Mali checking in

[Mali]

Hi everyone

I haven't visited for a while. I'm not making time for anything over and above immediate and urgent demands on my time these days.

Mum is battling on. She stopped all chemo (5FU) about 6 weeks ago. Has stopped anti-sickness medication, vitamins, morphine. Everything. For the first 4 weeks she was stronger than she'd been for ages. She thinks her system was being poisoned with all the medications. But now, 6 weeks into her break she is beginning to be really ill. The cancer is so cruel to her, her abdomen is swelling, the young and vibrant woman she was is being beaten down by her disease. I hate it, hate it with all my heart.

I want her to have one day, just one day, release from the pain. I want her to be able to get up, have a shower, dress, put make up on, feel vibrant and attractive and energetic...just for one day. But she will never have a day like that again in her life.

Next Monday she will go visit the oncologist again. They may suggest there is nothing more to be done. Or they may try her with oxaliplatin, let her body take a beating from it, but it might kill some of the cruel cancer cells in her body.

Nobody knows what to expect, but I believe now, that the strong spirit my Mum is, is beginning to lose to this disease.

What a cruel cruel thing.

But, I have her here now and I thank God for that at least.

Love to all of you and sending you my warmest deepest wishes for your battles with the disease.

Mali.

[Holly]

Mali,

You are right, cancer is cruel. Though, I believe that God's love is the most powerful and I trust that he has his arms wrapped tightly around your mummy.

This Thanksgiving, hold your mummy tight, share love, laughs and holiday cheer and remember that ALL things are truly possible if we believe!

Holly

[NICK THE BRIT]

Its good to hear from you Mali, at the same time im sad to hear about your mom. Can't offer much words, just that i'll say a prayer for her.

Love Nick

[Mali]

Nick the Brit and Holly

Thanks for your kind words. It's good to hear from my friends from the Colon Club.

Thinking of you all and will try to check in more regularly.

Dana, Dot, Andrea, how are you all?

[Andrea]

Hi Mali,
I'm so sorry to hear things aren't getting better with your mum. I'm sending warm thoughts and prayers to you and your mum.
For now things are stable with me. I don't know if you saw my last post. I'm in the process of finding out if I'm a candidate for SIR-spheres. I have a lot of Hope and Faith in this new treatment for liver metastisis.
All my friends here got me through a rough time. It's still rough but now there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
Love,
Andrea

[Dana]

Mali,

I'm so happy to hear from you. I sent you an email maybe 2 months ago but you didn't reply (usual problems with my email I suppose).
It's been months since I last visited the Colon Club.
I'm so sorry for what you're going through. There aren't any words apart from stay strong and give all the love you can to your mum. What keeps me smiling is that I know my mum left this world knowing she was loved so much.
Colon Cancer doesn't want to leave my family. My gran (dad's mum) died at 91 from it last thursday. She was diagnosed at the beginning of november and because of her age there was not much they could do. At least her fight was short and she died peacefully. She had a great life, and 32 extra years my mum didn't have.
So, as the doctors put it, my two brothers and I are highly at risk. As all female members on my Dad's side have it or have had colon cancer and my mum died from it.

All of you are in my thoughs, always.

Love
Dana

[Mali]

Andrea and Dana.

So good to hear from you both. Andrea, I must read some of your info on sir-spheres. It's seems every time I come back to Colon Club there's a new treatment i've not heard of.

I'm so happy you have a light at the end of the tunnel, Andrea. Thank you for taking the time to reply to me. It is so very much appreciated.

I know you are going through so much now. How are your girls by the way? I read a while back you were having more success with contact. So good to hear. Much love to you.

Dana,
I think I probably did get that e mail you sent me a while ago. Did I not respond. You must forgive me. I'm all over the place at the moment and hardly have time for anything apart from the most pressing chores. Even now as i'm at Colon Club, I feel guilty knowing that really, I don't have the time and I should actually be catching up with my studies (to become a teaching assistant) as i'm way behind and on my way to a fail.

I hope you have found some peace Dana, after your loss. I find your words comforting that your Mum left knowing she was so loved. And I do try to spend as much time as possible with mine, but you know, even though we live under the same roof I hardly seem to have much quality time with her. I'm lucky if I manage to sit and have a cup of tea with her a couple of times a day.

Well, for now, I thank you all again, for your responses. You don't know how heartening I find them.

Much love
Mali

[Holly]

Mali,

You are welcome. Cherish every moment and remember to take time to enjoy the tulips! The love you have with your mummy is powerful and know that such love will be with you and she all the days of your lives! Remember ALL things are truly possible!

Holly

[Mali]

Thank you.

My Mum is suffering so much with the cancer. She went to see the oncologist. There is nothing more they can do. So now she is off all medications. I have seen such a downturn in her in the last 2 weeks. She is getting clumsy, wetting her sleeves when she washes her hands after going to the toilet, dropping things on a regular basis, a plate of food, a cup of drink, she sits and doesn't know where to put herself and moans. She is losing enthusiasm for everything. It's wearing this wonderful energetic and intelligent woman right down.

Please know that your words are so important. I don't mean to be communicating anything negative to you, my firends who are fighting so hard. Thank you for allowing me to get my grief on paper, or computer, so to speak.

With love, Mali

[Holly]

Dear Mali,

Remember the story I shared with you about my Sweet Sandy? She was one of the most remarkable women I will ever be afforded the privilage to know. She died a year ago yesterday and her footstone was 'unveiled' a week ago today. The past twenty four hours have been filled with prayer and reflection. I think of her every day and count the many blessings that she brought to my life. Though I confess that I miss her physical presence very much, I know that deep within the depths of my soul I know that she is with me everyday and has her arms wrapped tightly around me guiding me, providing me strength and protecting me! The last thing she ever said to me was that she loved me and I will carry that with me all the days of my life. Mali, as hard as it may be not to focus on the cancer and its affects on your mummy physically, I encourage you to hug her, love her, dance with her, share your soul with your mummy because despite what God's plans are for her physical being...I promise you that she will be with you all the days of your life.

Holly

[Mali]

Holly

You are too kind and bring so much comfort. Your very words touch my soul.

And you are right. She will be with me every day of my life.

Good night Holly. I've got to go now but i'll be checking in again soon.

You are all so very dear to me at this time, and so, will always be.

Mali

[Holly]

Dear Mali,

I promise you...Your dear mummy will be with you all the days of your life. Trust that God has his arms wrapped tightly around each of us. Despite what is right in front of you, ALL things are truly possible.

Always,

Holly

[Dana]

Ciao Mali,

I was reading the replies you have received and just had to say that Holly's words are so true.

Your mum will always be with you especially when you are so low you just can't find the strenghth to lift yourself up. Mum is with me, always. I know it. She gave us so much love that it will stay with us forever.

That's all. Embrace her, hug her or just hold her hand. She's here with you and all she needs is your love.

My regret is that during my mum's final days I wished to slide into the bed to lie beside her. I didn't. Maybe now it would have made me feel better. So Mali do what your heart tells you.

Holly you are an incredible person. You can't imagine how much your words are precious to me and no doubt to all of us. You have so much love inside....

Ciao Mali, thinking of you always.

Dana
xxxxxxxxxx

[Mali]

Hi Dana

Thanks for your note.

I'm buying Mum and early Christmas present. She's bed ridden but can make it out if she makes an effort. She has always loved classical music and live orchestras but has not been well enough to go to Symphony Hall in Birmingham for years now. The last time she had a special treat was in the summer when I invited the 1st Violinist and Bass players for the City of Birmingham Symphony Orchestra to come to the house and play her a concert. It was such a unique and wonderful experience. I'm doing the same for her next Thursday - an early Christmas present as she is so terribly ill we really do not know how long she will be with us.

So the same musicians are coming in again to the house, David Gregory and Julian (can't remember surname.) They will put an hours programme together for Mum and play her a private concert in the lounge. We're really looking forward to it, such a beautiful experience and so privileged to have somebody from the CBSO in our home. There's a picture of David and something about him at www.cbso.co.uk and go to Players. There are profiles on the players there.

This will be a wonderful happy experience and we are all looking foward to it.

For once, something to look forward to.

Much love, and I hope you are well and happy.

Mali

[Pollyanna]

Mali:

What an exquisite gift for you Mum - the gift of music. You are an amazing daughter, and I'm sure your mum is so very proud of the person you are.

Have a lovely concert - are you serving nog and shortbread, too? Keeping in the early Christmas theme?

Take good care and as my mother-in-law says, Enjoy!!

Big Hugs,
P