40s and cancer

[saltygirl]

Hi,
I wonder if anybody has had the same feeling. I love my husband. But he mentally left me when I was dealing with the worst of my life. Now I have feeling to explore sex with other people. I am in my 40s. And many finds me very attractive. I feel like life is too short. Kids are college age. Am I so wrong?

[Rock_Robster]

Cancer tests relationships hard, and unfortunately many don’t make it through. Not everyone has what it takes to be a caregiver, whereas patients don’t get a choice in the matter.

Your feelings are totally understandable and natural. My only suggestion would be to consider talking this through a bit more with someone before you do anything too irreversible - if you don’t feel like you can discuss this with your husband now, then perhaps a counsellor/therapist first?

Best of luck,
Rob

[saltygirl]

Thank you for not judging me. I got married really young. Now with everything that happened. I feel like I have missed out.

[beach sunrise]

It is perfectly normal to "go back" and wish you had done things or things differently. I get it.
But, reality is you have to go forward using the past as something learned to make things better now. Life happens (the good, the bad and the tragic).

[ginabeewell]

My first husband shut me out emotionally during several years of infertility treatment. I thought our relationship would improve once we had kids, because he was so unhappy without them.

It didn’t work. And during that period, I fell in love with my business partner / best friend.

I’ll spare you the details, but I will say that what ensued was a major mess that hurt many, many people. This was over 10 years ago, and we are still feeling the after effects.

I wasn’t able to save my marriage, but my top regret is not realizing my marriage was in trouble and make efforts to save it or leave it before getting involved with someone else. I thought I could “outsource intimacy” without paying a price. I was so, so wrong.

Please do not go down this path without discussing with a personal therapist and perhaps engaging a couples therapist as well. There is a good book called “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay” that might give you the diagnostics you need to consider your marriage and if you would be happier outside of it.

Also I get the “what else is out there” question. I was a virgin when I married, and my total count now is 2. So I appreciate your asking but would vehemently recommend against having walked this path myself!!

[I_will_fight]

Life with cancer is challenging for the patient and the partner.

Is extra-marital sex a valid answer? I don´t know. Perhaps you need to ask yourself what your feelings are and why are you even considering going down that way.

Have you fallen out of love, have you discovered your partner is not the right person for you? Is this a kind of revenge or just the desire of enjoying life now that you have experienced fear of death?

Wish you happiness and a long life.

[saltygirl]

Thank you all for your input. I don’t think I can forgive my husband that he wasn’t there for me. Not sure if I can ever get over it. We have been together for 26 years. But thinking back he wasn’t there for me even in other situations. But he is a great provider. He has worked so hard for us. I know he loves me and our children.

[ginabeewell]

Thank you all for your input. I don’t think I can forgive my husband that he wasn’t there for me. Not sure if I can ever get over it. We have been together for 26 years. But thinking back he wasn’t there for me even in other situations. But he is a great provider. He has worked so hard for us. I know he loves me and our children.

It sounds pretty awful for a man who you say loves you and has been a good provider to have to remain in a marriage with a wife who cannot forgive him - and even less good to add in the question of infidelity. So you may want to think about what, if anything, you owe him and your children in this situation?

It sounds like his behavior really hurt you, and I have empathy for you to be sure. But I doubt this will make you feel much better.
: /

[saltygirl]

Gina,
I think long term relationships are not easy even without cancer. I see it in my circle of friends. I can tell you many situations are more screw up than ours. One close friend’s husband has a full set of another family in another state. Another has 3 young children and he is openly cheating on her. Another friend just left her husband #3 for a much younger man who doesn’t even have a stable job. Her adult kids stopped speaking to her. I think ultimately I will do what’s best for my children. But I appreciate everybody’s input.

[ginabeewell]

I can’t even tell you how many messed up marriages I’ve seen! When our situation became public, we had tons of people in similar situations reach out for advice. (This was all before cancer.)

Just trying to make sure you go in with eyes wide open. I did not, and even though I am now happily remarried, I still regret how I got here and that I wasn’t brave enough to realize I wasn’t happy and take open action until my hand was forced.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[saltygirl]

Thank you Gina! You are an inspiration on this forum. I think my husband has Asperger. He is extremely smart, successful but lacks / is not capable of compassion. I am not the only one thinking this. People close to him believe the same. But I know he truly loves me and our children.

[utahgal7]

I agree with Rob about openly communicating your feelings to your spouse. It is important for your husband to understand how you feel. With regard to wondering about "what's out there", I think a lot of married people have these thoughts but are unwilling to admit it. I think all marriages go through rough patches and some couples wonder "if the grass is greener on the other side."

Again, I think having an open honest conversation with your husband is crucial. Beware that infidelity erodes trust. I know this firsthand my self. I was in my early thirties and I met someone who took an interest in me. Things were not great in my marriage at the time. My husband found out about the other person. He eventually forgave me, but it took a long time.

I feel as if your children would want you to be happy. If that means a trial separation from their father to figure out what makes you happy, then so be it. If you truly are miserable with your husband, staying because it's best for your grown children is misguided. You could become resentful.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find happiness with whatever you decide.

Paige

[saltygirl]

Thank you all. I will be thinking about all this. I know my husband loves me. He treats me like a queen most of the time. We started with student loans 26 years ago. And have built a lot of success together. Our children are doing well. I was even voted the best mom of our little suburb. I have been truly dedicated to my family. But with cancer… everything has changed.

[saltygirl]

Update: my husband I had a good conversation about all this. He explained that he knows he failed. But that he didn’t know how to act. He has been there for me in the recent 2 years. I still love him and wouldn’t want to lose what he have created together.