One thing after another...

[jmarie]

Yesterday before starting chemo, my Onc drew new bloodwork and ordered a chest Xray. I was surprised about the bloodwork because I had bloodwork on Monday that showed everything was fine. I am not sure what made him want to double check, but glad he did. My WBC is down to 2.4 I believe, down from 4.5. It was a little low Monday but doable, so because the sudden dip he held 5FU. We did do Oxaliplatin because he didn't think I could afford missing an entire chemo, especially after taking an extra week off. The Xray was because my cold last week moved into my chest and my hacking and wheezing turned into a productive cough. The last two days the cough has been awful, last night was miserable and painful. The first time in a very long time that I requested dilaudid around the clock for 18hrs. I guess I wasn't too surprised that the chest xray showed mild pneumonia. Since my dx I have been terrified of getting pneumonia. I was convinced if I got pneumonia it would snowball into my deathbed. So now I am terrified, this constant coughing and feeling like I am drowning just feeds the paranoia. We went ahead and did Avastin and tomorrow we will do Neulasta. I am dreading Nuelasta because it causes such awful bone pain.

Since Lilli was at my SIL's and I just wanted to rest, I insisted my hubby go to his softball game. I have hardly coughed at all since getting home from the clinic, I thought maybe the steroids was helping my lungs. He made me dinner and I practically pushed him out the door. Then I start to eat chicken and mashed potatoes, farely plain and simple. After 4 or 5 bites I couldn't stop coughing long enough to eat, I really felt like I was drowning. And here I forced my hubby to go to his softball game so I am home alone, really stupid of me. Than the coughing made me start gagging and that leads to throwing up. Wonderful I survived, and hubby is home now so I am not alone if I start drowning again.

My night just keeps going downhill. I am watching TV, feeling sorry for myself, noticing how quiet it is without my babygirl. So I call my SIL and ask her to put her on skype so I can see her. Poor girl was so confused at first, she started opening doors looking for me. So I move the web cam around so she sees that I am at home. She gets excited but soon realizes she can't be with me and gets upset even more . So I felt about 2 inches tall.

When my hubby came home I was upset about my coughing spell, not eating, general paranoia and anxiety. Upset because I miss my daughter. Had he not went to the game(that I talked him into ) he could have went and picked her up tonight. He comes home all bummed out because they lost the game and this is all he can talk about. I listened for a while and then I tried to tell him about the skype incident with baby girl and he keeps changing the subject back to the stupid softball game. When I voice my annoyance about the subject changing he decided to go wash dishes. GRRRRRRRRR. I know I talked him into going but why does he have to keep bringing it up when I am so upset about more important matters?

So annoyed, sorry I needed to vent a little there. I know I have an awesome hubby and that he is an awesome Daddy, but we still have our bad days occasionaly. He worked 10hrs, made me dinner, washed my dishes and a load of clothes, I know how lucky I am to have him. Now it is time for me to go drug up and try to catch some zzzzzzz's before I cause anymore problems with my poor hubby

[Bill5107]

I don't have much helpful to say other than I hear ya.

Hopefully tomorrow will feel like a new (better) day.

[adina91]

Oh Jess! I am so sorry! I know what you mean about the pneumonia but you will be fine. That feeling of coughing and drowning must be horrible and I can totally see where the Skype thing would be confusing. Julian would do the same thing I am sure!

Also, God I HATE when hubby comes home and starts complaining about some inane thing that makes no difference and I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. I am sure he meant nothing by it, but I commiserate with you about how irritating it can be. I hope you sleep well and feel better tomorrow!

((((HUGS)))))

[hopeful]

Oh Jess, sometimes when one thing goes wrong, like the pneumonia, it makes everything else seem to go wrong. It must be a terrible feeling, not being able to breathe right. I guess the coughing is good because it brings up the congestion, but not very good for sleeping. I hope the meds start helping by morning and that you are able to get some sleep tonight. Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and saying a prayer for you tonight.

[jmarie]

Thanks guys, I think the meds have all kicked in well enough to attempt sleep. Thanks for commiserating with me and not judging me for being so harsh with my hubby, now I feel bad . Tonight I am blaming everything on the steroids

[Deirdre]

Jess
So sorry to hear about the last tough few days for you. You should not feel bad about any reactions you had, you are so strong & have always such a great appreciation of your family. Hope you wake to a much better day & the cough has eased.
Take care
D

[GreenLakeGirl]

So annoyed, sorry I needed to vent a little there. I know I have an awesome hubby and that he is an awesome Daddy, but we still have our bad days occasionaly.

So many marriages would do better if both partners reminded themselves that we all have bad days. Good for you to realize it.

The pred. definitely helps my lungs. You know, if you're worried about your breathing, you could ask about an inhaler while you're dealing with the pneumonia. It might be worth it just for the peace of mind...

Thinking of you often, and ugh on the Skype problems.

[chrissyl]

Don't feel bad Jess Sometimes life just gets on top of us !!! I think we have a reason to crumble sometimes...You are one strong mummy I hope that nasty chest infection clears up quick smart so you can be back to your bubbly self... I have been looking at the photo's that keep popping up on facebook and with such a beautiful baby girl like lilli you def have a reason to smile Hope you get better soon I am always thinking bout you!!!

[so-scared]

I pray that today is a better day for you!!! I have had pneumonia twice although not along with cancer. Anyway, it sucks! Make sure you get plenty of rest to help your body to recover from this. Inhalers did help me when I had it so might not be a bad idea to ask about it. It also might help to sleep in a recliner so you are more upright. It is also important to keep moving versus laying around to much. I hope you kick this quick!

So-s

[Kathleen808]

Hi Jess,
I hope you had a good sleep. Go easier on yourself in regard to your husband. Sometimes spouses just aren't on the same track. Yes, blame it on the steroids. I hope your breathing easier today Jess. I am saying a prayer for you.

Aloha,
Kathleen

[clarabelle64]

Dear Jessica
sorry you are feeling so poorly.....hope you have had a good restful sleep and that you feel better today. As always Jessica, I pray for you and your family.....
((Hugs))
Clarabelle

[SkiFletch]

Ugh, hope you're feeling better Jess

[Phuong]

Aw Jess, hope you had a better day today. Don't be so hard on yourself - everything kinda just piled up and like you said, we ALL have bad days. Sending you hugs.

[Ron50]

Over the years of survival I have altered my perspective. A good day for me is when nothing REALLY bad happens Ron.

[beth568]

I hope you got some rest. A terrible cough like that is awful; I've had them in the past and broken ribs from coughing. I can't even imagine tolerating that on top of chemo.

I think you deserve a pass on feeling editable with all that going on. I bet if you talk to your husband about it today, you'll both feel better. And you can get your sweet baby back for some hugs, which are really the best comfort there is.

Be well. I hope you'll get some relief from the pneumonia soon!