So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

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prayingforccr
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:44 pm

So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby prayingforccr » Sun May 01, 2022 4:46 pm

My first in three years.

I look perfectly healthy.

When do I tell this woman what I have been through, what I’m going through, and what I might be facing?

This sucks.
11/19: colonoscopy
12/19: diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer 6+cm tumor
1-3/20: 20 sessions of radiation, mon-fri capecetibine+clinical trial drug m3814
7/20: 8 treatmentsFOLFOX
11/20: Primary tumor had complete response. Possible tumor deposits on latest mri. Biopsy negative for cancer.
5/21: Multiple lung nodules (3-6mm) on ct scan
10/21: md anderson gives me 1 year without treatment/3 years with folfiri/avastin (refused)
3/22 No growth in nodules 6 months…..most showing cavitation.

MadMed
Posts: 124
Joined: Sun May 02, 2021 5:52 pm
Location: Massachusetts

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby MadMed » Sun May 01, 2022 7:16 pm

No it doesn’t, happy for you! Cancer isn’t who you are, i can’t tell you to tell or not. For now, just enjoy meeting someone new!
52M DX: RC lower rectum, guessing now 2cm from AV 4/27/2021
T3N0M0 adenocarcinoma with signet ring cell features
Tumor size 30mm
Tumor grade: G3
Baseline CEA 1.0
MSI status: MSS pMMR
Started Folfox 5/12/2021
Switched to FOLFIRINOX from session 2. 8 rounds total.
CT+MRI tumor contained shrunk 80%, no spread to other organs.
CRT started xeloda + 28 days Radiation 9/27-11/04
NED as of 4/06 CT/MRI/sigmoidoscopy
On W&W 04/06/2022

saltygirl
Posts: 59
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby saltygirl » Sun May 01, 2022 7:43 pm

Don’t. Just enjoy the ride. I just got back today from a hiking trip. People on the trip asked me if I was a model. You don’t need to explain anything. Just love your life today. Have fun.

prayingforccr
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:44 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby prayingforccr » Sun May 01, 2022 8:16 pm

saltygirl wrote:Don’t. Just enjoy the ride. I just got back today from a hiking trip. People on the trip asked me if I was a model. You don’t need to explain anything. Just love your life today. Have fun.


Interesting.
11/19: colonoscopy
12/19: diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer 6+cm tumor
1-3/20: 20 sessions of radiation, mon-fri capecetibine+clinical trial drug m3814
7/20: 8 treatmentsFOLFOX
11/20: Primary tumor had complete response. Possible tumor deposits on latest mri. Biopsy negative for cancer.
5/21: Multiple lung nodules (3-6mm) on ct scan
10/21: md anderson gives me 1 year without treatment/3 years with folfiri/avastin (refused)
3/22 No growth in nodules 6 months…..most showing cavitation.

Rock_Robster
Posts: 678
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:27 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby Rock_Robster » Mon May 02, 2022 4:01 am

Congrats!

I’m married, but this would be my strategy (which I’d probably throw out the window when the time comes, but interesting to consider).

Date 1 - no mention of the C word. Just have fun. See if you like each other.

Date 2 - I’d probably tell her that I had been diagnosed with cancer. Doing treatment, or not; whatever the situation is right now. Don’t dwell on it, but I’d struggle to talk openly about my life and who I am without at least bringing it up.

Date 3 - if things look like they’re going somewhere a bit more serious, cards on the table. Stage, prognosis, etc. I think that’s fairer on both people; if she bows out at that point then fair enough. Otherwise, she’s along for the ride.

Of course this is ENTIRELY individual and up to you; I don’t think there’s a “wrong” approach.

Enjoy the date!
Rob
40M Australia
2018 Dx RC, 12cm high
Mod diff, EMVI, LVI. 4 liver mets
pT3N1aM1a Stage IVa. MSS NRAS G13R
CEA: Nov-18= 14; then ~2. Nov-21: 5.4
11/18 FOLFOX x6
3/19 Liver resection
5/19 25x pelvic IMRT radiation
7/19 ULAR & ileo, 1/27 LN
8/19 Liver lesion
8/19 FOLFOX, FOLFOXIRI, FOLFIRI x7
12/19 Liver resection
NED
2/20 Ileo reversed
11/21 Liver met & celiac node; 2-3 tiny lung things, indeterminate
12/21 PVE
3/22 Nodal spread & 3 liver lesions. Lymphadenectomy
4/22 Liver SBRT x 5

Claudine
Posts: 682
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 2:41 pm
Location: Montana

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby Claudine » Mon May 02, 2022 10:01 am

That's terrific :D :D :D
I agree with what's been said above; no need to mention it right away, but if things look promising, don't wait too long...
Meanwhile, I hope you had fun!
Wife of Dx 04/18 (51 yo). MSS, KRAS G12A, no primary
Lytic met L4 vertebrae, EBRT 04/18, SBRT 02/19
Resect small intestine 05/18 (no cancer - Crohn's)
Failed adjuvant Xelox ; Folfiri + Avastin 03/19 to 01/20
6.7 cm left adrenal mass 03/19, successful resection 02/20
Multiple small lung nodules (03/19) now gone/calcified
L3-L4-L5 fusion surgery and partial corpectomy 05/20
CEA since 03/19: high 81.1, low 3.2, now 66
MRI 2/11/22: rectal adenocarcinoma pT3 pN0 stage 2A
LAR surgery April 11

Rikimaroo
Posts: 395
Joined: Tue Dec 20, 2016 8:48 pm
Location: Florida

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby Rikimaroo » Mon May 02, 2022 10:23 am

Hey bud,

Like Rock - I'm married to the most wonderful woman. I like his steps, maybe more steps, like after 2-3 dates, then discuss? I wouldn't rush into it, just enjoy life, if you are perfectly healthy, can get a boner, just enjoy your life my friend. If you can kindle a relationship from this person, that would be wonderful, court the girl first for a few, then if things start to get more serious, then introduce your health with her to make sure she can continue with you and be a supporter through your hard times, and also enjoy with you on your good times. Cancer is tough on relationship, so it is imperative that the one you become close to can embrace this and drive through the journey with you, downhills and uphills brother :)

Best,
Rikimaroo
RC T3N1M0 12/16
MSS - NRAS Mutation
Chemo Rad, CCR - W&W 5/2017
Recurrence 11/2017
CT Scan 11/2017 Liver Met 5.5cm Stable, Stage IV
LAR/Liver Resect 4/2018
Reversal 10/18
CEA highest 500, lowest .8 throughout process, waiting for latest
Recurrence left vesical/pelvic sidewall - 10/7/2019 resect perm bag,
CEA rise Feb/May 3.7, 8.8, 30, Recurrence in Pelvic
CEA 40 right now, but was 57, so folfiri to beat it back down.
Lots of chemo for the past 4 years.

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kirac
Posts: 258
Joined: Sun Jun 09, 2013 10:34 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby kirac » Mon May 02, 2022 2:25 pm

My $.02, no need to mention initially. Not sure of your history (health history) so I guess the more it will impact you going forward, mention earlier. But obviously, if she cannot handle, she is not going to be a good fit. Everyone has something so do not worry about it.

Enjoy your date please. Life is too short otherwise.
Husband (Age 36) 1/13 Dx Stage 3B rectal cancer
3/13 Chemoradiation
6/13 Tumor removed, Temp ileo, 1/15 nodes
7/13 Chemo = Oxaliplatin, Xeloda
1/14 Reversal
7/14 NED, CEA 1.8
12/14 CLEAR CT scan! NED

http://kickingasscancer.com/

roadrunner
Posts: 240
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby roadrunner » Mon May 02, 2022 3:42 pm

First date? Have fun!

Take stock after that. If it looks like there’s potential for more, depends on what that means. If it’s potentially long-term “more,” you have to try to assess how the other person would likely take it, how important it would be to them, and what if anything you might need them to understand/do about it. (I know I’m not the best person to advise if it comes to that — I have a very bleak assessment of others’ ability to fathom or deal with cancer, so I try to handle it on my own as much as I can. Just freaks everybody out way too much, which is tiring and distracting from my goal of enjoying my life.)

I think the timing and nature of any disclosures turn on that. I think it’s very person- and situation-specific. But if it goes from fun to looking like something more, gotta consider getting it out there IMO, recognizing that it may well have a significant negative impact.
7/19: Rectal cancer: Staged as IIIA, T2N1M0
approx 4.25 cm, low/mid rectum, mod. well diff.
8/22 -10/14 4 rounds FOLFOX neoadjuvant, 3 w/Oxiplatin (side effects/reduced size est. 70-75%)
neoadjuvant chemorad 11/19
4 rounds of FOLFOX July-August 2020
ncCR found 10/20; biopsies negative
TAE 11/20, tumor cells removed, lung nodules orig id’d 6/20 stable Nov 2020
Chest CT 3/30/21 small growth in 2 nodules (3 and 5mm)
VATS 12/8/21 sub-pleural met 7mm.
SBRT for remaining nodule 1/22
CT 3/22: Clear

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CRguy
Posts: 10378
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby CRguy » Fri May 06, 2022 9:03 pm

So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

... AND ... ?????
don't leave us hangin' here

Best wishes
CRguy
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
15 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

prayingforccr
Posts: 319
Joined: Sun Jun 28, 2020 4:44 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby prayingforccr » Sat May 07, 2022 3:36 am

CRguy wrote:
So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

... AND ... ?????
don't leave us hangin' here

Best wishes
CRguy


Picked her up in a convertible and drove down to South Beach for tacos and a beach day.

Then oysters in ft lauderdale.

It went ok………I didn’t say anything, but feel I am/was a lot more reserved than I would have been pre diagnosis.

I don’t think I can see anyone until I get to stable/remission, but I am very lonely.

Most of the time I thought about someone else, and in the back of my mind was thinking “you don’t want to like me too much”.
11/19: colonoscopy
12/19: diagnosed with stage 3 rectal cancer 6+cm tumor
1-3/20: 20 sessions of radiation, mon-fri capecetibine+clinical trial drug m3814
7/20: 8 treatmentsFOLFOX
11/20: Primary tumor had complete response. Possible tumor deposits on latest mri. Biopsy negative for cancer.
5/21: Multiple lung nodules (3-6mm) on ct scan
10/21: md anderson gives me 1 year without treatment/3 years with folfiri/avastin (refused)
3/22 No growth in nodules 6 months…..most showing cavitation.

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ginabeewell
Posts: 532
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby ginabeewell » Sat May 07, 2022 1:33 pm

Who knows what someone else wants or needs in a relationship?

I hope you are able to leave room for the possibility that dating will allow you to come into someone’s life and make it better - without limiting yourself by worrying about the possibility of an early end.

Chances are good when dating that most of your experiences with people will come to an end far more gently than you’re worrying about! (Say, should you realize you aren’t compatible.)

There is a great NYT article about a woman who started dating with breast cancer. Will try to find it for you.
45 YO mom of twins (9) and lucky stepmom of 14/17 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
10/18 FOLFOX + Vectibix
12/18 typhlitis (7 days in hospital) but largest met down to 5 cm.
12/18 CEA 4.6
1/18 Resume chemo (#6-8)
3/19 HAI pump placement / colon resection
4/19 Resume chemo (#9-19) FOLFOX (no OX) + Vectibix
5/19 CEA 1.3
7/19 liver resection
10/19 liver resection
1/20 NED! CEA 0.6
3/20 two new liver mets; FOLFIRI (5) and then add Vectibix (5)
8/20 CEA 0.7
Resection next?

User avatar
ginabeewell
Posts: 532
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby ginabeewell » Sat May 07, 2022 1:36 pm

Here it is - and she knew she was terminal:

https://www.nytimes.com/2019/08/24/opin ... g.amp.html
45 YO mom of twins (9) and lucky stepmom of 14/17 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
10/18 FOLFOX + Vectibix
12/18 typhlitis (7 days in hospital) but largest met down to 5 cm.
12/18 CEA 4.6
1/18 Resume chemo (#6-8)
3/19 HAI pump placement / colon resection
4/19 Resume chemo (#9-19) FOLFOX (no OX) + Vectibix
5/19 CEA 1.3
7/19 liver resection
10/19 liver resection
1/20 NED! CEA 0.6
3/20 two new liver mets; FOLFIRI (5) and then add Vectibix (5)
8/20 CEA 0.7
Resection next?

roadrunner
Posts: 240
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby roadrunner » Sat May 07, 2022 2:08 pm

Wonderful piece. What did Admiral Farragut say?
7/19: Rectal cancer: Staged as IIIA, T2N1M0
approx 4.25 cm, low/mid rectum, mod. well diff.
8/22 -10/14 4 rounds FOLFOX neoadjuvant, 3 w/Oxiplatin (side effects/reduced size est. 70-75%)
neoadjuvant chemorad 11/19
4 rounds of FOLFOX July-August 2020
ncCR found 10/20; biopsies negative
TAE 11/20, tumor cells removed, lung nodules orig id’d 6/20 stable Nov 2020
Chest CT 3/30/21 small growth in 2 nodules (3 and 5mm)
VATS 12/8/21 sub-pleural met 7mm.
SBRT for remaining nodule 1/22
CT 3/22: Clear

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Kick'nAssCancer'sAss
Posts: 239
Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 4:38 pm

Re: So……….I Have A First Date Tomorrow

Postby Kick'nAssCancer'sAss » Sat May 07, 2022 5:03 pm

Just be honest with yourself
If the shoe was on he other foot when would you want the woman to let you know.
You will have your answer.

Good luck

Mike
53M Dx RC Halloween 2013
easily the scariest day of my life
My Journey Journal
over 10,000 reads globally
https://kickingasscancersass.blogspot.com/


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