O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

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CRguy
Posts: 10285
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby CRguy » Thu Aug 03, 2017 12:43 am

OK it seems
been here for a lotta years

been through reams and reams and reams .....
and a lotta tears

seen friends come
seen friends go

wanna HOLD on
need to let them go

some times
gotta let them go

so it seems
after years and years

gotta figure out
BUTT then the tears

after ALL these
after ALL THESE
after all these years

how do we lettem'
......go
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
14 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

[Ana & Alex]
Posts: 96
Joined: Tue Feb 14, 2017 5:14 pm
Location: Austria

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby [Ana & Alex] » Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:23 am

Dear CRguy....

Life is such a blessing. But.

Sometimes to be the one left behind while our loved ones move forward to another state of being seems such a hard punishment for staying alive.

It doesn't get any easier, we just learn to let go of our grief and sorrow to a melancholic state while trying to keep memories alive.

I don't believe in anything espiritual, but I do believe that love is a powerful force that allows us to live inside each other.

I hope you can live the loved ones you miss so terrible inside yourself, inside your days, and that this void they left behind became more tolerable each day...

Love,
Ana
Dx @ 29 yo. Mum (2 y.o.) & Wife

12/2016: Rectal AdenoCa G2. CEA 4.3. RAS Wild. MSS. IIIB.
01 - 03/2017: 28 RTx + CHT 2,5 g/d Capecit.
03 - 06/2017: Suplemments and Cimetidine.
05/2017: TME/TAMIS + permanent Colostomy CEA 0.5
05/2017: ypT2N2aM0 (4/15), good cCR, limited pCR
06 - 8/2017: 4x CapOx 3,5 g/d (2x Oxi reduced to 80%)
09 -11/2017: 3x Capecit. monotherapy 4g/d
12/2017: Aspirin, Vit. D3, Curcumin, Multivitamin.

JudeD59
Posts: 726
Joined: Sun Apr 12, 2015 12:16 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby JudeD59 » Thu Aug 03, 2017 1:29 am

Love ya, CR Guy. So sorry there is so much heartbreak mixed in with the love and laughter on this board. The rest of us can take a step back when the losses hit too hard, but you are here day in and day out with no break from the tears. Maybe you need to take a couple of days away to grieve for BB. We need you to take care of yourself first and the board second.

I wish I could tell you how to let go, but I'm not very good at it myself. I guess we just hang on to the good memories and know that the pain of the loss will come in waves, pounding your heart and soul, but receding a bit more, then a bit more, and a bit more, over time. And we can realize that without this board, we wouldn't have had the chance to get to know and spend time with those we eventually lost. They never would have touched our lives at all. We did meet them, shared with them, cared about them, and now we honor their memories by remembering them and sharing what they taught us about life with new members.

Thanks for sharing your heart with all of us, CR Guy.

Judy
56 yrs old, wife, mother to 4 daughters
RC Stage II T3N0M0 DX April 2, 2015
6 cm. mid-rectum-CEA 121
Xeloda and radiation finished 06/15/15- CEA 242
CEA right before surgery 81
LAR performed 8/12/15 Temporary ileostomy
CEA 10-21-15 1.6
PET scan 11-4-15 All clear
Port installed 11/11/15
Folfox started 11/18/15
Folfox stopped due to bad reaction
Reversal 2/17/16
CEA 2/3/16 1.7
CEA 3/31/16 1.3
CT Scan 4/12/16 All Clear
Port removed 4/21/16
CEA 5/24/17 1.4

Lovenothate
Posts: 37
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 3:13 am
Facebook Username: Emily.guzman

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby Lovenothate » Thu Aug 03, 2017 2:30 am

CRguy,

Perhaps we are not meant to let go. When someone we love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. It is our responsibility to hold on to their spirit and thoughts. It is our duty to allow their essence and beauty into our own journey!

I completely agree with Judy. It is of utmost importance that we allow our souls to heal because we still have a lot of work to complete in our own lives. I am sending love and healing energy to you. CRguy we're all here for you too. Don't forget that!

With love,
Em
daughter to DM dx Stage IV CRC @47 July 2016
total hysterectomy b/c ovarian mets abscites 6/16
Colostomy
Folfox 7/16
Lung spots 2mm each 9/16
Xeloda & Avastin 1/17
Shrinkage to lungs spots! 4/17
Break from Avastin/ Xeloda continued 7/17
Omentum mets/ lungs mets stable(possibly not malignant)
Folfiri 8/17
1 lung spot all along-clear abdomen scans chemo break until 4/4/17

alphagam
Posts: 203
Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2011 10:48 am
Facebook Username: Kathy Maine Ruess

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby alphagam » Thu Aug 03, 2017 3:39 pm

CRGuy......

We don't let go....it's always with us...today I took food to a close friend.....her daughter committed suicide last week....I told her I was SO sorry, but I didn't gave any other words and I don't.

Kathy
Dx Feb 2010 4 cm tumor, just inside rectum
EUS stated T3 tumor
2nd opinion, need better path
Mar 2010 transanal surgery. Surgery by board certified CRS found tumor only in lining
6 exams of surg site, 3 PET, 3 scopes laterNED.
Scope in Mar2015, clean colon
Next scope/test in 3 years

Lee
Posts: 6202
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby Lee » Thu Aug 03, 2017 4:58 pm

(((CRGuy)))

Sometimes, time is the only remedy/cure.

And I do believe a bit of there spirits lives within us. As long as we are alive, remember and honor them, they are very alive within us too.

Thinking of you and of Eric.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 16 years and counting!

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chrissyrice
Posts: 1171
Joined: Thu Sep 23, 2010 8:44 am
Location: Atlanta, Georgia

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby chrissyrice » Thu Aug 03, 2017 8:29 pm

CRguy,

Perhaps we are not meant to let go. When someone we love becomes a memory, the memory becomes a treasure. It is our responsibility to hold on to their spirit and thoughts. It is our duty to allow their essence and beauty into our own journey!

I completely agree with Judy. It is of utmost importance that we allow our souls to heal because we still have a lot of work to complete in our own lives. I am sending love and healing energy to you. CRguy we're all here for you too. Don't forget that!


Beautifully said Em
DX 10-31-09 Surgery 12-1-09 Sigmoid Colon
Stage IIIb T3,N2,MX; Chemo Feb 2010-Aug 2010; 4 rounds Folfox; 8 rounds 5FU +LV
12/2010 PET/CT Scan, Cancer Free
7/2012 CT Scan NED 2 years
10/2013 NED 3 years
8/2014 NED 4 years
Recurrence 6/2015: iliac lymph node(s)
8/2015 Surgery: 3 cm tumor removed+iliac artery graft
3/2016 CT Scan Stable
6/2016 Stable
9/2016 Stable
12/2016 Stable
3/2017 Stable
Recurrence 6/2017
12/2017 Surgery removed all cancer w/ clean margins
07-27-2018 Cancer-free for 7 months

User avatar
CRguy
Posts: 10285
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby CRguy » Fri Aug 04, 2017 12:00 am

Since y'all indulging me ... :shock:
and I thank you all for that and each and EVERY reply I have received in all the topics, and PMs and emails
THIS place is family to me, so I will share a bit more with you

Sometimes I just kind of go stream of consciousness
and post words which are really my energy
BUTT I don't "write" them if you can accept that
I don't "compose" or "create" them

the words just come and I write them down
It is the most direct way for me to share my energies with my family

Eric and I shared a whole lotta stuff
he "knew" and I "knew" things were not going well

we just didn't speak the words that needed to be said
we were still just there for each other, like so many of us HERE are always ... there for each other

My stream of consciousness lyric above is more about me dealing,
than me letting go ... if that makes any sense

how do we lettem'
......go


We don't

We set THEM free of our restraints / bondage / constrictions .....

and in doing so ... we "let them go" to ride 10,000 miles
and soar 10,000 feet
and smile 10,000 smiles
NEVER in defeat

THEY are the winners
we sit here in retreat

they touched us
they left us

we are better
'cos they shared

they challenged life and showed us what it means
to having dared ...
TO LIVE

LIFE fullest
no remorses no regrets

BUTT

just remember friends
we always need
to BE
to FEEL
to LOVE

as every sun will set

another rises and lights up every day

and loved ones having gone
reveal the truth and honesty

at every days new dawn
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
14 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

bitchslapped
Posts: 1534
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:23 pm
Location: PNW/USA

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby bitchslapped » Fri Aug 04, 2017 9:34 am

CRguy wrote:
how do we lettem'
......go


We don't

We set THEM free of our restraints / bondage / constrictions .....

and in doing so ... we "let them go" to ride 10,000 miles
and soar 10,000 feet
and smile 10,000 smiles
NEVER in defeat

THEY are the winners
we sit here in retreat

they touched us
they left us

we are better
'cos they shared

they challenged life and showed us what it means
to having dared ...
TO LIVE

LIFE fullest
no remorses no regrets

BUTT

just remember friends
we always need
to BE
to FEEL
to LOVE

as every sun will set

another rises and lights up every day

and loved ones having gone
reveal the truth and honesty

at every days new dawn


E-X-A-C-T-L-Y...AND to that I reply to an 'ol rocker, such as YOU, w/Norman Greenbaum's hit that has been in over 20 movies & commercials to include the movie Apollo 13 w/Tom Hanks:

https://youtu.be/o49FhjfLbco

Of all the beautiful melodies, touching prose from hundreds of songs, it is THIS that sets ME free to feel & deal...AND...the LOUDER, the better!

BS
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp, diverticulitis
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07 fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

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juliej
Posts: 3114
Joined: Thu Aug 05, 2010 12:59 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby juliej » Fri Aug 04, 2017 6:09 pm

CRguy wrote:We set THEM free of our restraints / bondage / constrictions .....

and in doing so ... we "let them go" to ride 10,000 miles
and soar 10,000 feet
and smile 10,000 smiles
NEVER in defeat

THEY are the winners
we sit here in retreat

they touched us
they left us

we are better
'cos they shared

Beautiful, CRguy. Just beautiful.

This whole cancer-journey-thing has allowed me to develop some deep friendships with an amazing group of fellow travelers. We may have lost a good part of our innocence along the way, but in turn we tend to travel light, be clear-eyed, and share a tendency to seize every damn minute of every damn day. Our relationships quickly achieve an emotional intensity and intimacy that wastes little time. However, the gifts our friendships bring come with the hefty price of heartbreak. But I wouldn’t trade them for the world. Eric's death is a devastating loss for me, eased a little only by the memory of what a pleasure and honor it was to have known him.

As Eric would say, life should be lived one day at a time. Right now I'm trying to do just that.

xo,
JJ
Stage IVb, liver/lung mets 8/4/2010
Xelox+Avastin 8/18/10 to 10/21/2011
LAR, liver resec, HAI pump 11/2011
Adjuvant Irinotecan + FUDR
Double lung surgery + ileo reversal 2/2012
Adjuvant FUDR + Xeloda
VATS rt. lung 12/2012 - benign granuloma!
VATS left lung 11/2013
NED 11/22/13 to 12/18/2019, CEA<1

User avatar
CRguy
Posts: 10285
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby CRguy » Fri Aug 04, 2017 9:00 pm

juliej wrote: Our relationships quickly achieve an emotional intensity and intimacy that wastes little time.
However, the gifts our friendships bring come with the hefty price of heartbreak. But I wouldn’t trade them for the world.

word

in humble harmony
CR
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
14 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

kiwiinoz
Posts: 1156
Joined: Thu Jan 03, 2013 11:44 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby kiwiinoz » Sat Aug 05, 2017 3:28 am

CR Guy
Eric meant so much to so many of us that it hurts that he is gone.
I missed his presence from this board before he passed but I always took solace in the fact he was living life in the real world.
My thoughts are also with his wife
Kiwi
Stage IV Rectal Cancer (39 Year old male at dx)
pT3N0M1 (wish that was M0)
Diagnosed 05 Dec 2012
LAR 05 Jan 2013
VATS 27 Feb 2013
FOLOFX April 2013 - Sep 2013
Clear Scan 03 Dec 2013 - 22 May 2019
Port Out 26 March 2015

WarriorSpouse
Posts: 220
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby WarriorSpouse » Sat Aug 05, 2017 9:21 am

You never let them go CR Guy... They are with you forever. Just like the teacher or coach you have not seen for decades, but are with you in every decision you make. They are there with you forever. Embrace their good and hold on to it tightly. That is the only way you can share their efforts to others in what you do here.

It is difficult to witness the emotional pain here sometimes, but it surely strengthens our purpose to understand, support and lead. Keep on leading CR Guy... You have many experiences that some here are just getting to understand.

We all appreciate you, and the others here that have got our heads around this difficult stuff... Those that pass on will be seen by all of us some day, sick or not; and I look forward to expressing my personal thanks to them when that time comes.

Thank you for all that you do CR Guy:)
WS
D/H 47 years old, 10/2014, Stage IV M/CRC, nodes 12/15, para-aortic, 5 cm sigmoid resection, positive Virchow. KRAS mut, MSS, Highly Differentiated, Lynch Neg, 5FU/LV and Avastin 1 YR (Oxi for 5 months), Zeloda/Bev since 01/2016. 02/2019 recurrence para-nodes, back to 5FU/LV Oxy/Bev. It is working again. "...Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."-Walter Elliot

teachpdx
Posts: 634
Joined: Wed Jan 16, 2013 12:29 am
Location: Portland, OR

Re: O/T ... please indulge me for a sec !

Postby teachpdx » Sat Aug 05, 2017 3:29 pm

Damned you CR - you made me cry. I don't cry much these days and hearing about BB really sent me for a loop and I cried, and then got off my ass and did something because I COULD.

I NEVER forget those who have gone. I don't delete their numbers off of my caller ID. I don't delete their voicemail. Every time I scroll through my callerID and see their names it's a testament to their existence and our relationship - so I can't forget.

I know what you mean about not writing. The few times I've been blessed to have my hand be a conduit for the muses - the things I've written still surprise me to this day.

I'm sorry for your pain butt I've realized that having pain is better than not having pain - it's the price for life and I now embrace strong emotions because it means that we've lived.

Peace to you CR and hopes for a new journey and thanks making me cry.

Kristi
4/24/12 RC T3N1M0 age 53
5/23-7/2 - 26 chemorad - Xeloda
7/16 Lynch- MSH2
8/28 LAR w/ temp ileo, CR, 0/11,M0, hysterectomy
10/13 6 cycles Xeloda - completed only 1 1/2 due to HFS
3/12/13 - reversal
8/13 NED
6/15 - HFS gone!


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