This is reedcat:: he is home ALMOST ):

[reedcat]

First of all I think you all for all your wonderful post on how to handle my sons::::: My husband did get to come home today, but he is not at OUR HOME, WITH ME AND OUR SONS he is at his moms home accross the pasture::: I am being VERY SELFISH because i think if he does not have much time to live he should be with OUR SONS NOT HIS MOTHER. She says she can take care of him, forget the 8 years of nursing school and anesthesia school I went through, she knows lot more than me,,, I feel for her because he is her son but he is my husband and my sons DADDY, I want him home so he can see the boys and spend time if nothing else but watching TV with them or letting them lay in the bed with him, or sit beside him, instead he gets to spend his time with his mom sitting there watching him, when i voiced my wants to her she just looked at me and said "WELL I AM DOING WHAT HE WANTS" i AM NOT GOING TO be in a battle with his mother over him but she needs to think of these 2 little boys more than herself.
OH gosh I am venting but i had the boys all pumped up about daddy being home when i picked them up from school and about how not to argue and be on their best behavior just to find out he wasn't home he was at his mom

[Nanette]

Hi Reedcat,
I feel so sorry for you! How the heck did your husband get to your mother's house and not yours? YOU ARE NOT BEING SELFISH to have your husband at YOURS (AND HIS) home! He should be with his wife and sons. You are going through so much right now and you shouldn't have to be dealing with her, even though it is her son. Did your husband actually say he wanted to go to his mother's house? Is he able to talk and does he know what's going on? I'm sorry I am asking all of these questions, but I am upset for you right now. How far does she live from your house? I guess it doesn't matter. She could live across the street from you and it still would be wrong if he wasn't in his own home with his wife and sons.

I wish I could help you more. Please keep us posted.
You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers.
-Nanette

[Lee]

Reedcat,

Did his mother take him to her house without your knowledge or consent? What are your husband's wants at this time? I am confused? How did he get to her house? Ambulance??

Lee

[suzieh]

I am glad your husband is out of the hospital, but I am sorry you are having to deal with all the other drama. I have 3 children and we were very honest with them the whole entire time I went through treatment. I do not know how much of an option it is for them to see him as much as possible, it is surprising how kids just need a hug or to "see" and then they are on their way. I can remember being nauseated during treatment and my husband/mother/mother in law trying to keep the kids "Quiet" or away from me but they were the best medicine in the end.

I never wanted my children to feel like "they caused" any of my illness or that they were restricted from doing anything with me during that time. In my case that was all short lived and I am obviously still here today, I guess I feel it would have been tough on them to be restricted from me and then to potentitally never get that last hug.

I will be thinking of you as you go through this very difficult time.

[reedcat]

I have to work to pay the bills (although his parents do help with some) so she has been staying with my husband during the week at the hospital since she doesnt work and the hospital is over an hour away, I work and care for the boys then once or twice during the week me and the boys would make the trip to see their dad, who at this stage just pretty much lays there, and get out of bed to use bathroom thats about it, I stay with him on friday and saturday nights at the hospital while his mom watches the boys, although i have had others say the boys can stay with them on the weekend, his mother WONT HAVE IT, well he got 2 units of blood yesterday and the doctor let him go home today, they were not doing anything else for him but giving him his medication and blood, AND yes he said he wanted to stay at his moms, its almost like he doesnt want to spend much time with the boys, yesterday in the hospital my 11 year old reached down to hug his dad goodbye before we left, and his dad pushed him away and told him to go home, I am chopping that up to be all the meds he is on and thats what i told my sons, now today he is once again at his moms and not at home with me and OUR SONS, and yes she lives close by, just across the pasture, I am just wanting him to spend this time with the boys, since the doctor told us he had less than a month and he is already turning jaundice

I feel so sorry for my sons, I am used to him wanting his mom over me, but not OVER OUR BOYS!! I am hurt and angry right now because I have things I am upset with him about but will never be able to tell him

[weisssoccermom]

You know, I have a MIL like that who, honestly, won't let go. I am sorry but it infuriates me to listen to your story. How can his own mother not want her son to be with his sons??? I can't comprehend that. I do understand that maybe she feels as though she is 'protecting' the boys but the reality is she is not. Talk with your husband. Tell him you want him to come home. Explain to him that the boys NEED him to come home. I can't imagine how they will feel towards their dad or grandma in the next few years if they are deprived of being with their father right now. I am not advocating this, but certainly with all the medications, etc. that he is on, you should be able to do something legally to get him brought back to your house. Is it possible that your MIL feels that because you have to work that this is the best possible situation?? Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that it is but maybe that is how she is interpreting this. Do the boys spend time at grandma's house with Dad??? I probably shouldn't say this because you already have a lot on your plate, but I would be very careful about the influence his mother appears to be having on your husband. YOU are his wife and the boys are his sons. I feel for his mother because this must be difficult to watch her son suffer like this but nothing she is going to do is going to fix this. A mother's love can only do so much in this situation but I fear that she may, unfortunately, feel that she has more standing and control than she does. If possible, please do whatever you have to to get him back home (particularly if you are able to take a leave from work to spend the entire time with him) so that she will have no basis, no reason, to object to him being home. It's truly sad that you and your sons have to be going through all of this and I might add that I would be very very careful about letting grandma spend a lot of time with the boys. Again, YOU are the mom, not her and if you want your sons to spend time with a friend that's your perogative, not hers. Having a MIL like yours has made me very skeptical about allowing her to spend any time alone with my kids. Be wary of the things she may be telling your sons about you particularly during this difficult time. Please get your family together for your sake, your husband's and most importantly, your sons. Don't let them miss out on these last precious days with their daddy. These final days can't be done over ever again. There are no second chances.

[Nanette]

Reedcat-
Weisssoccermom (Jaynee) couldn't have said it any better. Try and talk to your husband and somehow get him back in your house. Take a leave of absence if possible so your MIL can't make any excuses for your husband to stay at her house. The MIL sounds like she has a lot of control over you and the rest of your family, even if your husband was close to her. And if your kids want to stay at a friend's house on a weekend, they should be able to do so without your MIL's permission. You are the parent.

I can feel my blood boil reading your posts, Reedcat. I feel so sorry for you. Read Jaynee's post again. She has the best advice for you.

Take care,
-Nanette

[shmurciakova]

Hello again,
I am pleased to see that your husband is out of the hospital. I guess ultimately he is the one that has to decide where he wants to be. During my time convalescing at my parents home, which happens to be in Houston near MD Anderson, I was very grateful for my parents support but there was nothing I wanted more than to be home, at MY home! I just felt so much better once I was in my own bed. I don't know if your MIL's house is the house that your husband grew up in or not, but if so, I guess I can sort of understand since he is probably going through all sorts of end of life thoughts and feelings......but like the others said, just let him know that you and your sons really want him at home and hopefully he will agree that is where he wants to be when all is said and done. I just also wanted to say that I don't think you should let this destroy your relationship with your mother in law. In the end the ones that will be left behind will have to get by as best as you all can. You don't want to be fighting and having animosity. You all need to love one another right now. You can help each other after your husband is gone. Maybe you can talk to your MIL and have an honest heart to heart. Cry, let her know how you feel. Let her know that this situation is hurting you just as much as it is hurting her. Try not to let this cause drama right now. Like the others said, you only get to do this one time. I hope your husband does not continue to push you all away at this time. I think open communication is what is needed in this situation more than anything.
I wish you the best of luck in the upcoming weeks.
Sincerely,
Susan H.

[reedcat]

My MIL's house is not where he grew up at, they have lived there only a few years, but she is so controlling then makes everyone think she is an ANGLE, when we know the difference,my children went over to her house last night to say goodnight to dad, and my oldest 11 asked grandma why dad had to sleep over there, all she could say is "well thats what she wants" he said she hoovered over him everysecond, but I should be used to this actually because his MOM has always came before OURS SONS OR ME I just expected different right now,
I also feel my sons are going to remember this along time that their dad had soon be at his moms house spending what time he has left then at our house, although i think most of it is her doing not his, I am going to talk to him again today about coming home, but if SHE has anything to do with it he will stay right in her bed with her right at his bedside,
my children are already resenting their grandmother and these are her only grandsons, she has 1 other granddaughter that does not live close by, and my husband is her only son....... have to go my sons are getting up ready for school thank you all for your input.... pray for me and my sons

[barbara jayne]

Reedcat I am so sorry for the disstresing situation you are in but there's no two ways about this your husband MUST spend his last precious days with you and his sons his selfish MIL must be made to realise who needs him most right now she is the adult and has her lifetime of experience of what life throws at us but your children will never understand why in their eyes were rejected by their father sorry to be so blunt but you can't turn back time be strong only you can fix this

[lamerex4]

Reedcat, As a nurse myself, I can't imagine being forced away from my husband at this difficult time. Is Hospice involved in his care? They are unbelievably wonderful in dealing with difficult family dynamics. The boys certainly need an advocate to walk them thru this process with as minimal 'damage' as possible. As caretakers we tend to be concerned with everyone but ourselves; you need to allow yourself to experience your own feelings right now. Try not to look at the place where your husband has chosen to reside as his mother's house but rather as an inpatient Hospice facility; neutral ground. Involve yourself in his care as much as you would if he were elsewhere. Contact Hospice or a social worker from the hospital your husband was discharged from to help you and the boys deal with this difficult situation. Do what you need to do in this situation to have no regrets when it is over. Peace be with you.

[reedcat]

I just spoke with the doctor about hospise, he just says my MIL is a"hard case to follow" and he would speak to my husband about hospice, he said my husbands bili levels keep going up and he is more jaundice today. All my MIL does is ask me how to do his pain meds but will not even allow me to help with him. she says "I HAVE IT AND HE WONT GO HOME UNLESS HE TELLS ME HE WANTS TO" I can not even talk to him without her hoovering over all us. My 11 year old is already feeling that he is being rejected by his father, we went to her house after school to see him and he talks to them but then goes on to sleep. If he were at OUR HOUSE he could see them when he was awake and it would be no big deal if he wanted to sleep,

I am his wife and have been in the medical field for over 20 years, sleeping people for 15 years and she wont even allow me to help with him or more important the boys to spend the time they need to with their father. I just feel if i were in his shoes I would want to spend every waking moment with my sons telling them how much I LOVE THEM!!!!!

[weisssoccermom]

I know that it's easy for us to sit here and tell you how we feel and what we would do, but it's a whole different story if we were actually in your shoes. As his wife, you have the right to take him to your house and away from his mom. I worry so much about your son. Rejection is one tough emotion to overcome. I got pregnant when I was 18 and so upset my mom that I don't think she ever really forgave me. My mom died in 1999 and I was 43 at the time. I still feel the sting of her rejection - almost 10 years after her death and long since I was 18. You don't want your son to have to go through that!
There is going to come a time when your husband is not coherent and then your MIL will have no choice if you bring him to your house. The problem with that is that waiting until then doesn't give your sons the ability to spend any time with their dad. It doesn't sound as though your husband truly (and I don't mean to sound mean here) is capable of making any decisions - due to the pain meds, his condition, etc. and, as his wife, you should be able to make the decisions for him.

Get hospice involved and move your husband over to your house or to a hospice facility if there is one available in your area. Frankly, who cares what your MIL thinks or feels?? This isn't about her anymore - this is about you and the boys! I would be wary that your MIL hasn't had him sign any papers, etc. to usurp your ability to take control. Please don't wait as it sounds as though time is of the essence here.

Jaynee

[reedcat]

Thank you all, we have had a very interesting night, i took the boys to see their dad after school then we came home did homework then to ball practice and i was going to take them back after ball practice, when i got back over his parents house, his dad was let me say PISSED HE Told me to leave and leave the boys over there that he would take care of them that he would call a JUDGE to make me leave the kids with him, well i was mad after that THREAT, I TOLD him to go ahead a judge would not make me leave my kids at his house just because my husband and my sons dad is there...... duh I also said i realize that these boys need to speed time with their dad that why he needs to be at home not over there but he made his decision and i will not MAKE THE BOYS SIT in the house for whenever their dad decides he wants to see them, I realize that may sound selfish, but they do not even realize how sick he is yet, and will only find out from me since he had decided not to tell them now he is so sick to even talk to them,, yes i am mad fustrated hurt and confused,

[Lee]

Reedcat,

I'm sorry you are having to deal with all of these issues, especially at this time. Something tells me you may want to have an attorney close by.

I hope you and the kids will have some quality time with your husband.

Lee