Stupid things ppl tell you...

[edinaman]

Fortunately, no one ever said anything really stupid to me about my cancer. However, isn't there always a however? One day at the health club, a guy I know not well, was telling me how they were going to visit his brother in law who was in hospice with cancer. I've learned not to ask what kind. Then he proceeded to tell me his brother in law is stage 4, but anything other than stage 1 is a death sentence. I didn't want to get into it that I had gone through chemo with stage 3, and I think I just walked away. Another guy told me how he planned on working until he was 70, unless, of course, he got cancer and then it would be all over. My wife did have a few interesting encounters. When I was diagnosed, she ran into a friend and was telling her about my cancer diagnosis. The friend responded with how she knew how hard this was, her husband had a prostate infection. When my wife went in to be induced for the birth of our first, one of the nurses came in and asked her if a student nurse could observe. My wife is a very private person, plus the doctor told her there was a good chance it would be a c-section. My wife explained that since this was our first and there was the chance of complications, she would prefer not to have an observer. Well, it turned out to be an emergency c-section, but all went well. A few days later that nurse came in to bring something to my wife. She asked how things turned out. My wife told her it was emergency c-section. The nurse replied, "see, that's what you get for not letting someone observe!". My wife's best friend's father was chief of staff at that hospital, and he heard about it. Our next child was born in a different hospital.

[hannahw]

If I got frustrated every time anyone said something stupid about my Dad's cancer, I'd spend most of my time frustrated. And honestly, if I held myself to the same standard, I'd have to be frustrated with myself too because I've definitely heard some stupid things come out of my own mouth when talking to other people about their cancer (or the cancer of their loved one). One of the things I've learned from my own stupid comments is that they're a lot easier to make than I had realized and they're generally made with the best of intentions. I intend to be supportive and sometimes I miss the mark. And it can be a tough mark to hit. Some people choose to say nothing because they're afraid to say the wrong thing but saying nothing generally isn't well received either.

If someone makes you feel bad with their comment, why make them feel bad in return? What is accomplished by calling someone out? Perhaps there is an opportunity to help educate someone who doesn't realize how hurtful their comment is, but it doesn't seem like the aim is to help people in that situation, it's more to take them to task. If someone is making a deliberately douchey comment, that's one thing, but I don't believe that's the case with most people. Most people want to connect and be supportive, but maybe they don't have experiences to make that connection. And even if they do, maybe it comes out wrong. How else can I explain my own stupid comments? I can't blame lack of experience. Maybe I'm nervous, maybe I'm just stupid, but I know my intent is genuine. Fortunately, I think people who have encountered my stupid comments have taken my words as they were intended rather than as they were delivered. I appreciate getting the benefit of the doubt.

[tahiti]

I'm not sure I've had some outright "stupid" things said to me. I generally find ignoring me without a simple "how are you" to be far more egregious (and that has happened a lot). I'm learned A LOT about people in my life during my 9 month journey. Some amazing, some incredibly disappointing.

I have heard on more than one occasion "this is the cancer to get" and I didn't bother me - I know people are just trying to be positive. I've also gotten "you don't look sick", which, again, I took to be a way to comfort me (and truth be told, I never looked sick).

I guess the one thing that bothered me the most, and it just shows a lack of awareness, are people saying "You have cancer? What kind? BREAST???" as if that's the only cancer women my age get. And, I'm not taking away from the breast cancer movement, but they've got such a machine behind it that, while more awareness has been brought to it, it kind of leaves other cancers by the wayside (I know that isn't coming out right, but I think all of you can relate to what I'm saying).

====================
DX - 7/19/12 CC age 44
Stage 2B
Colectomy 8/6/12 - age 45
Started 12 rounds FOLFOX 10/1/2012
Completed 3/13/13
CAT 4/15/13 - NED

[Patience]

Statement that makes me see red: "The doctors and drug companies won't tell you the cure, they hide the cure because there is too much money in treating the illness". In other words, your husband is doomed because "they" are making so much money off his illness, they'd rather he die if it puts $$ in their pocket. I cannot think of another disease where there is so much suspicion about the medical profession's motives.

[Joy]

I guess the one thing that bothered me the most, and it just shows a lack of awareness, are people saying "You have cancer? What kind? BREAST???" as if that's the only cancer women my age get. And, I'm not taking away from the breast cancer movement, but they've got such a machine behind it that, while more awareness has been brought to it, it kind of leaves other cancers by the wayside (I know that isn't coming out right, but I think all of you can relate to what I'm say

I've told this story before but here it goes again....

I was sitting in a very crowded room waiting to be called in for radiation. A very loud and obnoxious woman across the other side of the room said in a "stage" whisper as she pointed
at me..... BREAST? I couldn't resist I said no...... ASS.

I know it wasn't nice....but I couldn't resist.

[tahiti]

I guess the one thing that bothered me the most, and it just shows a lack of awareness, are people saying "You have cancer? What kind? BREAST???" as if that's the only cancer women my age get. And, I'm not taking away from the breast cancer movement, but they've got such a machine behind it that, while more awareness has been brought to it, it kind of leaves other cancers by the wayside (I know that isn't coming out right, but I think all of you can relate to what I'm say

I've told this story before but here it goes again....

I was sitting in a very crowded room waiting to be called in for radiation. A very loud and obnoxious woman across the other side of the room said in a "stage" whisper as she pointed
at me..... BREAST? I couldn't resist I said no...... ASS.

I know it wasn't nice....but I couldn't resist.

You made me roar with laughter, thank you! CLASSIC!!!

[Patience]

I guess the one thing that bothered me the most, and it just shows a lack of awareness, are people saying "You have cancer? What kind? BREAST???" as if that's the only cancer women my age get. And, I'm not taking away from the breast cancer movement, but they've got such a machine behind it that, while more awareness has been brought to it, it kind of leaves other cancers by the wayside (I know that isn't coming out right, but I think all of you can relate to what I'm saying).

Similar to the promotion of the link between lung cancer and smoking. My husband, a life-long NON-smoker, has lung cancer. The first question always seems to be "oh are you a smoker", as if everyone who gets lung cancer has brought it on themselves with unhealthful habit. [Sorry to digress...]

[kiwiinoz]

Sir, how would you like your steak done?
Blended thanks

What a hoot, I can't understand the reasoning for blending all your meals and there could be nothing more unappetising.

[Ashlee H.]

It happened again at work today....people stating they goofed up or didn't get something done in time because someone they know (family, best friend, etc.) had been DX with cancer. Really???? My cancer is making someone unable to be responsible? it would not be professional for me to jump in and tell them my DX and how I feel about their "excuse". One day I may come up with a good response.
Also hate it when friends go on and on (especially ones who know about my DX) how they had cancer too - had a basal cell cancer removed. Living in Calif., I know very few people who haven't had a basal cell cancer removed.
Ran into someone I used to work with. Her husband had a stroke quite a few years ago. She then tells me he also had colon cancer and acted like he was on his death bed. I asked if he had chemo and/or radiation - nope, they got it all. Sounds like he probably had a pre-cancerous polyp removed.

[nomadicnerd]

I was overwhelmed by the well-intended opinions offered by friends and family when they learned about my cancer. Holistic approaches, intense prayer, aggressive surgeries, do nothing... I mentioned to my oncologist during my first visit all the unsolicited advice I was subjected to, and I asked his professional opinion about the best way to begin a regimen of wasabi enemas. He was a bit startled by the suggestion, but then he deadpanned that the most important thing was to include fresh, thinly-sliced ginger.

I don't think I've been offended by anything that's been said to me about the disease. Right after my diagnosis and surgery, friends dragged my wife to a New Years party for a much-needed steam blow while I recovered. While at the party, my colleagues joked about my appliance and how they should have known my backside was rotting based on the smells that erupted from it. An acquaintance scolded them mercilessly for their insensitivity and lack of compassion - until my wife laughingly reassured the acquaintance that I wouldn't have had it any other way. My approach certainly isn't for everyone, but humor is my shield.

I have disagreed vehemently with healthy people judging the course of action taken by cancer patients. Just today my boss ridiculed Angelina Jolie's decision to have a prophylactic double mastectomy, saying she'd been duped by the medical industry and would now be a shill for unnecessary procedures. Citing my own prophylactic procedure (full colectomy) three months from now, I emphasized the deeply personal and difficult choices we make to improve our odds by a few percent. He was having none of it, and I pray he never has to make that decision.

[ranger]

here's my cartoon of "my friend died of the same thing." it's called THANKS FOR THAT!
http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/201 ... -that.html

this one is the person from work who doesn't know me but asks, "how ARE you?" meaning, well you know:
http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/201 ... tated.html

and my favorite, "we all die of something, you could be hit by a bus!"
http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/201 ... -lame.html

here's for the crowd who think you'll be cured by eating broccoli:
http://cancerissofunny.blogspot.com/201 ... ut-it.html

I felt better after I drew these. I even felt better about the people who say stupid things.
yrs
AMY

[PersephoneInLA]

Oh my favorite comes from my brother and sister in law also referred to as the turds.

"Why aren't you better and over this yet? All the people we know who have cancer were cured within a year. Must be because the American healthcare system is all about profit. You'd be cured if you were in the UK."

or

"I'm on the verge of a full mental breakdown because work is so stressful and building our new house is getting to me" (this is written and said during every email and call from them, which averages once every 2-3 months (such caring)

Yes, American healthcare is about profit but had we been in the UK, my husband would not have received Avastin which has been working for almost 2 years. He's also being treated at one of the top 10 cancer centers in the country. He also would not have received a colonoscopy 5 days after his bloodwork showed up with problems and he would not have started chemo and radiation a week after diagnosis but who am I to argue with these idiots (insert sarcasm) Needless to say, I'm glad that they live 5,000 miles away and that I never have to see or speak to them.

Another favorite of mine was one so called friend, who deleted us out of his life, after he found out that the hubby had started chemo and didn't opt for that snake oil BS called the Gerson Therapy. Because you know coffee enemas, removing all of your fillings and a juice only diet is really going to cure stage 4b.

[hannahw]

Amongst my favorite stupid comments are the ones that start with "why aren't you..." It gives off this feeling of "if only you were handling your disease the 'right' way you'd be cured, or at least doing better, or perhaps more importantly, not inconveniencing the people around you so much. You're basically a reminder of how scary life can be when you're dealing with disease and people don't like to be shaken out of their safe bubble.

As jerky as I find these comments, I do think people make them as a means of facilitating their own coping. Yes, they could put some effort into your coping and actually be supportive, but I think for some people, when they see someone else with disease, they think a lot about what it would mean if they had the disease and they want to feel like there is a way they could control it if it happened to them. Only those who actually have the disease really understand how little control you really have, how you can do all the 'right' things and still get the wrong results.

[katsheba]

Amongst my favorite stupid comments are the ones that start with "why aren't you..." It gives off this feeling of "if only you were handling your disease the 'right' way you'd be cured, or at least doing better, or perhaps more importantly, not inconveniencing the people around you so much. You're basically a reminder of how scary life can be when you're dealing with disease and people don't like to be shaken out of their safe bubble.

As jerky as I find these comments, I do think people make them as a means of facilitating their own coping. Yes, they could put some effort into your coping and actually be supportive, but I think for some people, when they see someone else with disease, they think a lot about what it would mean if they had the disease and they want to feel like there is a way they could control it if it happened to them. Only those who actually have the disease really understand how little control you really have, how you can do all the 'right' things and still get the wrong results.

I think this is spot on. Deep down it is about fear. It is scary and unsettling to be reminded that bad things happen that we cannot control. Everyone wants me to explain to them the plan that will 100% ensure that I will be cured. When I first found out, I did the same thing, my mind spent a lot of time looking for the loop hole, the out, the way that I could just say, "Oh no, big mistake, I'm not going to go through with this!" Of course, since then I've had to face up to and deal with my situation. I find that ultimately accepting the situation for what it is (uncertain) leaves me feeling the most peace. But that's on to a different topic.