Grieving my past life and no one understands

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beach sunrise
Posts: 1034
Joined: Thu Mar 05, 2020 7:14 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby beach sunrise » Sun Jul 25, 2021 1:54 pm

Growing up with terminally ill sisters taught me alot about living with a disease and how others see you. So when I got the cancer dx it was all about strong body strong mind to fight it with all I could dig up on it. Like my sisters, I didn't tell anyone except 2 close friends and a few immediate family members. Really just to keep the stress level down for me so I could concentrate fully on fighting this. I could just picture in my head how some people would get all weird and awkward around me, avoidance of some, overwhelmed/ smothered by others, ect. No Thank you to any of that. This is just how I deal with it.
One of my 2 close friends that know said to me once "I am planning a girls pool day. Can you swim?" WHAT, LOL...YES and I better be invited. So even your closest friends will never fully understand what you go through personally fighting cancer. It's a learning curve for them too.
8/19 RC CEA 82.6 T3N0M0
5FU/rad 6 wk
IVC 75g 1 1/2 wks before surgery. Continue 2x a week
Surg 1/20 -margins T4bN1a IIIC G2 MSI- 1/20 LN+ LVI+ PNI-
pre cea 24 post 5.9
FOLFOX
7 rds 6-10 CEA 11.4 No more
CEA
7/20 11.1 8.8
8/20 7.8
9/20 8.8, 9, 8.6
10/20 8.1
11/20 8s
12/20 8s-9s
ADAPT++++ chrono
CEA
10/23/22 26.x
12/23/22 22.x
2023
1/5 17.1
1/20 15.9
3/30 14.9
6/12 13.3
8/1 2.1
Nodule RML SUV 1.3 5mm
Rolles 3 of 4 lung nodules cancer
KRAS
Chem-sens test failed Not enough ca cells to test

Missy
Posts: 4
Joined: Mon Apr 12, 2021 9:00 pm
Facebook Username: Missy mckinnon

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby Missy » Sun Jul 25, 2021 10:20 pm

I totally feel you and in the same boat. I am 35 years old now and was diagnosed with stage IV colorectal cancer with Mets on the liver. I had no signs or symptoms nothing. I got pancreatitis the day before I was supposed to go back to work from my maternity leave( my son is now 2 and a half) and when they did the ultrasound on my pancreas they just happened to go over the liver and see spots. I thought my life was over right then and there. I did the surgery on my colon and it got rid of that tumour and removed part of my liver but within a month I had multiple new lesions on my liver so I went back to chemo. I know that my life expectancy isn't great but I tell myself that I have to squeeze a whole life time of things in now while I can. Do all the things with no shame. Live your life to the fullest you possibly can. That being said if you feel like having a melt down and cry or get mad do it. You deserve it just as much as putting on a smile and a brave face. You have cancer, cancer doesn't have you.


TiredandTroubled wrote:Sorry to be a downer, but I’m newly diagnosed (still don’t know my stage) and it just hit me that my life as I knew it is gone.
The person I was before cancer is gone.

I feel like I’ll never know what it’s like to be carefree again, I can’t stand to watch others live their lives so happily and freely while I’m sentenced to cancer. It’s not fair. I feel like life’s happy moments have been robbed from me. I no longer feel like I can be part of the ‘world of the living’ because I have cancer and now instead of having moments to look forward to (I’m only 29, another cruel joke) everything is just hoping not to die.

I don’t really have a point to this post, other than maybe some advice to make this pill easier to swallow. I feel like at least people here will understand.
RAS stage IV colorectal cancer with metastasis on liver and bone
Started FOLFORI Jan 2021
Sigmoid tumour removed, bowel resection, liver Mets Removed,lymphnodes removed Jun 2021
Liver Mets returned July 2021
Resumed FOLFIRI Aug 2021 to Oct 2021. (29 rounds FOLFIRI)
5 rounds radiation on femoral neck and L5 on spine Nov 2021
Folfox started Nov 2021

35 year old mother to a 3 year old boy above everything else

JMRWife
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:41 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby JMRWife » Sun Aug 01, 2021 10:25 am

Cancer doesn't define you unless you let it.

You are still the person you were.

No one is entitled to a future.

Joy in the moment. Seek it.
Age 58.
4/27/2021 - Dx obstructing "apple core" sigmoid tumor at 30cm. MMR proficient. 4/28: Diverting colostomy.
Neoadjuvant Folfox 5/18; CEA 107.
9/8: 9 rounds Folfox completed. CEA 2.1.
Pathology: COLON, SIGMOID: -- INVASIVE ADENOCARCINOMA, MOD DIFFERENTIATED Clinical stage IIA.

9/28/21 CAT scan: Tumor was 6.4 x 3.8 cm, now 2.6 x 4.5 cm.

10/4/21: Sigmoid colectomy. 36 lymph nodes removed, 0 cancerous. Stage T2N0M0.

roadrunner
Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby roadrunner » Sun Aug 01, 2021 12:08 pm

JMRWife: I agree with this sentiment. I think it’s deeply true but can be damnably elusive when one needs it most. I mean, I feel this truth as real and uplifting now, but I’m currently in a good place. I find it slips away from me a bit when I’m going through tough spots on the cancer journey. And as many of us know (many more than me, I know I’ve been lucky so far) there are too many of those. So I’d add the following:

And it’s ok to lose sight of this, to forget it, to be down sometimes. Just keep fighting. Even if that means, if it comes to it, just fighting to find peace. That is triumph.

(Not trying to be poetic (not a strength), just trying to express myself about the way I see this.)
7/19: RC: Staged IIIA, T2N1M0
approx 4.25 cm, low/mid rectum, mod. well diff.; lung micronodule
8/19-10/19 4 rds.FOLFOX neoadjuvant, 3 w/Oxiplatin (reduced 70-75%)
neoadjuvant chemorad 11/19
4 rounds FOLFOX July-August 2020
ncCR 10/20; biopsies neg
TAE 11/20, tumor cells removed
Chest CT 3/30/21 growth in 2 nodules (3 and 5mm)
VATS 12/8/21 sub-pleural met 7mm.
SBRT nodule 1/22
6/20/22 TAE rectal polyp benign)
NED from 3/22 - 3/23
4 cycles FOLFIRI
LUL VATS lobectomy for radio resistant met 7/7/23

JMRWife
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:41 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby JMRWife » Sun Aug 01, 2021 12:19 pm

Absolutely ok to lose sight of it....even daily! But joy--a product of living in the moment--is a horizon of sorts. Try always to keep sight of it and look for it to find your bearings after the crashing waves have settled.
Age 58.
4/27/2021 - Dx obstructing "apple core" sigmoid tumor at 30cm. MMR proficient. 4/28: Diverting colostomy.
Neoadjuvant Folfox 5/18; CEA 107.
9/8: 9 rounds Folfox completed. CEA 2.1.
Pathology: COLON, SIGMOID: -- INVASIVE ADENOCARCINOMA, MOD DIFFERENTIATED Clinical stage IIA.

9/28/21 CAT scan: Tumor was 6.4 x 3.8 cm, now 2.6 x 4.5 cm.

10/4/21: Sigmoid colectomy. 36 lymph nodes removed, 0 cancerous. Stage T2N0M0.

jumpman50512
Posts: 43
Joined: Thu Jan 10, 2019 10:36 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby jumpman50512 » Sun Aug 01, 2021 4:34 pm

Hey there

you were the exact same age when I was diagnosed with stage 4 colorectal cancer. Please do not take what I am about to say as rude I am a very straightforward person and always asked the doctors to tell me the honest truth. I prefer it that way.
Well, 1st off life isn't fair sorry to tell you this but it isn't. Sometimes that's just how life goes. And well I think you are getting a little ahead of yourself first. You still don't know what stage of cancer you are at. And you still don't know how your body will react to chemo. You have a long and difficult journey ahead of you, but your attitude will mean everything. Always try to stay positive no matter what. I know it is easy to say but all of us have walked those shoes and your attitude will mean everything always try to stay positive even when the odds are against you. As far as that life has changed for you yes it has you will have to take care of yourself some more once you get out of this. Sorry to be blunt but best of luck stay positive and be happy life is good even when there are hard times.
Stage IV Survivor Currently (Diagnosed @ 29) currently 36
1 Met to the Liver
Colo-Rectal cancer surgery
12 rounds of chemo + Radiation + Oral Chemo
12/1/21 Colonoscopy Clean
2/1/21 CT scan Clean
2/1/21 CEA at 5.8
4/1/21 CEA currently at 8.8
5/27/21 CEA currently at 13
Signatera Positive :cry:
Clean CT Scan 4/15/21
It's back :cry: 6/24/21
7/10/21 - 4/10/21 = 10 rounds of folfiry
On Xeloda for a while :(
Chemo pills + chemo + Vectibix currently

JMRWife
Posts: 99
Joined: Mon Oct 05, 2015 9:41 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby JMRWife » Sun Aug 01, 2021 6:17 pm

Love and light to you jumpman and to us all.
Age 58.
4/27/2021 - Dx obstructing "apple core" sigmoid tumor at 30cm. MMR proficient. 4/28: Diverting colostomy.
Neoadjuvant Folfox 5/18; CEA 107.
9/8: 9 rounds Folfox completed. CEA 2.1.
Pathology: COLON, SIGMOID: -- INVASIVE ADENOCARCINOMA, MOD DIFFERENTIATED Clinical stage IIA.

9/28/21 CAT scan: Tumor was 6.4 x 3.8 cm, now 2.6 x 4.5 cm.

10/4/21: Sigmoid colectomy. 36 lymph nodes removed, 0 cancerous. Stage T2N0M0.

zephyr
Posts: 363
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:31 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby zephyr » Sun Aug 01, 2021 6:52 pm

It's so easy to go down the rabbit hole, and it doesn't take much to start the process: a melody, a voice, a scent. I don't know if this will help any .. I often have to remind myself that if I spend too much time thinking about what could be or what was, I'll miss what I have right now. It may sound trite but the phrase "be here now" speaks volumes to me. A friend sometimes reminds me (in a very compassionate way, and at my request) that I "get" to have treatment options, I "get" to have choices, I "get" to have time.
Nov-2009 Early stage CRC, routine colonoscopy
2010-2014 F/U colonoscopies, all clear
Jun-2016 CRC during F/U colonoscopy, surgery, Stage 4, KRAS, MSS
Aug-2016-May-2018 Folfox, 5FU, Folfiri & Avastin
Aug/Sep-2018 YAG laser surgeries (Germany), 11 nodules removed
Nov-2018 clean CT scan
Mar-2019 New lung nodules
Apr-2019 Dec-2020 Xeloda/Avastin, SBRT, cont. Xeloda/Avastin
Mar-2021 Forfiri/Avastin
Mar-2022 Ablation & Thoracotomy
Feb-2023 Folfiri & Avastin
Nov-2023 Xeloda & Avastin

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O Stoma Mia
Posts: 1709
Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:29 am
Location: On vacation. Off-line for now.

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby O Stoma Mia » Mon Aug 09, 2021 6:58 am

There are a couple of Stage III survivor posts that might be of interest to you. They discuss the problem of dealing with stress and otther emotional issues after receiving a cancer diagnosis.

.
If you don't mind, I have a question for you: Which phase have you now reached in the Kübler-Ross model of Stages of Grief ?

As a cancer patient, I think it's important for you to deal with your grief effectively and as soon as possible so that you can free up your mental and physical energies to focus on dealing with the upcoming demanding schedule of cancer treatment and recovery. You should be starting your chemo regimen very soon and will need to focus on that.


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