triordie1994 wrote:for all that I have done in taking care of myself I feel that I cannot trust my body anymore which is really disappointing. feels like a best friend betraying you.
Yes - that's EXACTLY how I feel.
I've never smoked, have been active and fit my entire adult life, drank socially but nothing over-the-top (I mean, we've all had the 'one too many' experiences in our 20's, but it wasn't a regular thing for me as I hate being hung over), ate a mostly healthy diet. No family history of CR cancer, although my mom had, and died from, non-Hodgkin's lymphoma in her 70's. That was the only cancer in our family.
So here I was at 41 with a rectal tumor the size of a satsuma.
What do I do now? Whatever the hell I want. I still exercise, but not as vigorously as I used to because 1. temporary ileostomy (I don't want a hernia, plus I'm still recuperating internally from the surgery and will until the time of my reversal, according to my surgeon), and 2. I don't want to over-tax my body/muscles and force them to repair themselves when I need that energy to be put into repairing tissues/cells damaged by chemo.
I find when I'm feeling well and like myself (a few days after coming off the pump), I eat healthier. When I'm feeling crappy, I tend to want 'junk' or fast food. I don't eat veggies every day, but I do like my fruit. I also like sweets (cookies, chocolate, ice cream) and I'll eat them when I want and without guilt. I think part of my problem pre-Dx was stress - either from work or from beating myself up for not eating a 'perfect diet', not working out hard enough, stupid shit like that. My goal now is to get through the next 9 chemo cycles as unscathed as possible and be kind to myself. No more negative self-talk, no more "should I eat this? Will it kill me?"
It sucks, but none of us knows what caused this damn thing. Like everyone else, I know people with awful eating habits and sedentary lifestyles, yet they have no health issues. So yeah, pass the cookies, the whole milk, the French fries. I'll have some wine too, damn it. Trying to make my life as enjoyable and as stress-free as possible.
42 yr. old female
Rectal cancer Stage 3C T3 N1 M0 - Sept 2015
28 rounds radiation w/Xeloda - Nov - Dec 2015
2/17/16 - Surgery to remove rectal tumor, lymph nodes (2/20+), ovaries & fallopian tubes, temp. ileostomy
3/28/16 - 9/26/16 -12 rounds FOLFOX w/full oxi
Ileo reversal 10/27/16; Port removed 12/1/16
Lung mets confirmed 2/6/17
March-May 2017 - brain mets; brain rad. 5/9-5/29/17