I feel odd posting this. I’m hoping folks with similar experience can shed light.
When I was diagnosed in January, I spent very little time lamenting the situation. Figured it was better to put the gloves on and fight right away. Colon resection was successful. My first six rounds of chemo produced great results and never really knocked me down physically. Maybe some nausea or appetite loss here and there. But fatigue was very manageable and neuropathy from FOLFOX was never terrible. Liver resection went well in July. I was back home in 5 days and feeling great.
Then, the August scans dashed my hopes. I thought for sure, with everything going so well, I was on my way to NED after successful liver resection. But those darned spots showed up on the MRI and PET scan. Scary stuff considering I’d just had 70% of my liver removed 1.5 months earlier. Like, really? Spots so soon again?
That finally turned my world upside down for about 2 months. Then I snapped out of it. And here’s the crazy part. I realized one day a few weeks ago....I feel great. Physically, I’m feel as good if not better than I did before my initial symptoms showed up last year. Sure, on chemo week I slow down a bit. But I’m still fully functional and strong for the most part.
And yet I can’t shake this dark cloud. Knowing that I have this stuff in my liver. Not knowing if it’s spread since my last scan. Wondering when my current chemo cocktail will stop working. I finally had a reaction to Oxiliplatin this past Monday. Felt flushed, stuffy and itchy. I’ve never suffered from allergies, but here we go.
This, more than anything else, sucks the most. I should be focusing on the fact that I’m here and feeling good. Instead, it’s hard not to wonder if anytime your body feels odd, it’s cancer related or not. It’s almost like you’re just waiting for the next shoe to drop.
I suppose I still have to learn how to accept and be grateful for prosperity. Not proving to be the easiest thing when you feel like you’re on borrowed time.
What’s helped you?