Hope Part II: musings of a 6-year stage IV survivor

[Erika]

Hi all,
My diagnosis anniversary is this week and I can’t help but feel reflective and sappy. Six years ago I was all young and green with this cancer thing and scared out of my mind. It seems like I’m looking back on a different person, not me. This is what I’d like to say to her:

Dear Erika,

I’m so sad for you right now. I know how this feels and there’s no way to cushion it.

I also know what you’re thinking- “Why me? How did this happen to me?” Well there’s just no answer to that. But you are not being punished for something you did or didn’t do.

And speaking of doing things, funny how you were resenting all that stuff you had to do- the workload of a grad student- and now you’d give anything to be in your apartment grading lab reports. This journey will give you a new perspective on what’s important and shuffle those priorities.

That oppressing feeling of fear, it will stick around. It will be there long after treatment ends. But you’ll learn to live in spite of fear and not let it paralyze you. It will motivate you to take chances and fight for what you really want.

You think your spirit is crushed, but you’ll gain strength and confidence that will knock your socks off.

You are sad because you miss your friends, but you are going to see just how much people care about you.

You feel guilty because your parents are in agony, they’d trade places with you in a heartbeat. But your family will be that much stronger for this struggle.

And then there’s the boyfriend, the guy you want to marry. When you see his level of commitment, the sacrifices he makes to take care of you, there will be no doubt he’s the one.

The loneliness as a young colon cancer survivor is hard, but you will eventually connect with people who will change your life and inspire you.

And you think you’ve been abandoned by God, but He’s always faithful to you and you’ll feel blessed.

Right now you think you have no hope, but that is where you are the most wrong.

Love,
The Future You

[Maggie]

I just wanted to wish you a congratulations!!! I too just celebrated my 6 year cancer free last week. Nov. 9. I feel awfully similar to you. It's such a weird day to have come and go. Anyway....what matters is that we are here and we are stronger for our struggles!!! Congrats and good luck in the future!!!
Maggie

[Lifes2short]

Thanks Erika,
That was a beautiful letter. Congratulations on six years - let's hope for 60!!

[margotmagoo]

Thank you, Erika! Your story inspires HOPE for all of us. You being a 6 year survivor of stage IV, no less, is truly amazing. It is stories like yours that give me that extra strength and hope that this is merely a bump in the road of my life....a detour that can be successfully navigated.
Congratulations to you!

[Dean]

Erika,
You are so inspirational,!!!! I just passed my first year anniversary of gettting the A..Cancer out and I know what you mean about the highs and lows. I myself feel a stronger person now and believe I can take on anything. Keep staying positive.....

Dean

[NICK THE BRIT]

Thanks Erika,

I think most will agree, you get a lift when you hear stories like yours. It was my sons 1st birthday yesterday and i had a few mixed emotions. But the bottom line is im damn sure i'll be here for many more to come. Im stage IIIa so i understand there are people out there with worse fears than mine. I met a guy at the hospital last week, who was 42. He had no symtoms at all, and is now being told his cancer is inoperable. I really felt for the guy and advised him to log on to this site as theres some great people on here, sharing great stories.

Keep Fighting

Nick

[Hannah]

Erika,

I *HEART* you so much! I am so incredibly grateful that you are alive for me to know, and that we found each other through this crappy thing called ass cancer. I am continually overwhelmed by your ability to describe your feelings and your experience, and truly thankful that you are willing to do it on this message board.

For anyone who missed Erika's 5-year letter, check it out here:
http://www.colonclub.com/forum/viewtopi ... highlight=

Hannah

[missjv]

HI ERIKA,
WOW CONGRATS ON 6 YEARS THAT IS GREAT AND YOU ARE PROOF THIS CRAP CAN BE BEAT. I AM GOING FOR LIVER RESECTION DECEMBER 8TH AND I AM VERY OPTIMISTIC I WILL ALSO HAVE MANY YEARS FROM NOW CANCER FREE I KNOW IT IS A HARD SURGERY AND I WILL BE OVER 1000 MILES FROM HOME FOR SURGERY BUT IT WILL BE WELL WORTH IT ESPECIALLY SINCE DOCS ARE CALLING IT CURATIVE SURGERY. I GUESS I GOT LUCKY THAT I DID NOT HAVE TO HAVE MAJOR COLON SURGERY JUST A POLYPECTOMY TO REMOVE CANCEROUS POLYP AND EVERYONE INVOLVED WAS SHOCKED TO HEARI HAD LIVER METS FROM SUCH A VERY SMALL PRIMARY WHICH IS VERY UNUSUAL IM JUST GLAD I HAD A CAT SCAN DONE AND DISCOVERED THE 3 SMALL LIVER METS BECAUSE I ALMOST WALKED AWAY FROM DOC FOR 3 YEARS UNTIL IT WAS TIME FOR FOLLOW UP COLONOSCOPY, AS MY PATH REPORT CAME BACK SAYING MARGINS AND STALK OF POLYP WERE FREE OF CANCER NO ONE SUSPECTED LIVER METS AND IF I DID WALK AWAY 3 YEARS FROM NOW WOULD HAVE PROBABLY LEFT ME WITH MUCH MORE THEN 3 SMALL METS AND MAYBE A CHANCE I WOULD HAVE BEEN INOPERABLE SO IM TAKING THIS AS A SIGN THAT I WILL BE ALRIGHT I HAVE AN 8 YEAR OLD DAUGHTER AND I JUST TURNED 40. THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY WITH EVERYONE IT GIVES THOSE OF US JUST STARTING THE BATTLE SOME REAL HOPE, AND MAY YOU HAVE MANY MANY MORE YEARS FREE FROM THIS BEAST.

MISSJV

[betsydoglover]

Erika -

I don't come here very often, but I am so happy for your success - an inspiration to so many - I am Stage IV survivor but only 14.5 months NED - still it all counts and your story gives me great hope.

Betsy (thanks for sharing)

[missjv]

HI BETSY,
14.5 MONTHS IS GREAT! JUST REMEMBER THE LONGER YOU GO NO EVIDENCE OF DISEASE THE LESS CHANCE OF RECURRANCE SO YOU HAVE GONE OVER A YEAR WHICH IS GREAT. IM JUST STARTING OUT DIAGNOSED 6 MONTHS AGO WITH STAGE 4 FROM A POLYP WITH NO LYMPHNODES SHOWING CANCER JUST 3 VERY TINY LIVER METS WHICH I AM HAVING REMOVED DECEMBER 8TH AND THEN SOME MORE CHEMO AND THEN THIS TIME NEXT YEAR I WILL BE ON THIS BOARD SAME AS YOU SHOWING NED. IM SURE OF IT!! CONGRATS ON YOUR 14.5 MONTHS THAT IS GREAT!

MISSJV

[bossan]

Very inspiring note Erika and the rest...

I was dx'd May 2005, rectal tumor, stage IV, 7 mets in the liver(one very big one) , 2 nodes in the abdomen. Deemed incurable, been on Oxyliplatin, folfox 5fu from May to Jan. Tumor went away, all liver spots but 2 were gone nodes shrank to normal size. In Jan 06 one liver spot grew, they switched to Ironitican (sp) and Avastin. I went down to one liver spot and no growth anywhere else. The chemo lasted until July 06. I took a break for 3 months because it was killing me.

I did a sigmoidoscopy in August, tumor is gone but there are still cells present. Did a CT scan in late September. The one liver spot started growing (from 1 1/2 cm to 2 1/2). The nodes in the abdomen grew a very tiny amount as well.

I am seriously condensing my details. I have been living quite well in and out of occasional horrors with the meds, but I'm still here, quite cranky and living the constitutionally conservative/socially liberal dream....

As Lynn Redgrave said, "I want to die of something other than cancer!"

Working on that as I speak.