The Trifecta: Colon Cancer, Young Parents, Young Kids

[Bev G]

A couple of you guys, younger members of our beloved Colon Club family, have expressed a desire to have a thread devoted to the issues our young parents are facing. So, here you go. God bless you guys in your search for balance, health and the utter obliteration of cancer in your bodies. Wishing you peace and joy despite the challenges and suffering. There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is usually not a train.

xox

Bev

[Hall0731]

Thanks for creating this post. I sure hope there is a bright shiny light at the end for me. Would love to hear how others are handling it.

[-Sophie-]

I will join in, I am at the end of my active treatment but its still tough having young kids.

I find it tough that my youngest is always saying "mummy sick", for half her life I have been so it shouldn't surprise me but it hurts. Starting to create positive memories for her now.

[O Stoma Mia]

... God bless you guys in your search ... There is light at the end of the tunnel, and it is usually not a train.

Hi Bev- Thanks for setting up this thread. I think the younger people in the Forum really need something like this to share thoughts and ideas. As a starter, I might suggest that younger parents do a Google search using the keywords "telling children about cancer". It looks like there's a lot of material on the Internet on this particular topic.

[ab123]

When I was diagnosed last year at age 38 my boys were 5 and 7. It was a tough year especially for the 7-year-old, who was pretty anxious about it. I decided from the outset to be very open about what was going on, and explained to them both what rectal cancer was, where the tumor was, what the anatomy looked like, what the treatment was, etc. I also asked them many times along the way, together and separately, if they had any questions or if anything was on their minds.

Since I had radiation first, we talked a lot about that to start. They drew pictures of X-wing fighters shooting radiation beams into the core of the death star tumor. I really got a kick out of that. It was also a great opportunity to talk about anatomy, show them pictures, and explain how the GI system works.

We met with both kids' teachers with the kids just to give everybody a heads-up about what the kids were facing so the boys felt comfortable going to their teachers with any anxieties or concerns or questions or whatever. And since my 7-year-old had already been known to have some outbursts we wanted everybody to be ready to support him as much as possible. That seemed to help.

As surgery approached the 7-year-old was more nervous, and had a couple outbursts at school. We started taking him to a therapist to talk through his feelings, which also helped. And even though I never said anything like "I might die" when I was explaining the treatment or the disease, he said to me one day, "You know it's a good thing it hasn't spread to your bones." He obviously understood what was at stake.

Not being able to play much during chemo was tough on the boys, and on my wife who had to take up the slack. But I could still play board games and read to them through most of it.

I've been very lucky so far, and my boys are confident that I'm all better. Hopefully that's true!

[Busymamaof3]

I am not that young (41) but I do have young kids (10,8,4) When all this started my youngest was 3 and my biggest goal was to live long enough for her to remember me. Still feels surreal to have those kinds of goals at this stage of my life. How this all impacts the kids is the hardest part of this cancer journey for me. I can't understand why they have to lose so much innocence through this but I have to believe they will somehow become better adults because of it all.

We too have been very open with them from diagnosis. They do amazingly well in spite of it all. The most important thing for them is my being here. They don't care if I am crashed on the couch watching cartoons with them as long as I am here.

[Hall0731]

I think my hardest feelings to deal with through this whole train wreck is watching my kids grow up without me. That just brings me to my knees. My kids are 12 and almost 3 . my son who is 12 knows what is going on and is scared, but does see a therapist. I sometimes think that isn't enough for him. My daughter doesn't understand anymore than mommy is having to take alot of medicine to make me better. I am having to change my goals now. I am always hoping for a cure, but at this point not sure it is in the cards for me with the spread. I hope to make it to my son getting to high school and my daughter starting kindergarten. This just sucks sooo bad.

Teresa

[tiggie_train]

I was 30 years old & my precious daughter was 3 months old when I was first diagnosed. Initially I thought it was so unfair to be diagnosed having only just had my baby. Now I believe that she was sent to me first to keep me strong, focused & determined to keep fighting this bastard of a disease. She is my daily reminder that miracles can happen & she really is the best medicine in the world. Hallie is now 10 months old & even on the darkest of dark days, can make me laugh. She is such a blessing. For the moment we are thankful that she is too young to know what is going on. I now have surreal goals that I never dreamed of having - no parent should - like living long enough for Hallie to remember me (it breaks my heart to write that). If things do go pear shaped for me, then I know I've left the world with all the best bits of me bundled up into one perfect little package named Hallie.

Thinking of you all - now go give your kids a big hug!

[kmv]

Thanks Bev for starting the thread. I identify with each of you - it is just the worst feeling to know that I might not be able to raise my girls.I don't even know where to begin with my issues. This week, between chemo treatments, my biggest struggle has been being present for my kids and not withdrawing into my dark and depressing cancer world. I have been sliding into depression and I can't let myself to succumb to it because it would be letting down my husband and kids. I keep telling myself to be strong and positive for them, but it isn't so easy. We probably need therapy, this is just too much to cope with on our own.

[Cabisbee]

Thanks for pointing out this thread to me, O Stoma Mia. I just joined this board a week or so ago and introduced myself last week I think. It is my husband who was diagnosed in July, but we do have young children, 11,6, 3. It's been pretty overwhelming for all of us. My mother-in-law just passed away this past October from metastatic breast cancer after a two year fight, so emotions were still raw from that, and my children are way too familiar already with what life with cancer is like. My husband was diagnosed and in surgery within 24 hours. The mass was already through his colon wall, attached to his peritoneal lining and in a couple of lymph nodes, so the month of waiting for a PET scan post-op was pretty scary. We are very blessed his scan was clear but very aware that with stage 3 you can't take anything for granted as being in the clear. He is due for his second round of Folfox this coming Monday. So far his side effects have been manageable and he was able to go back to work this week after finally being released by the surgeon. We are trying hard to focus on the day by day and not get carried away in fear of the future, but I have to keep remind myself to pray instead of panic...

[kirac]

Thanks for starting this thread. Well, I'm not a young parent in age (41 soon), but we have a 8 month old son and a 3 year old girl. My husband was diagnosed less than a month after our son was born so it's been crazy. I think it's easier for them/us at their young age because they don't question or worry. We're just so freaking tired. And, I just hire help if I need it (no family). For us, it's about getting through it and changing our lives. We don't have time to be stressed because we're just busy with our kids and treatment. Often I worry that we're missing out on getting the best treatment. We have great doctors and are being treating at UCLA but it's not like we look farther. We trusted my friend (rad onc) with referrals and advice.

[Cherie]

Hi Everyone, Just as you have all commented it is the thought that I will not be there to raise my daughter that crushes me. I'm not a young mum 36, my only daughter is four. She was born with a rare kidney disease. Normally the disease (ARPKD) kills the babies within the first day of life. I got lucky somehow, thanks to modern medicine I have a happy healthy little girl who is sooooo naughty but will one day need a transplant. I NEED to be here for her. Instead she is the one taking my dishes to the sink and asking me if I am o.k today. I want to be healthy about how I approach cancer. It seems in a western culture death is kept hidden behind closed doors as we retreat to hospital or home and retract from life. I what her to remember me if I die and make sure she knows how much I love her so I thought about a memory chest. She love dressing up in my wedding dress, and looking at photo books of her family and I have even scraped enough money away to make sure she can go to university where ever she wants. I feel she is too young to understand death but I can see anxiety growing in her as I get thinner and loose my hair. My family hate the idea that I prepare for my death but I also remain optimistic on the days when chemo is not beating me down. I do think if my cancer spreads that I will not try to prolong my life I know that might sound strange but I would rather have my husband move on and rebuild a new life rather than hold onto one with no future. I would certainly like to hear about things that have helped your children through this time.

Cherie

[Jachut]

I was 43 and had a seven year old daughter, and thirteen and fifteen year old sons. Honestly, the whole thing never phased them, no tears, no anxieties, no problems at school. We were very open about it all, but it just never seemed they were worried, as long as i could still drive them everywhere!

But i remeber the horrible fear over how my husband and kids would be affected if i died. It kept me awake many many nights. And financially we were fine, but i spent 13 years at home raising me kids and had justqualified as a teacher and returned to work. We had such goals and dreams which were shattered because i had to stop working. It was awful.

[tayrites]

Hi all,

I'm new to the CC and have just posted an introduction on the main page but am really interested in this thread. Please mind the double info, but wanted to introduce myself here, considering the topic.

In June I was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer (liver mets). I'm 33 and have a 7-month-old daughter that I gave birth to in January. My pregnancy and emergency c-section recovery masked many of the symptoms of the cancer (anemia, abdominal pain, weight loss after baby, etc.). I had bad gas pain after the c-section which never went away but both my GP and OB shrugged it off as scar tissue or hormones. Went to ER in June after pain got so bad, they did a sigmoidoscopy and found the primary tumour. Two days later I found out that there are 6 large tumours in 75% of my liver. I've had the tumour removed from my colon and am undergoing chemo to see whether they can resect it from my liver. My oncologist and the liver surgeon said the only reason they're not treating it palliatively is because of my age and the fact that I'm very healthy otherwise. Prior to chemo, it was inoperable due to one tumour being too close to an artery. I have a scan next week to see how it's responded to the 4 rounds of chemo.

It took me and my partner many years to get pregnant and I don't understand the timing of all of this, but I've learned not to ask "why". This has been both the best and worst year of my life, with the birth of our daughter and the subsequent cancer diagnosis. She keeps me in the moment though, which I've never really been good at doing until now.

I'm looking forward to getting to know you and wish you all the best. Would love to know if any of you had cancer during your pregnancy too.

[debzak]

I have been fighting this battle for a year and a half. My daughters are 11 and 15. I was supposed to be done with treatment and have my ostomy reversed this summer, when a CT in may revealed liver mets. Now ever scan I get shows something new...a few spots on my lungs and now a bone met. But finally the liver mets are responding to the chemo and HAI pump.

We haven't done anything as a family in the entire time... It is mostly my fault; or my fatigue. My husband and younger daughter do things together and the teenager is a teenager. I feel terrible that they have to experience this and that this will be part of their life's memories.

We have to start planning my daugher's bat mitzvah for nov 8 2014 and I am afraid I won't be around to see it. We could move the date up, but what to I day to her "sorry, mommy might not be around then, so I want to do it sooner"

I try not to get angry at them, but sometimes Ijust can't help it. I want them to learn how to take care of themselves, for when I am not here. I try to tell my husband to help make them more independant, but he does those little things I want them to do, like empty their own backpacks. I want to know that my children can take care of themselves and will be ok. We often spend our time protecting them from the bad things in this world and then this happens...

This is so unfair and I don't know why this is happening to me. I was completely healthy. I didn't smoke or drink or anything. I wish I could go back in time about 6 years and get a colonoscopy...to catch it sooner.

Debbi