Mental Breakdown Today

[teresajj1]

Well I went in for my 6th chemo treatment today & literally had a breakdown in front of my oncologist. I told him I didn't think I could do this anymore and if nothing else I need a break. I'm finding myself anxious, depressed, & physically drained & sick. He hugged me and told me to take a 2 week break & no matter if I decide I'm done with chemo or I can continue on by maybe lowering my dosage or maybe taking pills instead of using my port, that he will be here & support me. I'm feeling defeated & selfish for giving up. My body and mind are telling me to stop, but my heart is telling me to suck it up and take it for the sake of my life. I know that chemo is not a cure, I know my cancer may come back no matter if I do the full chemo or not & so making this decision is agonizing. Anyway, just needed to vent & I know no one understands what I'm dealing with but you guys. Reading all of your posts & stories everyday makes me feel not so alone in this battle so thank you!

[midlifemom]

Oh, Teresa, we do understand. I think we can all say "been there, done that".
You did the right thing by telling him how you feel. Docs cant effectively treat us if we dont tell them whats going on. And effective treatment has to include the emotional side. Does your support team know you need a little extra boost right now? Its hard to admit we have weaknesses and need others, but your support team has to know that.

You should not feel like you're giving up, no matter what your next step is. Taking a break could be just what you need.
Do you take anti anxiety or anti depressants? If not, consider that.

Right now, how about a nap? They are wonderfully healing as well.
Then come back as you need to. (((Hugs)))

[AbbyDoo]

Hi Teresa,
Well you made the half way point and can start counting down. I had to take a 2 week break after #6 and then had the Oxiplanian reduced each infusion there after.
I know its hard but you have to throw everything you got at this.
Maybe a two week break would be good. Spend a week resting up and then maybe a couple at the beach or in the mountains to collect your thought and prepare for round two.
Hang in there your doing good.

[NZJay]

Hang in there, Teresa.

I felt every second of every day on chemo was hell on earth, and from two weeks in I constantly threatened to quit treatment, so I can absolutely relate to what you're going through.

I can't say anything to make you feel physically better, but these are the things I used to help me get through it:

-I constantly reminded myself that I was taking this poison to increase my chances of being there for my daughter.
-I tried to remind myself that it would all be a memory at some point, that the suffering would not last forever.
-I bought a puppy both for company, distraction and to force myself to leave the house every day for a walk.
-I exercised every time I felt physically able.
-Any time I was able to eat, I binged on anything I was craving / anything I could stomach.
-I tried to focus on the beautiful, simple things in the world to distract myself.
-I rewatched countless old favourite movies and tv shows.
-I started collecting things, and spent hours online hunting for silly bargains.
-I attended Cognitive Behavioural Therapy to have someone neutral to spill my mind to, and to help give me the psychological tools to keep battling.
-I told myself if I completed treatment to the best of my ability and it still came back to kill me, at least I'd know I did literally everything I could to beat that monster.

Do not feel weak or defeated for taking a break, but please do follow your heart's intuition and make yourself continue with as much treatment as you possibly can. This will all be a memory soon, and you will be so proud of yourself for persevering through a torment most people cannot imagine - by the way, you already should be proud of yourself!

[teresajj1]

Thank you Jay, Midlifemom, & Abby. You guys made me cry, but in a good way. It's so nice to hear from people who know what I'm going through & really understand. Your words of support & encouragement mean so much. Thank you!

[spinnz]

I had a meltdown in the infusion chair after round 3. My blood work was off and I had to have some sort of medical test daily. I had to take a 3 week break due to my liver enzymes, but then switched to Xeloda. It's so much more tolerable! If your onc says ok, switch. It's the same drug, but the side effects are different. I totally get what you are going through, I was there last December and it stinks! There is light at the end of the tunnel, however. You are half way through. Keep pushing, you can make it. Hugs

[mike1965]

Teresajj1,

I totally understand what you are going thru. I am about to start my 8th treatment on Monday. The hardest part for me has been the mental part. When ever I start to get down and angry. I just take a deep breathe and remember my wife and kids. I want to live to grow old with my family. I have to remind myself that I am doing this to get rid of this evil cancer. Chemo sucks and is very hard. I try to take one day at a time and each day I am closer to finishing my this chemo and being NED. I pray that all goes well for you.

[rp1954]

Some people have recovered their chemo plan through aggressive nutrition improvements, usually with supplements, juicing, and/or IV vitamin C. Their physical condition, chemo side effects and bloodwork noticeably improved. In our experience, oral chemo performance improved, as reflected in several markers.

[BeansMama]

Theresa,

Don't beat yourself up. I have been there - I started crying in front of my onc just last week. When I found out round 12 wasn't actually the end of chemo for me and I wouldn't get a break.

I know how you feel, I think I have had everything that could possibly go wrong happen to me. Like Jay said, find something to concentrate on that makes it worth it.

For me it is my daughter. I refuse to give up as much as I want to sometimes because I want to see her grow up. I want to meet any possible grandchildren I may have. I want to see her graduate, get married.

My dogs help a lot, they provide comfort when I feel like crap (which seems like every day). I'm actually sitting in my recliner with two of them right now.

I'm tired of being sick and in pain almost every day. I'm tired of numb hands and feet, a sore mouth, and all the pain meds I am on. But I keep going, I have to keep telling myself it won't be forever (at least I hope it won't be).

The strength to keep going is in there - your heart is telling you it is. You will find it, you can do this. You have everyone here to help lift you up when you are having a rough time. I will keep you in my thoughts and send strength your way. Please feel free to pm me if you need an ear.

[zx10guy]

Teresa,

Wanted to also chime in that I've been where you are. There were times if I had to drive myself to the infusion clinic, I might not have made it there. It was a real struggle to the point just smelling the characteristic smell of the clinic made me really nauseous. I couldn't wait for the nurses to start the pre-meds and for Ativan to be pumped into me. I wanted to be totally unconscious while I was there.

So you're definitely not alone.

If it makes you feel any better, there is/was a clinical trial where the medical establishment is trying to determine if 6 rounds of FOLFOX is as effective as 12 rounds. The thinking is if 6 rounds shows similar success rates as 12 then that would be the new protocol. The net is less toxic chemicals being pumped into your body and a decrease in the cumulative side effects.

Hang in there. No one can fully understand how it is to be you in this situation. Even those of us who are going through it or have been through it.

[nomoretacos]

You're not alone, chemo is rough both mentally and physically, you can only do your best. I've gone through 6 rounds as well and feel pretty beat up and exhausted. Went in to do my 7th but my neurophils were only 0.8 so I'm taking a involuntarily break for a few days to see if they come back up. As much as it sucks and I feel like giving up, i want to give myself the very best chance even if it's a minuscule difference, so I will power through all 12 no matter what it takes but at the same time I will complain about it as much as I want. Everyone's approach is different and there is no right or wrong, do what you feel is best for yourself with no regrets. All the best.

[Nik Colon]

I think most of us get it. It's not easy. I would say to look at it as a can or cant, not a maybe. If you absolutely cant, dont, if it's just a don't want to, think about it.
Best wishes

[michelle c]

It's hard! Very hard! I did not tolerate chemo well at all. I was constantly anxious and had awful side affects. I was a mess, if I'm honest. After my first treatment, I wondered how I would even get through them. However, I was determined to do them all and felt that that's what I needed to do. I didn't want any delays because that would only prolong it for me, and I wanted it over. After my 6th treatment, I knew I was on the downward ride. Then it was 5 to go, 4,3,2,1. I think that if I stopped, it would have only heightened my anxiety. For me, it was my only option and I had to keep going. You do what's right for you, only you know how you feel. Best wishes to you.

[mmblz]

If it makes you feel any better, there is/was a clinical trial where the medical establishment is trying to determine if 6 rounds of FOLFOX is as effective as 12 rounds. The thinking is if 6 rounds shows similar success rates as 12 then that would be the new protocol. The net is less toxic chemicals being pumped into your body and a decrease in the cumulative side effects.

Hang in there. No one can fully understand how it is to be you in this situation. Even those of us who are going through it or have been through it.

I did all 12 but dropped oxaliplatin after 8 per recommendation of MSKCC oncologist...

My wife made a chart of all 156 days (11 x 14 + 2). Infusion days were circled in red. Then we crossed out each day. Some days this helped. Other days it felt like I would never reach the end. I started to get anxious about two days before each infusion. Really I was lucky as far as side effects but I still dreaded it.

[fumaros]

It's miserable, and it sucks. Plan a vacation for right after treatment. Give yourself a reward or something to look forward to. I am sitting in bed right now with my port accessed and that 5-FU pump whining away. Do what ever you need to do to get through this. Lots of Netflix, anti-anxiety meds as needed. No one can judge you for whatever you chose to help you cope with this.
Stay strong, this is a marathon, it is all about taking each day one step at a time.
All the best, my prayers and best positive thoughts for strength are with you and everyone on here.