Grieving my past life and no one understands

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TiredandTroubled
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2021 7:11 am

Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby TiredandTroubled » Tue Jul 20, 2021 2:23 pm

Sorry to be a downer, but I’m newly diagnosed (still don’t know my stage) and it just hit me that my life as I knew it is gone.
The person I was before cancer is gone.

I feel like I’ll never know what it’s like to be carefree again, I can’t stand to watch others live their lives so happily and freely while I’m sentenced to cancer. It’s not fair. I feel like life’s happy moments have been robbed from me. I no longer feel like I can be part of the ‘world of the living’ because I have cancer and now instead of having moments to look forward to (I’m only 29, another cruel joke) everything is just hoping not to die.

I don’t really have a point to this post, other than maybe some advice to make this pill easier to swallow. I feel like at least people here will understand.
29F DX 7/19
CC Sigmoid Colon
Size: 7CM
CEA before surgery: 16

aquarian_asian
Posts: 2
Joined: Wed Jul 07, 2021 7:07 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby aquarian_asian » Tue Jul 20, 2021 2:40 pm

Totally understood your state of mind. Please keep in mind that you are NOT alone here

From my personal experience for last 5 months, I was in same place as you were (I am 48 yrs old) - but I am much better now

You are young and healthy to handle this and for sure you are not in stage IV. So keep up the spirits - that is very very important to combat this disease

Speak to your dear and nears to support you and you can also go for counseling if you feel so. You will be feeling better after surgery and best wishes for you to get back to your track. I am counting too

Live the life as you like. Don't let this disease to eat that up

Cheers

roadrunner
Posts: 131
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby roadrunner » Tue Jul 20, 2021 3:31 pm

I totally understand this. I was much older than you (55) when diagnosed, but had recently run a decent half-marathon, had run 4 marathons before that, had (still have) a great, demanding career, was doing the occasional singer-songwriter gig, was writing my first novel, and had (still have) two awesome teenagers and an all-around great life. Two years later, and an hour or so ago I just had my chemo port flushed. (Though I do still plan to run a few miles later in 85F and working on novel #2 later tonight.) Yep, that’s an interesting turn of events. While I can’t pretend to understand the challenge of being 29 and facing this, I know the total, jarring “reset” this causes to an active, healthy, confident person who is looking forward to an awesome life. And youth definitely makes this harder.

I don’t have a magic bullet for that. It’s a heavy burden. I think your reaction is totally normal. I also think you’ll eventually find a space where you can handle it, given time. As I posted on your other thread, you seem to have really good prospects (understanding that even so it’s a bad event and a new burden). I will venture this about my experience, and I don’t mean to trivialize this or ignore the fact that everyone’s journey/battle is different, but someone else recently said it on another thread (a person who’s had a tough stage IV journey): Having cancer has changed my perspective on life 100% for the better. I don’t sweat the small stuff, or even (most of) the big stuff, anymore. I am more forgiving of others. I see beauty in tiny little things that I ignored before. It’s true that there’s more risk of death, for some of us more than others—and yeah that would be a big bummer—but I am certain that if I make it through I will be a far better person and my life will have been much deeper and better than if I had never gotten the disease. (If I don’t, that still will be true, but, regrettably, for a shorter time : )

I’m not saying I would have chosen this path; I wouldn’t have. But life is by no means over or just about “not dying” the moment you get a cancer diagnosis. I hope I can keep using this experience to make things better, as a gift, not worse.

It may be too early for this kind of thing, or just not where you are mentally. I respect that. Feel free to dismiss this as the ravings of a mad person who’s had too much coffee. But as someone who was full-on about life when this happened—and who felt in the prime of life even though I was 55—I am still proud, happy, hopeful, and loving life. This sucks sometimes, sometimes a lot, and that’s ok, too. But if it makes sense to see it as a bridge to a better, more engaged life, maybe that will help. And it just might be true.
7/19: Rectal cancer: Initially staged as IIIA, T2N1M0
Initially approx 4.25 cm, low/mid rectum, mod. well diff. adenocarcinoma
8/22 -10/14 4 rounds FOLFOX neoadjuvant, 3 w/Oxiplatin (lots of side effects/reduced size est. 70-75%)
neoadjuvant chemorad 11/19
4 rounds of FOLFOX July-August 2020
ncCR found 10/20; multiple biopsies negative
TAE 11/20, small amount of tumor removed, lung nodules orig id’d 6/20 stable Nov 2020
Chest CT 3/30/21 small growth in 2 nodules (3 and 5mm)
Stable in 6/28 scan.

TiredandTroubled
Posts: 22
Joined: Sat Jul 10, 2021 7:11 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby TiredandTroubled » Tue Jul 20, 2021 5:05 pm

Thank you. Your kind words mean so much.
29F DX 7/19
CC Sigmoid Colon
Size: 7CM
CEA before surgery: 16

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muskokamike
Posts: 230
Joined: Tue Feb 25, 2014 4:38 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby muskokamike » Tue Jul 20, 2021 5:56 pm

Hey T&T I understand and most here will also.

In 2013 I was exactly in your shoes although I was a bit older, I was 53. ( Well a bit more than a bit)

I had no idea of what my future was going to be like or even if I had a future. Yes, you are in for a bumpy ride like all of us on here so buckle up, take a deep breath and take it one day at a time. Cancer is not a death sentence. So many of us on here are living proof.

Finding this forum will be one of the biggest assets in your fight.

I wrote a journey journal the link is in my signature If you have some time it will give you a pretty good idea of what I went through,

Chin-up

Mike
53M Dx rc10/31/13
WTF!
CT scan, BONE scan
MRI/T3N0M0 1 suspicious node
5 wks chemo/rad
LAR open TME 2/26/14
temp ileo
0/24 nodes pCR/pathological
Mop up Folfox (8) Mar/28-Jul/4
Aug/14 clear CT scan
8/27/14 reversal
Feb/15 clear scope
July/15 clear CT scan
Feb/16 clear CT scan
Feb/17 clear CT scan
Feb/18 clear scope
Feb/18 clear CT scan
Sep/19 clear CT scan DISCHARGED!
CEA levels 1.6 dx
1.6,1.4,1.7,2.4,2.9, 2.7 2.3 2.5 2.2 2.1 2.5 2.6 2.7
2.7 Sept 19
0-4 normal
https://kickingasscancersass.blogspot.com/

boxhill
Posts: 730
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:40 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby boxhill » Tue Jul 20, 2021 8:51 pm

Go to Colontown on Facebook. There you will find a neighborhood of people in your age bracket to talk to, as well as a source of really excellent information about all colorectal cancer types, stages, and issues.
F, 64 at DX CRC Stage IV
3/17/18 blockage, r hemi
11 of 25 LN,5 mesentery nodes
5mm liver met
pT3 pN2b pM1
BRAF wild, KRAS G12D
dMMR, MSI-H
5/18 FOLFOX
7/18 and 11/18 CT NED
12/18 MRI 5mm liver mass, 2 LNs in porta hepatis
12/31/18 Keytruda
6/19 Multiphasic CT LNs normal, Liver stable
6/28/19 Pause Key, predisone for joint pain
7/31/19 Restart Key
9/19 CT stable
Pain: all fails but Celebrex
12/23/19 CT stable
5/19 MRI stable/NED
Stop Key
All MRIs NED

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O Stoma Mia
Posts: 1617
Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:29 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby O Stoma Mia » Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:00 am

boxhill wrote:Go to Colontown on Facebook. There you will find a neighborhood of people in your age bracket to talk to, as well as a source of really excellent information about all colorectal cancer types, stages, and issues.


How to join Colontown
https://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=60698&p=480766#p480766

Another resource that might be of interest:

https://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=53373&p=422408#p422408

saltygirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby saltygirl » Wed Jul 21, 2021 7:50 am

So sorry. Yes, you have been given bad / unlucky cards. Especially at your age. You are just 9 years older than my daughter. Your feelings are completely normal. I felt this way as well. A year later I just got back from Europe with my son. You will be happy again. In terms of forums. When 1st diagnosed I was on every possible forum. Than I realized reading all these stories makes me feel even worse. I stopped looking and only look here once in a while. We all react to our situation differently. My approach is to try to live as normal life as possible day by day. Wishing you best luck!!! Sending love your way.

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horizon
Posts: 1623
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby horizon » Wed Jul 21, 2021 8:11 am

I wish I could properly express in words how much I relate to what you wrote. I had to deal with a lot of anger/resentment when I was diagnosed. My friends got to continue living their carefree lives while I was in hell. My dad smoked for decades and has a diet consisting of fried/processed foods and didn't have to deal with it. Meanwhile I'm in shape, eat healthy, and met zero of the risk factors and got it. Life just isn't fair. I had just become an uncle when my world was flipped upside down and I worried for years that I wouldn't even be remembered if something happened to me. I just wanted to be the "fun uncle" in that kid's life. I ended up getting to do that! Instead of thinking so far ahead just focus on getting through whatever obstacle is right in front of you, whether it's a test result, surgery, etc. You can't predict what will happen. What happened to me was ten years ago I'm hoping you'll be making a post like this ten years from now as well!
I'm just a dude who still can't believe he had a resection and went through chemo (currently 10 years NED). Is this real life?

henny-crc
Posts: 14
Joined: Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:09 pm

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby henny-crc » Wed Jul 21, 2021 11:21 am

I know just how it feels, being diagnosed in 23 myself. That feeling of life being suddenly ruined, the sudden fear of death, when you thought you didnt have to really worry about dying for like 30 more years.
It was not an easy road, but i am 1 year NED for now, and it feels like life is almost back to normal. Just hoping to enjoy it for as many years as it is destined for me.
Dx 06/20
23 yo
Stage 3A
T1N2a

NorseMan
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Jun 22, 2021 3:55 pm
Facebook Username: Norse Man

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby NorseMan » Wed Jul 21, 2021 3:14 pm

Random comment, and I was looking for a place to bring this up, but the living don’t get it. They don’t get living under an existential threat, having no plans for a bright future, not thinking you have all the time in the world. It’s hard to comprehend.
Male, 55 @ DX
11/5/20: Colonoscopy, find tumor
11/6/20 CT Scan, no spread seen
11/16/20 CEA 1.2
11/19/20 Left Side Colectomy (4-5" ? removed)
Stage 3B (TNM: pT3, pN1b, cM0), 3 of 19 lymph nodes invaded. Poorly differentiated, 3 tumor deposits, perineural tracking
12/01/20 CEA 1.3
12/01/20 Started CAPOX
03/16/21 Quit Capox at 5 of 8 rounds
05/10/21 CEA 1.6
07/26/21 CEA 1.6
07/26/21 CT Scan, no metastic disease seen, small hepatic hypodensity observed

worriedson714
Posts: 28
Joined: Mon May 03, 2021 4:27 pm
Facebook Username: jasonbeck

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby worriedson714 » Wed Jul 21, 2021 6:47 pm

Hello my perspective is a little different since I'm a caregiver but even I have struggled with this my dad getting cancer has left me filled with worries of losing him and getting cancer myself . It also has changed how I look at the world in many ways like I feel a ticking clock every second and left with with alot of questions of why all this suffering in the world what's the point ? I don't have these answers all I know is you got to find a new normal live in each moment and it truly shows how priceless life is not just for a cancer patient but everyone . I am sorry for what your going threw and wishing you the best hang in there your not alone your young and that's going to go a long way in beating this demon .
My Dad was DX - March 2019 stage 3 rectal cancer
Folfox Chemo - 6/ 2019 threw 10/2019
Radiation - 4/ 2019 threw 5/2019
12/ 2019 - Abdominal Perineal Resection - Cancer left and permanent colostomy
watching and waiting
9/2021- Surgery to remove prostate and bladder- Permanent Urostomy still cancer left
Watching and waiting
5/28/2021 - Positive Biopsy Mostly necrotic tumor
6/14/2021 - Sepsis with obstructive uropathy needed nephrostomy tube
Awaiting Start lifelong chemo
7/19/2021 Kidney infection

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ginabeewell
Posts: 506
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby ginabeewell » Thu Jul 22, 2021 12:39 am

I do understand how you feel, and I’ve been there myself on multiple occasions. I remember wailing to my therapist that I would never feel safe again!!

I’m now three years in. I’ve been to NED three times and had two recurrences. I feel safer and more secure and happy than I did before my diagnosis, and it’s not because I feel like I left cancer behind. I think that all the work I’ve put into therapy has allowed me to get to a more “zen” place.

In a recent post I did on my Facebook support group I talked about arriving at a place where I’m actually finding that knowing my cancer might return is helping me to live life with more joy and appreciation than I’ve ever been able to experience before. It may not be what you need to hear right now, but at some point I hope you reach the same conclusion. I’ll admit it took me a few years!

https://www.facebook.com/groups/1132462 ... 585766004/

saltygirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby saltygirl » Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:01 am

Gina,
You are truly inspiring. I am also trying to find a “silver lining”. Mostly happy it’s me and not my kids who have cancer. Proud of the fact that so far lives of my kids have not been effected at all. Daughter loves her out of state college experience. Son is happy playing sports at high school. I am proud of myself that on folfoxiri I have been to California, skiing in Utah, Disneyworld in Florida. Off treatment for now and just got back from California, Europe etc. I am determined to continue living every day.

saltygirl
Posts: 26
Joined: Sun Feb 07, 2021 4:46 pm
Facebook Username: Salty.girl

Re: Grieving my past life and no one understands

Postby saltygirl » Thu Jul 22, 2021 8:06 am

saltygirl wrote:Gina,
You are truly inspiring. I am also trying to find a “silver lining”. Mostly happy it’s me and not my kids who have cancer. Proud of the fact that so far lives of my kids have not been effected at all. Daughter loves her out of state college experience. Son is happy playing sports at high school. I am proud of myself that on folfoxiri I have been to California, skiing in Utah, Disneyworld in Florida. Off treatment for now and just got back from California, Europe etc. I am determined to continue living every day.

I tell myself that people die every day for different reasons. Young and healthy. 2 healthy moms were driving with their teenagers to an out of state athletic event we also participated. All 4 killed in a car accident. I am great full that I am alive today. I don’t think about the future. Nothing is guaranteed for anybody.


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