FYI Widow's Post: I feel so lost....

[wamo]

Paul has been gone 10 weeks tomorrow.....

- I keep getting up each day putting one foot in front of the other because I am a mom to our two boys and I will do my absolute best to raise them well
- Am in still in shock that he is really gone because I am carrying on better than I expected or if it is all going to hit me one day and I am going to fall apart
- I worry about the future and dating (which I've never done because I was with Paul since 15 years old) and have no idea how to act, be, or what the rules are
- I don't even want a new relationship but I am so very lonely but truly when I look at it I am really only lonely for Paul as I am still in love with him
- When is it going to get better?? When am I going to want to gather with my (our) previous couple friends, church friends, etc.
- All these widower forums tell you no matter what you do it is the right thing because it is the way YOU are greiving, but I know my friends are growing impatient with my lack of being in their lives or wanting to go "do stuff" outings
- I really have no interest in their lives right now, I can only handle getting through the day and focusing on my boys needs, financial needs and house needs which all over whelm me.
- Everything is on me.... 24/7 it is exhausting.
- I am not angry with God but asking why.... what could possibly be in store in the future to bring good?

Okay I am lacking sleep and having a down night, plus I am drinking a couple beers which is not the norm for me. Thanks for listening. And yes I know support groups and counseling will help. I just don't want to yet. I don't want to be a widower in a group and I don't want to sit and cry infront of someone right now.
Again, thanks....
wamo

[sharonr]

Wendy as Brady gets so close to his end, we are starting hospice tomorrow, I don't exactly know how you feel but I do have some understanding. Relationship after having Brady, no one could ever match up. He is and will always be the love of my life. Being lonely, I know that is to be expected and I am not looking forward to that. What I do know is that God is there to help me through it. I have great friends who will be there but also understand when I say I just want to be alone. I have a job that I feel that I have been ignoring and will jump back into. If God was to give me many years with Brady I would so love that as I know you would have with Paul, but we take what God gives us and we will make the best of it. Again, I have not lost my precious Brady yet, but time is coming soon so I hope my feelings can help you know you are not alone

[Terry]

I'm so sorry for you wamo. This is what really sucks about the cancer to me, how it effects not only me, but my family!

10 weeks, don't rush yourself. One of my very dear friends lost her husband in early December. He was 46 and had a heart attack. That's been over 5 months and she's having bad days, weeks. Give yourself a break. You will grieve for awhile, probably the first year because it will be the first everything. First Memorial Day, 4th of July, Christmas, anniversary. My friend Judy and her husband always cleaned the yard up together this time of year and she called me crying last week because she had a bad day. As far as your friends go, don't isolate yourself to much. You will and should be grieving but you have to have contact with people. Do you have a mom, sister or someone really close that you can just go to lunch with or take a class of some sort with?

Don't worry about dating right now, that WILL and should come some day, your young. I already told my husband if I don't live real long I don't expect him to stay single. When the right person comes along, you'll know and you'll feel it.

I feel so bad for you, I hope you have a better tomorrow. I'm praying for you.

[Gaelen]

Wendy...you're not lost. You're right here...with people who get it, and people who care.

It may be the wrong time for a support group, but please, kiddo, it's never the wrong time for one-on-one grief counseling. And although you may not feel ready to 'cry in front of someone,' I promise that you'll be ready long before you feel ready...especially if it's one-on-one with a professional counselor.

For the record, I fought counseling, too--even though I needed it. And it took awhile to build the relationship which enabled me to grieve and move forward. But had I not been hooked up with an individual counselor who understood how critical it was to reach out and build that relationship, and gave me the time to get to the place where I could relax enough to let my guard down, then when things reached critical mass I wouldn't have had the professional support I truly needed.

I think you've got my number; if you need it again, PM me.
You can call any time you need to put that feeling of isolation aside.

And Sharon, you and Brady are always in my strongest thoughts.

[James65]

Wendy,
I am so sorry. People tend to want to brush aside the feelings of people experiencing extraordinary loss saying that time will heal, but I don't know if that is absolutely true. After I finished treatment I met a woman who's 11 year old daughter had died the previous summer of leukemia. To say the least, her grief was profound and she was struggling with everything she had to find some sense of solace, to find some peace so that she did not wake up everyday feeling this terrible loss so deeply and painfully. She cried with me as she described how she felt incapable of being a good mother to her other two children and throughout I felt as if I were in the midst of the truest pain I had ever seen.

Like you, she wanted to be on her own and to not have to engage in some group dynamic. She just felt as if she needed loneliness for awhile in order to not only fully experience her grief, but to what almost seemed like the desire to honor her daughter with her profound grief, as if seeking out groups and therapy and all of those things would alleviate her grief, but remove some little bit of her daughter from her. She would have to in a very real way say that she was moving on, which I think felt the same as moving away, as leaving, and she wasn't at all ready to do that. Her grief and profound sadness and pain were what she had left of her daughter, which is the deep love for her child expressed through her pain. She needed to fully experience her loneliness and grief in order to remain near her child and efforts to seek healing seemed as if they felt like leaving.

I'm not sure if this makes any sense, but I think that it is important to experience grieving and loss rather than fight to move on and away because it is what will help us heal in a way that ensures no matter what the rest of our lives may hold, there is still a very secure place within us for the person we have loved and lost.

Best,
James

[gofisch]

Wendy, I wish i could reach through this computer and hug you. And do your laundry and make dinner for your kids.

If your friends want to see you, I imagine they are grieving too. And helpless. Let them help you. Let them take your boys, help with the house, the yard...

Take all the time you need. Grieve Grieve Grieve. It's a process. Take as long as you need.

And we're here for you. You come here any time you want and cry in front of us. You are always a part of our community and we love you.

[NWgirl]

James - that was beautiufully said. Wendy and Sharon - my heart goes out to you both. You have already gotten some great advice, I certainly can't add to what people have already said. One day at a time. It's all any of us can do.

[AngelaW]

I am so sorry that you are hurting. I have another friend that lost her husband to colon cancer last August, and she has told me some of the same things that you wrote. They had been together since their teens. Things will eventually get better, but it takes a lot of time. Surround yourself with friends and family. And do something for YOU, whether it be a spa treatment, a quiet bubblebath at home with a good book, etc. You have been through a difficult journey.

I still have you in my prayers and I know all of us care about YOU!

[KellyBelle]

Wendy,

I'm so sorry you're feeling lost, and I wish I could tell you everything will be back to "normal" but you have to find your new normal. I was widowed at a very young age when my son was eight months old. That was hard, but now it seems like an entire lifetime ago. Of course, we didn't have time to form the kind of history and bond you and Paul had. I walked around in a dazed and confused state of shock for at least a year, maybe more (I only have fuzzy memories of that time).

I didn't date, I isolated myself from my friends, and didn't seek any help for over five years after my husband's death. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing for my son by always being there for him... looking back, that didn't help either of us because when I did eventually start dating it was a huge problem for my son (who was used to having me all to himself). I also faced huge social hurdles after isolating myself for so long (I did go to work every day and kept putting one foot in front of the other, just like you).

There is no magic "right" time. After 10 weeks, this is still fresh and you're probably still in the initial grieving stage --be prepared for this to take a while; I believe that timeline is different for everybody. In a way, you're a cancer survivor too and you've seen the posts here about friends and family expecting us to be back to normal after our treatment ends; well, it's a little more complicated than that. Your friends will be there for you when you're ready --don't push yourself. I eventually forced myself into a single's Sunday school class, which was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but I still have strong bonds with the people I met in that class. You'll know when you're ready; that's about the best advice I can offer.

Kelly

[MattFoley]

Wamo, I am so sorry for you loss. I can't say that I know what you are going through. But, if this damn disease takes me I could only hope to have a mate that feels the way that you do about your love lost.

I watched my fathers sorrow when we lost my mom at the age of 51. Luckily the kids were grown and out of the house. But it is never easy. I know his house felt very empty.

I know its early. I can't imagine that you would be over the sorrow in 10 weeks. But, I would suggest that you do see a counselor about your grief and the potential of depression. I am one who battled some depression prior to my diagnosis. Sometimes I think its ok to be depressed when you have a reason, but I'm sure thats not healthy. I also was one to self-medicate with a few (i.e. several) beers. I never sought medication for my depression and, personally, feel that should be a last resort. But I did seek professional counselling. I was educated and was better able to deal with depression. Consider it.

Keep you chin up.

[grammyto4]

Wendy

I am so sorry. I certainly have never been through what you are going through, so by no means could I offer you any advice.

Just know that you are a very valued member of our forum family, and we all care for you deeply. I wish I was close by, so I could just hold you and let you cry. Give yourself time, you are such a strong woman. Remember to let yourself be weak, if that is what you need.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Tina

[John603]

Wendy,

I have never been in your position, so I find it hard to offer advice, but I feel like I may be in the position that Paul was in a year or two ago. My wife and I started dating in high school and have been married for over twenty years. We have already had the conversation about what happens if something happens to me. I want her and the kids to continue to go on living. They can mourn for a while, but then they need to move on with their lives and be the best people that they can be.
Please don't try and find refuge in a bottle. Too many have found that is not the answer. Professional counseling is certainly a good option. Or even a good friend can help. Don't hesitate to cry. I broke down last year in front of my boss and this year in front of one of our HR staff when I found out I had recurrences. And I'm a tough-as-nails guy. There's a great big wonderful world out there and I'm sure Paul would want you to enjoy it.

[ktpartner]

Hi Wendy: I know this is totally obvious, but you have been through so very much. Your husband and children have been so lucky that you have been there every step of the way. After doing so much to cope in such horrible circumstances – I guess it is a whole new kind of challenge to shift gears into the new world of living without him. I really get why you are not in a place to want to do the counseling thing: counseling can seem like the last thing on my own personal to-do list, regardless of how totally awful things get. But, frankly, it is one of the few supports out there for caregivers who have to try to figure out how to keep going without their loved ones. And sometimes these grief counselors actually know what they are talking about and can be quite helpful. It is just really bugs me that someone who has gone through what you have gone through should have to try to figure all this out by themselves. Sorry for the advice giving (like as if my life as a caregiver is so perfect?!?!?) but i would just love to see you get all the support you deserve.

[Lifes2short]

Wendy and Sharon, my heart breaks for you both. I believe this disease is tougher on our loved ones than on us. I lost my father to cancer 18 months ago. My parents were married for 50 years. It's been so hard on my poor mom. And then she's dealing with my illness as well. It's all so sad. I have no words of wisdom, only heartfelt compassion. Life is indeed not fair.

[HDLadyRider]

Damn!!! This sucks, it sucks for you, for the kids, and for everyone who knows and loves you so much. I am not in your shoes Wendy, but, In the last 5 years I've lost two brothers, a dad and now my mom who the docs strongly suspect has cancer on top of my hubbies cancer. Where does it end, I don't know.

I started to write a bunch of babble and backspaced over all of it....I simply send you hugs....hugs....and hugssssssssss!

Janine