Why Me?

[seussfan]

Stupid question, but it is all I can ask myself lately. Why me? What did I do to deserve all of this? Now - I know logically and scientifically that the fact that I cursed my parents under my breath as a child (okay sometimes I do now, too) or when I was mean to a friend or when I stole clothes form my sisters closet...it wasn't suddenly decided by fate that I should be struck first with CRC then breast cancer. I just am so tired, can't sleep, can't turn my head off, and get seem to get past the idea that somehow somewhere I did something that led to all of this. (especially since there is no history of cancer of any kind anywhere in my family)

COmpared to what some people here have gone through I don't feel like I have a right to be having such a pity party for myself. I am tired of being happy when I am not. I am tired of acting strong and positive when I don't feel like I am. I am pissed. I hate cancer. I don't know why it keeps picking me. It is hurting my kids, affecting my husband....UGH!!!!!!! WHy me?

[CBR600319]

Hey, don't feel bad about... well, feeling bad. You of all people are entitled, and I wouldn't just say that for everyone on the board. You're young, have dealt with enough already and I think you've got every right to feel shi*ty, bad, nasty, upset etc. etc. whenever you feel like it.

You did nothing to deserve this, I don't have any other answers.. just that one.

[Polarprincess]

i hear you .. i ask myself that every day as well. there just are no answers for us.. life is so unfair. I was on facebook tonight and thinking of the almost 100 friends i have on there i am the only one dealing with this crap... i mean how do you get that unlucky? And the truth? Not that people i know really care about what i have had to deal with. They are just secretly glad it is not them. How come my grandmothers are in their 90s and healthy and all their children are still alive and healthy in their 50's and 60;s...all my aunts lived to their 90's and never had cancer... i also ask why me? I feel like i have already been through so much in my life...and now i am radiation damaged on top it and live in constant pain and will never have normal sex again... the only solace i have is thank god it is me and not my children...and i am thankful i wasn't younger. .that at least i have gotten in 42 years before having to deal with this. The good news is that most of the time i feel pretty good and don't have thoughts like this as i imagine you probably feel the same...but there are those days where we just have to vent and it is ok to ask why me???

[NWgirl]

We all have our "why me" days. I figure we put enough energy into being strong and logical; we all deserve a few why me days here and there. And sadly, there is no good answer. When I was first diagnosed I thought why not someone who hates their spouse - their job - their kids - their life! Why me - I have everything a person could hope for - I know it - I love it - I appreciate it!!! And I try to give back to others, I try to be a good person. Why not a pedophile or a career criminal? Why me - a mother with two young children who need me??? Why is all this being taken away? Seussfan - you have as big of a pity party as you want. You deserve it. There's plenty of time to be strong - later.

[justme123]

Wow, I am so sorry to hear about the breast cancer. Yes you have been strong and I know because I have read your story and have always been interested in your posts. Reading your caring bridge pages have often touched me. I remember one about you and your son and The Matrix and I could really relate to it. I'm sure there are many people like me who look up to you, and you never even knew we were watching.
I ask "why me?" all of the time. Just when I think its over, there's something else. I hate that everybody says that I have such a great attitude and that is why I'm doing so well...Attitude is half the battle etc...blah, blah, blah...I'm not doing well, I have cancer and I hate it. So there you are. I can't really give you a pep talk because I agree with you. But I will more than likely put on my happy face tomorrow to put everyone else at ease. And I will continue to try to figure out the bigger picture of WHY.
I care about you and how you are trying to cope with all of this. And I know you'll be back up again,its your nature.
Love,
Nancy

[wamo]

That's right let it out sister!!!!!!! It sucks, bites, pisses us off, and so many other verbs I could use. You didn't deserve this and your family didn't deserve this, it is not a punishment for ANYTHING you have done or didn't do. It just is. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this horrid beast.... I can't imagine what one must go through as the one with cancer. Whenever whenever whenever you need to vent we are here and the place to let it all out.... be scared, not happy and positive allllllll the time but be real and be you.

wamo

[Terry]

seussfan, you got a double wammy! I've been going between peed off, scared, sad, happy, back to sad and mad for the past two months. Just when I think I'm alright with this and I'm going to fight this I start to think this is going to kill me. I can't even IMAGINE what your feeling after dealing with one cancer and now another! It isn't fair, you should be mad. You didn't do anything to deserve this. I know a lot of people that don't have cancer that are in their 60's and 80's that are a lot meaner than I am. I'm not saying they deserve it either, I'm just saying we don't deserve it for just being human. Somehow we got ahold of some cr##py genes, drank out of plastic water bottles, ate the wrong foods, who knows what, there's so many possibilities. Have your pity party for the next week and then PULL yourself up and you CAN AND WILL do this again! Your a fighter. I'll be standing right next to you doing the same!

[Dori]

I'm so sorry this has happened. I echo the sentiment that you have every right to feel how you feel. I agree with Wendy that this just is, it's not something you or anyone deserves, especially not a good caring person who works hard to do things right (as you seem to be).

All the best,
Dori

[bdurant]

I don't even really know you; but, even though my husband is battling the same disease at age 63, I read the posts, see how young many on this group are, and that they have small children (which takes a lot of energy and time) and I ask God why). I also ask God why my husband when we have neighbors in their 90's who are still doing well. For every age who's fighting this battle, we constantly see others around us making plans, having fun; and here we are fighting for our lives, juggling our bills, and facing new challenges everyday. We must have cures and we must put an end to cancer. We must take it a day at a time and each day we must show the beast that it can't rob us of this day. We are going to keep fighting!!!! You and all are in my prayers. You don't deserve any of this.

[Leigh]

Dear Trish,
I hear you! I definitely had the "why me" days too. You are definitely entitled to them. I hate that I can never come up with an answer as to why this is happening/has happened. Someone gave me a button (actually one of my clients a 4 yr old with cancer (well his parents did)) and it says "cancer sucks". And I think that sums this whole situation up.

[gofisch]

I don't know why I bother to post after NWGirl. She always takes the words right out of my mouth. Or fingers.

You HAVE that pity party, woman! You deserve it. There are no answers. Well, there might be answers, but we may never know what they are. Honestly, that's how I deal with this. Maybe my daughter's daughter will cure cancer one day because I went through this. Or something.

It sucks, Trish. It just sucks. If I may quote Jeff again, it is a situation with an overwhelming amount of "sucknitude." It is horrible. It is awful. It is unfair.

I send you big keyboard hugs (((()))))

[wwroam]

You have your little party. You've earned it. I've rarely seen you be anything but upbeat. If the radioligist reports after my next CT scan that maybe I should see a Urologist, my prostate's really started to grow over the last twelve months, you'll hear me across the Pacific.

[garbovatwin]

Trish

Nothing you said or thought in your lifetime gave you cancer, so please try and kick those thoughts out of your head. Cancer does not come to one because they swore at a parent or punched someone in the nose who deserved it. Cancer starts out as a living thing, that turns into a creature, that turns into a beast. It is an out of control, indifferent thing hell bent on survival at its hosts expense.

The ONLY things in our lives we might reflect on that could of, should of, would of made a difference in getting cancer or not is what we have done in our lives. What we have eaten that may have spawned it. What we may have contracted from the environment we as a species seem hell bent on destroying. Did I smoke?

With the world we have created for ourselves, one does not need a family history of cancer. We are poisoning ourselves with everything around us, the food we eat, the air we breath, the water we drink, what we drink from, what we cook in.

Cancer is a beast and it sucks. It really sucks. It is like a reeling out of control drunk driver in a semi tractor trailer on a crowded expressway, changing or destroying the life of everything it touches.

It has not touched you twice because you are bad. It has touched you because of the world we've created for ourselves, as it has with most of us.

Now please start thinking happy thoughts and remember what teacher says. "ABOVE THOSE DARK CLOUDS THE SUN IS ALWAYS SHINING."

Stronger luv vibes on the way.

jamiana

[Joanne 814]

Trish,

it truly sucks. And you have come to the right place to vent about it. It is NOT fair at all. Why should you have to do this again, and violate another part of your body??? It hurts you, your kids, your husband, your families and friends, so why why why does this happen??

All I can say is I am here for you, please feel free to email me if needed. My thoughts and prayers are with you, and I am thinking of you often. I wish I could make this go away for you.

I am so sorry.

Joanne

[MadamJoJo]

Dear Trish, You've had plenty of excellent advice already.
There is no easy way out of this spiral. I would only say that it is vital to try and get some rest at night. Easier said than done when your head is constantly spinning. But the cycle must be stopped for you to regain your balance. Can you get away with the family - somewhere you don't feel caged in or locked in by your thoughts? Are you able to excercise? You've got to work your way out of this step by step. Take care of your body, as much as you can right now, then let the head and heart follow.
You are strong. You will get out of this.
Hang in there, hon.
Hugs. MJJ xx