NEW THREAD FOR LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND ONGOING

[recruiter]

My rectal cancer diagnosis, on Jan. 29, 2016, was the beginning of the end for my beloved mother, who died May 13, less than a month before her 90th birthday.

Mom lived with me for several years, as her mobility waned, so I could keep an eye on her. She took the diagnosis very hard, telling me, "I don't know what I'd do without you," and it started her health decline. As a result, I can't help but feel like this damn disease robbed me of my best friend, along with my health.

I have waded through a lot of guilt as a result. On New Year's Eve, I told her, "Remember how you said you didn't know what you'd do without me? Now, I'm trying to figure out how to go on without you."

Some counselors have told me, though, to remember the totality of our wonderful relationship, and that I became "stuck" in the end. It's good advice.

[Mojo]

Hi Lee.
Recruiter , I am sorry to hear about your mothers passing. It doesn't matter how old they are it's still such a kick in the gut. It takes a while but you start to remember the good times rather than the sad times. Once in a great while you'll still get moments they can knock you low. It's been five years and three months since my husband died and I'm surprised that I did as well as I did. I think I'm just an ornery old woman! Lol. Still working full-time I did go from Nightshift to dayshift. I work eight hour shifts rather than 12 hour shift but I am 63 years old. Couple more years and I'm going to retire, we had some plans which will never see happen but I am going to try to go on the rest of my life, and live it with happiness, because he wanted to live so badly. I can't not love every day . Because he fought for every day. Stay strong everybody we will get through this. Big hugs from Mojo a.k.a. Sharon

[Lee]

Hi Lee.

Hi Sharon. Right back at ya

Lee

[bitchslapped]

Recruiter, Your story reminds me of my own relationship w/my DM. Yes, no denying your dx took a toll on your DM. How could it not? It w/n have been possible to have such a wonderful relationship otherwise. Your DM wanted to go first, believe me, as no parent wants to bury their children. It is not the natural order of things. She was spared the biggest heartache ever for a parent. Save your guilt for things you can control, & a mother's love is not one of them. You are now wearing the pain so she doesn't have to. You were a huge comfort, providing a "safe place" for your mom to live. Please don't underestimate what you gave her during her more vulnerable years. I did the same. There is always a certain amount of guilt a caregiver can't easily shake, b/c let's face it; the could of, would of, should of's lurk in our minds & hearts when a loved one dies on our watch. But this I know: They would rather live in a shack w/their family than a castle of strangers.

Your story is heartwarming, really. Extending heartfelt condolences to you for the loss of your beloved mother.

Best Wishes
BS

[ronswife]

Hello,

I am new to this thread. My husband Ron passed away on 12/29/16.

I am slowly healing from deep grief and want to join in the conversation for ideas on how to better manage during this time.

Thanks a lot everyone!

And Happy Mother's Day to all!

[Lee]

ronswife, Happy Mother's Day to you too.

While I did not lose a spouse, I did lose a parent at an early age. I so feel your pain.

God be with you,

(((Ronswife)))

Lee

[Jacques]

Hello,

I am new to this thread. My husband Ron passed away on 12/29/16.

I am slowly healing from deep grief and want to join in the conversation for ideas on how to better manage during this time.

Thanks a lot everyone!

And Happy Mother's Day to all!

ronswife - You might want to check the post below. It mentions a website for widows and widowers that some caregivers have found helpful:

http://coloncancersupport.colonclub.com/viewtopic.php?f=1&t=45200&p=326781#p326688

[ronswife]

Thanks much Jacques!

[Regan]

OMG!!!
I remember all of you who haosted! I followed your journey and many others. . .Skypuppy, Kennytwiste, Queen Gwen, and so many others.
below is a post I made on another thread.

Hi Everyone
So many new people on here since I was such an avid reader/researcher and supporter.

My husband died last August 10, 2016. He said to me -- four days after being diagnosed with Stage IV Rectal -- "Don't give up on me honey, I'm gonna beat this thing"

Well, he gave it a heroic effort and made it four years. Four years of hell. But, he finally succumbed but not from the cancer. The torture of the treatments messed his internal organs up so much that he ended up starving to death. So, he didn't let the cancer get him--in a sickening sort of thought.

I know this is a very depressing message. Just wanted to reach out. I am not handling this well. We met when I was 11, dated at 14, and married at 16. I had 41 splendid years with him. I cannot get over how such a precious man (who worshiped the ground I walked on) could be tortured and die in such a fashion.

I am an agnostic, so belief in a higher power does not help me. Meds dont seem to help. My family is begging me to get professional help, but I am balking. I cant believe talking to a complete (paid) stranger can help me by talking.

Has anyone reached out to a professional??

[ronswife]

Hi Regan'

I totally understand your feelings! I lost my beloved Ron on 12/29/16.

I pray you can soon get some help overcome your depression.

Hugs & Prayers!

Candy

[Brikee]

I stopped by the forum to see how things were going. My husband passed away on jan 23 2017.

Regan - if you don't want to pay for help then please reach out to your local hospital or the one that treated your husband to see if they have any bereavement groups. I just started attending one and it has been a big help. The one I see was specific for spouses who have lost a loved one. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. The Lord gave me 7 wonderful years with my husband. I feel really blessed to have that time with him. I wish I had more but there are other plans for him. I hope you will find some peace. My relationship with Jesus and God has really helped me through these past few weeks.

[ronswife]

Wonderful post Bryce!

[Sharon Brent]

Hi Regan,

I to lost my Husband on 15/11/2014 but it still at raw as if it was yerserday, our girls where only 1 and 5.

To be honest I never seeked out Professional help but instead found great comfort in a friend I became close to while my husband was sick and now we are Best friends.

In my case it wasn't the fact of having professional help or not but the ability to have someone who I could be open and honest with, and not feel judged or pushed into doing things, or Grieve in a manner that other people wanted me to.

She was and still is the reason I was able to try and find the strength to go on without my beloved husband of 20 years.

What I'm saying is, you do what's right for you, either professional help or not, but the most important thing is to talk, let out your grief, anger, dismay or whatever you have inside, don't bottle it up, take time to express everything inside.

In my case in my case I built a 20 foot tree house in my back garden, repainted, redecorated, dismantled the tree house as it didn't have planning permission
Took up Tae Kwon Do again, went to the Gym etc you get my point?

But I spent the past 2 and a half years not keeping anything inside and at the same time making sure my two girls didn't miss out.

Yes of course I also had bouts of depression and uncontrollably crying but in the end it all helped me.

Sorry it's a bit of a long post, but please express yourself how you want, you will feel a part of the burden slowly lift.

I hope this helps

Love Piyagarn

[Lee]

In my case in my case I built a 20 foot tree house in my back garden, repainted, redecorated, dismantled the tree house as it didn't have planning permission
Took up Tae Kwon Do again, went to the Gym etc you get my point?

Love Piyagarn

Okay, this comment put a smile on my face. We spent a few years in Atlanta, GA. Been at the house a few months, come home one day and someone mowed the lawn, in front and back yard. Really I was gonna do it later in week, didn't think it was that bad yet. A few hrs later, my neighbor came over to say it was her. Sometimes she had to take care of her parents for several day. Frustration would build, she found mowing her lawn to be therapy and cheaper than a therapist. Sometimes one lawn was not enough. Would we be offended if she moved our lawn here and there. My response, be my guest, ANYTIME you want.

At least once, she mowed her lawn, our lawn and at least one other lawn, sometime more. She was concerned if neighbors were offended. Told her, tell them what you told us, I'm sure they will be HAPPY to accommodate her ANYTIME you want to move the lawn.

In time, I found she was right, pick a topic and go. Had to stop when I was diagnosed, Onc said being out in the sun was a bad idea for awhile her in Arizona.

Lee

[justin case]

In my case in my case I built a 20 foot tree house in my back garden, repainted, redecorated, dismantled the tree house as it didn't have planning permission
Took up Tae Kwon Do again, went to the Gym etc you get my point?

Love Piyagarn

Okay, this comment put a smile on my face. We spent a few years in Atlanta, GA. Been at the house a few months, come home one day and someone mowed the lawn, in front and back yard. Really I was gonna do it later in week, didn't think it was that bad yet. A few hrs later, my neighbor came over to say it was her. Sometimes she had to take care of her parents for several day. Frustration would build, she found mowing her lawn to be therapy and cheaper than a therapist. Sometimes one lawn was not enough. Would we be offended if she moved our lawn here and there. My response, be my guest, ANYTIME you want.

At least once, she mowed her lawn, our lawn and at least one other lawn, sometime more. She was concerned if neighbors were offended. Told her, tell them what you told us, I'm sure they will be HAPPY to accommodate her ANYTIME you want to move the lawn.

In time, I found she was right, pick a topic and go. Had to stop when I was diagnosed, Onc said being out in the sun was a bad idea for awhile her in Arizona.

Lee

Ha!