Waxing Whistful - 8 years since diagnosis

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PainInTheAss
Posts: 673
Joined: Tue Jul 02, 2013 3:08 am

Waxing Whistful - 8 years since diagnosis

Postby PainInTheAss » Sun Jul 11, 2021 3:28 am

Hello all,

I personally found it incredibly inspiring to hear of a IIIc who was five-years cured and back to living life when I first was diagnosed. The image of having a bandage over my irrigated stoma in a bathing suit laughing on a sunny beach was #Goals for me (although I'm super lazy about irrigating and only do it for trips and special occasions, lol).

Anyway, I ran across a story about someone who had cancer and died in 2008 and added up the age difference and realized that we were the same age.

I will be the first to tell you that I have not experienced one iota of survivor's guilt. Not one. I am sooooo grateful to be considered cured, but I am left with scars. Cancer has changed me, permanently, and the person I used to be is no longer with us. I miss her. I do. And sometimes it makes me cry. I'm just not that person any more. There is no going back.

But, many aspects of my life are back to normal. It took a loooooong time for the crampiness from chemo to go away, years. I can finally get up and down and move fairly normally. I have a bit of neuropathy in my feet, and I've tripped and fallen a few times because of it. I've fallen down the stairs a couple of times, so I am very reluctant to go upstairs and only do it if I have to (which makes my daughter soooo mad). I still have periodic accidents with my bag, and always carry clean-up supplies in my purse. Oh well.

But I'm just busy with life. Busy with work, cleaning the house, doing projects - just living. You just forget all about cancer sometimes. Then you read a story about someone dying of cancer and it all comes flooding back."That could have been me."

I guess the reality of surviving is a far cry from just laughing on a beach, but you do still get the chance to laugh on the beach.

I am so grateful.

But I don't feel guilty. You just get busy with life when you survive. That's a good thing. That is the goal.
47yo single mom of 4 (24, 21, 18, 16) at Dx
6/13 - RC T4b IIIc 5LNs on PET CEA 5.4
8/13 - Finish chemorad
10/13 - APR/hyst+ovaries/perm colostomy 2/12 nodes+
6/14 - Finish Xelox 6 rds
1/15 - CT clear CEA 0.2
10/15 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.7
4/16 - CT clear
10/16 - CT/MRI clear CEA 0.6
5/17 - PET clear? Follow up MRI to verify inflammation

User avatar
horizon
Posts: 1668
Joined: Tue Apr 12, 2011 10:10 pm

Re: Waxing Whistful - 8 years since diagnosis

Postby horizon » Wed Jul 14, 2021 11:15 am

I will be the first to tell you that I have not experienced one iota of survivor's guilt. Not one. I am sooooo grateful to be considered cured, but I am left with scars. Cancer has changed me, permanently, and the person I used to be is no longer with us. I miss her. I do. And sometimes it makes me cry. I'm just not that person any more. There is no going back.


Boy did this hit me hard. Sometimes I feel I was robbed of some of my best "younger" years and miss who I was. I'm also so so grateful like you said.

Congrats on 8 years!
I'm just a dude who still can't believe he had a resection and went through chemo (currently 12 years NED). Is this real life?

DCook54
Posts: 31
Joined: Sat Sep 05, 2020 10:12 pm

Re: Waxing Whistful - 8 years since diagnosis

Postby DCook54 » Wed Jul 14, 2021 1:52 pm

Congrats on 8 years!! Although I am only 18 months from my initial dx, I am not the same. Sometimes I feel more free than I ever have because I tell myself "go for it" "say it" "what are you holding back for?" And I surprise myself and my family bc I am usually pretty reserved and somewhat inhibited. Other times, I'm so afraid that I really want to withdraw from everyone and just stay in my own mind. As I navigate this unintentional route, I am finding more and more strength in this forum and in stories like yours. Thank you!
54 yo f
Stage IV colon- mets to lungs
KRAS G12V
Dec 2019- partial colect adenocarcinoma
0/31 LN
Jan 2020-PET NED
Jan 2020- Staged at I
July 2020-Ct-nodules both lungs
July 2020-VATS both lungs pos crc mets Stage IV
Aug 2020 began 1/6 cycles Folfox
Nov 20 Comp 6 Folfox
Dec 20 Colonoscopy/CTs clean
Dec 20 NED
April 21 Stable scans. 4 mm lung nodule to watch
Aug 21 VATS 2 nodules cancer
Sept 21-present Xeloda Main.
Nov 22 clear scans = 15 months NED
Dec 22 pleural effusion neg for cancer


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