Okay, I love Steven Wright. Some of these may not be inspirational, but they put a smile on my face.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it? --
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said,
"Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...
he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait." --
I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me are
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car
keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was
speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right
here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all
the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
Last year we drove across the country. We switched on the driving...every half
mile...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I don't
remember what it was.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?"
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now.