's absolutely nothing more I can do!

beach sunrise, nmorgen & I will fight, thank you for taking the time to reply

[aquarian_asian]

Hi Siti - each one of our situation is different and difficult too. But don't loose your hope on anything. You decide and do what is best for you and your family. Our best wishes and prayers for you. Cheer up! .

[DarknessEmbraced]

Wonderful that your husband is NED! Always feel free to share your feelings here. *hugs*

[saltygirl]

Siti,
No chemo or any other treatments since March 2021.