The things people say to cancer patients

[crikklekay]

I think any cancer patient/caregiver can relate as like many people have said in this thread, no one thinks before they speak. The thing I hate the most is when people pipe up with "Oh my friend had cancer, they only lived for two years after" or "My mother-in-law had lung cancer, she was never the same" and "My father-in-law's cancer just came back and they don't know what to do" ad nauseam. The last thing I want to hear is about your friend/family member/coworker and their battle with cancer, especially if it went bad! Stories like that just add to my anxiety. For some reason they were never stories like "So-and-so had cancer, but they beat it and doing well and so will he!", it was always something awful.

The worst thing was an off-handed comment my Mom made to me once, and anytime she asks how I'm doing it just repeats in the back of my mind. I was venting how I'm going to be anxious over every little thing going forward because it might mean the cancer is back or the chemo isn't working, and she told me that "anxiety is a sin" because we're supposed to trust in God and anxiety means we aren't putting faith in Him. It was like a gut punch, and it goes without saying that I haven't opened up to my mother on how I'm really feeling since. So vent all you want, we all know exactly where you're coming from!

[NHMike]

I find that people say dumb things because they are uncomfortable and I find that it's often my job to explain how things are, even if they are unpleasant. Many people my age either have problems or care for someone with problems or know people that have problems. There's a huge amount of ignorance out there about cancer as well.

I was on a Marketwatch discussion board on an article where the writer said that his mother tried one round of chemo and decided that she was not going to continue. In the comments, one older person, in his 70s, indicated that he probably wouldn't go through treatment. I just commented that the decision is a lot different if your survival rate is 5% compared to 95%. And then he agreed. We here know a lot of the science and the medicine and know lots of people that have made it through treatment. It is no picnic and we worry, suffer pain, and lots of other things. And it's difficult for others to get that - because they're likely terrified of it.

[juliej]

We have other threads on what not to say to a cancer patient, but pretty much nonexistent on what TO say, if anything @ all.

I want simple acknowledgement: "I am so, so sorry this is happening to you."

Then Love. This one is tricky because too much love can make you feel like you're attending your own funeral, but just the right amount can give me super powers.

Asking ""How can I be helpful?" is very nice too.

What I don't need:

Solutions. I have an oncologist for that, thank you.

Comparisons. No, my stage 4 CRC is nothing like your Uncle Charlie's thyroid cancer. And your chronic arthritis doesn't compare to my chemotherapy treatment, nor your hip surgery to my liver resection.

Downplaying: I know I'm better off than a child dying from starvation in Ethiopia, but don't underrate the significance of my illness.

Religious zealots. I'm sure your heaven is a good place but I'm not in any hurry to go there.

Juliej

[Maggie Nell]

I learned over the chemo period that 2 of my clients were using my cancer card on their clients as an excuse for stuff that they should have dealt with. That pissed me off.

mob

I gotta ask, as an aussie, what does this mean about using your cancer card as an excuse for not dealing with their stuff?


Last week, during a discussion, with a social worker, I just mentioned that my unexpected medical emergency with colon cancer took
priority over attending to some documentation at the time or within the 6-month window. The woman didn't even look me in the face
when she sniped; "Rolling over and playing dead is no excuse". Senior management are in damage control but I've lost that forgiving
feeling.....

[NHMike]

I learned over the chemo period that 2 of my clients were using my cancer card on their clients as an excuse for stuff that they should have dealt with. That pissed me off.

mob

I gotta ask, as an aussie, what does this mean about using your cancer card as an excuse for not dealing with their stuff?


Last week, during a discussion, with a social worker, I just mentioned that my unexpected medical emergency with colon cancer took
priority over attending to some documentation at the time or within the 6-month window. The woman didn't even look me in the face
when she sniped; "Rolling over and playing dead is no excuse". Senior management are in damage control but I've lost that forgiving
feeling.....

Playing the cancer card is using your status to get a pass on something. So you want to get off jury duty and you tell the clerk that you have cancer and the clerk lets you off (btw, there are many valid cases where having cancer should get you off a jury such as dealing with chemo or an ileostomy).

I'm not sure how you would play someone else's cancer card - maybe something like I have to help a friend with cancer in order to get out of doing something.

[mobrouser]

I learned over the chemo period that 2 of my clients were using my cancer card on their clients as an excuse for stuff that they should have dealt with. That pissed me off.

mob

I gotta ask, as an aussie, what does this mean about using your cancer card as an excuse for not dealing with their stuff?....

One example --
Bills that I didn't know about were not being paid. For over a year. Collection agency got involved a few months ago and the excuse they used for non payment was because I was undergoing chemo. Sorry, my cancer had nothing to do with the manager ignoring multiple bills,statements and phone calls.

And it's my card to use not theirs.

mob

[Maggie Nell]

Aha. Gotcha. Thanks mob

[stu]

Oh Mobrouser that was rotten of them .
Projection or what !!
Stu

[LaciK]

Hang in there. What people say is about them not us. It’s really hard to keep that in mind or be forced to deal with these folks. We get it!

My mom at first denied it was cancer (even though the doctor was pretty sure it was). Her first question to the doctor was “what caused it”...”could it be all the toxins in our food and environment “. Then she blamed me, big pharma conspiracies and traditional medicine. Perhaps not the best conversation when you are initially diagnosed. I wasn’t getting the support of the one person who was supposed to be helping me. She actually went to therapy with me and things are much better now, so it might not be hopeless. I avoided people who were clueless and less important in my life. Cancer is a journey all right!

[bitchslapped]

ownplaying: I know I'm better off than a child dying from starvation in Ethiopia, but don't underrate the significance of my illness.

Really liked your post juliej. I call that "minimizing". Overheard it happening to my DH by a very good friend...a man of faith, good man who said: "I could get hit by a bus tomorrow. We just don't know what is going to happen". He would never mean to harm or hurt anyone. It is my BFF's DH who now has Stage IV prostate cancer. We (DH & I) never discussed the comment & I hope he was not offended. I know he was trying to comfort/identify w/DH. But if one has not been a cancer patient, or even within differing stages of cancer it's possible to say the wrong thing. Think about it.


I would like to see more posts like yours to help educate although venting the offensive comments is good for the soul.

BS

[O Stoma Mia]

...We have other threads on what not to say to a cancer patient, but pretty much nonexistent on what TO say, if anything @ all...

Other threads ...
http://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=53204&p=420586#p420586

There is indeed a book that focuses mainly on what TO do and what TO say in these kinds of circumstances. You might find some additional tips in that book:

How to Be a Friend to a Friend Who's Sick (2014) by Letty Cottin Pogrebin -- Chapter 1: “I Can’t Believe You Said That”

[ocstacy]

Cancer can bring out the best in your friends and the worst. I dropped a friendship with one of my supposedly best friends when I was going through treatment. I realized she was dragging me down. She was not there for me, clueless to what i was going through, and made too many rude comments.

Yes, that is for sure. I recently deleted a friend on my facebook page and out of my life who I thought was a good friend to me. You see, her mother had breast cancer and now is in remission. After I let her know about my mother having cancer, she never reached out to me to see how my mom was doing. Every once in awhile when we would hang out in a group of friends, she would sort of ask, but she was fake about it all. All she cared about was her new wealthy fake life hanging out with fakes friends on fake vacations. She turned more nasty when she started to flaunt her money. She flaked on me one day cause she went to a massage spa, I just know now that I was always trying to please the bully, the bully who has been bullying my whole life. I finally got rid of her as a friend as it started to my anxiety worst.. Friends should not have to make you feel that way. Funny thing, I deleted her, and she never contacted me. You see, it was never there to begin with. Good luck friend, who has no real friends. Nobody deserves to be treated like crap if it's their problem to begin with.

[boxhill]

I must say that I have been very lucky with the response of my family and friends. NONE of them have made that kind of remark to me. The only "my X had cancer" stories I was offered were right after surgery when the news broke, and they were few but very positive, have hope kinds of things as in "my mother had lung/colon cancer 13 years ago and she did surgery and chemo and she's fine and still going strong at 80+. You can make it."

One factor may be that I avoided using the magic words "Stage IV." To the broader community, I'd just say that the surgery removed all of the detectable cancer and I was having follow-up chemo to kill the remaining cancer cells that were probably roaming around looking for a new home. Which is in fact the truth. Close friends know the whole deal. Anyone who is curious can google the implications of adjuvant therapy. If they have discreetly discussed it, I don't know about it.

People tell me I look great--which in fact I do, LOL, since I lost almost 30 lbs and have some nice color due to the summer--and ask me how I'm feeling. I usually say--assuming it's one of those good, late in the cycle days--"Fine today!" I'm open about the fact that although I am very, very lucky to tolerate chemo better than many others, I do have periods of strong fatigue. It mostly comes up when planning.

I'm a Unitarian Universalist, so I am lucky that members of my church community, which is very important to me, are highly unlikely to make offensive religious remarks!

I did have one alternate therapy loon try to tell me about some kind of supplement regimen--don't get me wrong, I use supplements, but not expensive programs, and not INSTEAD of chemo--unless, in her words, "You chose to go the chemo route." I nodded and smiled and told her to write it down. I refrained from saying that yes, I was indeed going the chemo route because I did not have a death wish.

[J-man]

Upon receiving what I felt was a discourteous comment from a semi-friend,
I asked them if they truly KNEW what I had been through ?

Their answer was " umm I guess not really "

My reply was to put up my hand ( talk to the hand style )
and I turned and walked away

have not spoken to / with them since

I felt free when I turned around and left that conversation and left all their bullshit behind

there is no excuse sometime for such insensitivity
no excuse

maybe to give all the info, their comment was :
"at least you're not going to die from this"

I do not post here very much, but YES
I could have, maybe still going to die from this

[heiders33]

My favorite thing (not) is when I get back to work from a doctor’s appointment and my coworkers ask “is everything okay?” No, everything has not been okay for some time now! I know they are just being nice and I don’t fault them, but what do you say to that when you’ve spent all week in appointments planning for your next round of cancer treatment? “Yes, everything is fine, don’t worry.”