my heart is breaking...need support please

[mca]

Dear colon club,

As I'm writing to you at this moment, I have tears in my eyes and my heart is absolutely breaking. I'm 34 years old and diagnosed with stage 2 colon cancer in June this year. Had my surgery and just finished 6 rounds of chemo with another 6 rounds to go. My white and red blood cell counts are a little low so I was advised to stay away from anyone who's sick. I have a four years old daughter and she just caught a cold this Friday.

I know that this is not really a big deal to many people, but not being able to see my child is the hardest thing for me out of all this cancer stuff. I mean, I can deal with the surgery and the chemo thing and all the side effects that come along with it. But, not to see my child and my husband is just so hard. my girl called me tonight and told me that she missed me and wanted me to come home. She was crying and I couldn't help it but burst into tears. I'm staying at my sister's gorgeous condo overlooking the ocean but it doesn't really matter. My heart is somewhere else. Has anyone of you been through the same thing? I really want to know if it is really that dangerous for me to go home. The doc mentioned the possibility of infection and pneumonia but I wonder if it is true or if he's just exaggerating. I really want to go home.

I know that you guys are the only ones who know exactly what I'm going through. Thanks for reading and take care.


Channie

[Jen Blaire]

Channie, That must be hard to not see your child. I am sorry that you are having such a hard time. It is hard to not to reach out to a sick child, I know you just wanna hug her, but she will be better in a few days. You have to be strong and hold off until she gets better, because if you do get sick, due to your compromised immune system, you will have to stop chemo until you get better. So, it will just be better if you wait until your baby girl gets better, because you don't want to delay you getting better. But, I understand how you feel, just hang in there.

~Jen

[popcornkel]

It is when your white blood cells are low that you should stay away from sick people.

16 years ago I had a different type of cancer, and my WBC often went low. I didn't listen to the doctor, and was slow to learn, and ended up in the hospital with pneumonia twice. One of those times was on Christmas!

That was before Neulasta. Has your doctor prescribed that? It seems like par for the course at my clinic these days - as soon as someone's WBCs start dropping, they order that. It can be painful when it stimulates your bone marrow, but maybe it would be worth it for you. I don't have kids, and my WBCs weren't dropping bad, so I stayed off it but many people take it. It is VERY expensive, if you have insurance see if it is covered.

Kelley

[northern lights]

Channie,

I know your pain. I have a 4 and 6 year old. Their dad and I are separated and half way through treatment, I was so tired that I felt I could not care for them properly and asked their dad if they could live with him full time. He stepped up to the task and has been doing great. I found it so hard to have to tell them they could not live with mommy for a little while. But we always talked about mommy being sick and needing to rest so they could come back to me. We also started planning a trip to disneyland, so they could visualize an ending to this nightmare.

My 4 year old was the worst because he would cry a lot, but in my heart I new that this "short term pain" was worth the "long term gain" I always reassured him that I loved him every day. I was able to see them and often had supper with them or went over to put them to bed.

I had low counts throughout my treatment. I was eventually put on Neupegin and I never got sick. Even if your daugter is in the house there are ways you can protect yourself. Wear a mask and wash your (and her)hands a lot. Everytime you go out in public you face germs and you need to weigh the risk.

Another thing to consider is your breaking heart. You need to focus all your energy on fighting this cancer. If you are worrying more about your daughter than your fight, you need to weigh those risks as well.

Only you know what is best for your family. I can assure you, when you and your daughter are reunited, whether it is a couple of days or a couple of months, she will open her arms and hug you as tight as she can. She will love you no matter what. (and will soon forget the separation.)

Sharon

[Hannah]

Oh Channie,

I am so sorry - that really sucks! I will second popcornkel on getting the Neulasta (or something similar) to stimulate your white blood cells. Your body is definitely in a compromised situation, and unfortunately that means that you need to be extremely careful about subjecting yourself to anyone who is sick right now.

Is there anything that you can do to help you pass the time you are away? Maybe you could email your daughter letters and pictures of you at the condo to show her what you are doing, and she could write you back and send pictures of what she is doing? Maybe you can pretend that you are an ocean exploreer on a fascinating trip - and tell her a story over the phone every night about what you did as an "explorer" that day at the beach. Also, you might try browsing online bookstores - there are several books for kids (can anyone recommend one?) about cancer, and for parents who have to deal with this. You might find one that helps.

Of course, no matter what you do there is nothing that will replace holding her, but you CAN do this in order to take care of yourself while you need to.

Hannah

[Becca]

Channie,
I know what you are going thru... really. I am 34, diagnosed 8/05 with stage IV cc when my baby girl was just 8 1/2 months old. I was hospitalized for a week for colon resection & then I started my 12 rounds of chemo 6 weeks later. Every other week for 3 days I had to send my sweet little angel off to my parents while I was on treatment. My chemo was on weds, & my hubby had to go back to work on thurs & fri while I was still on the 5FU. It SUCKED!!!!! I felt like I missed so much. I actually missed diaper duty! Can you believe that ?!? It's going to be really hard, but you've got to hang in there!! The worst thing that you can do is risk getting sick & wind up in the hospital! During chemo I had to take a leave from my job because I work with kids & my Dr. felt that my risk for infection was too high. It was really hard.

I guess the best thing that I can tell you is to look at the big picture. The time apart now is so that you can be there for your daughter in the long run. I know it's hard, but just hang in there. It's only temporary.

[mca]

Thank you all for responding to me. It really helps knowing that someone out there has gone through the same situation.
I wish that I can take the injection to increase my white count. However, my oncologist doesn't really recommend it due to me being very petite (5 foot 2 weighing 97 pounds). He believes that the injection might cause too much pain in the bones for my body to handle. So, he would rather monitor my counts very carefully and advise me to stay away from germs (not go to public places, not go near sick people, etc.) as much as possible.
The good news is that my daughter is recovering very quickly from her cold. The fever is gone and she is coughing a lot less today. So hopefully I can go home soon.
Thanks for all your suggestions on ways to get through this temporary separation from my baby girl and husband. I started to look at the bright side of things today and am feeling much better. I mean, it was very nice to have a sister who put me up in this beautiful condo right away. I can use some time alone to think about how I should live my life so that I can be as happy as possible and make each day counts. Cried at movies and not worry about being seen by my family who are very concerned about my emotional wellbeing ever since my diagnosis in June. Having a wonderful husband who takes care of everything for me. Well...I guess I'm just trying to think positive here. And I know I'll have all your support on that. So thank you all again for the kind words and advises.

Please take good care of yourselves and let's stay strong together!!!


Channie

[jana]

I agree with all the listed suggestions. Talk to your onc about wearing a mask and lots of hand washing! But, while your daughter has a fever she is very contageous.

If you get pneumonia and need hospitalization - it will be much more away time.

Maybe take this alone time in the beauiful condo to write your family special cards - thanking them and telling them how much you love them... would probably make you feel a little better.

Draw pictures for your sweet child.. so when you go home you can give something to her... showing your love.

OK, I am also trying to think of fun art,creative projects - but it may help. I hope you return home soon to a wonderful reunion.

Stay strong (but let yourself take full advantage of weak moments). jana

[Magnolia]

I know how you feel. My husband and daughter got the flu when I was in the hospital for my resection. My counts were OK as I hadn't started chemo yet, but we still decided I should go to my mom's house after discharge. I was so upset that I couldn't see either of them just when I needed them most. But, we all got through it. It was a very tough week. It's very easy to get depressed. If you don't feel better in a few days, let your doctor know. Depression can be treated.

[Bryan S]

Talk to your oncologist about using ProCrit or Epogen to help boost that red blood cell count. That may improve your energy level a little.
Both you and her will get better in a little time good luck and keep fighting.

[Guest]

When I was going through Chemo my son was 3 years old and a walking germ because he was in preschool we have no family around so needless to say when he was sick he was home with us. The only time I was away from him was when I was in the hospital. I went through 30 rounds of chemo and had some pretty sick times and low counts etc but I never once got sick from my son when he was sick. Strict rules were given about hand washing. I guess I was lucky I worked all the time went shopping etc I carried a bottle of hand sanatizer with me and used it religiously my doctors never gave me any orders to stay away from my son if he was sick they just said to be careful and keep washing his hands and yours..

[MissKim]

I feel for you, Channie. The first time I started chemo in 9/2003 I stayed at home in seclusion for 7 months. It is very depressing to be cut off from the "outside". Friends would say they were going to come over and then they would get a cold; therefore, they would stay away. At that time my kids were 2, 6, and 8. I am a very social person and was offered a job at my kids school in Aug. 2004 in the preschool/Kindergarten room which I worked at for two years (now I am just substituting). Well during those two years, I was also going through chemo (FOLFIRI and then FOLFOX with Avastin). I received the Neulasta shots. But I also washed my hands all of the time. I also drank what I call my "health shakes" from a company called Reliv. Believe it or not, I caught less colds than my husband and kids, even though I was on chemo and exposed to germs from the kids in my classroom. Yes, my oncologist knows where I work and he thinks it is a good thing because it is such a boost to me emotionally and mentally. My point is find out what works best for you emotionally while still protecting your health. Because as you know fighting CC is a very emotional thing. Miss Kim

[jmoon219]

Something has to be done right now! I am reading more and more on here about people under 40 and even under 30 being diagnosed with colon cancer. Why the hell isn't the corrupt healthcare industry doing something? I'll tell you why. They're crooked! It's all about the public's perception! If the public knew a freakin fraction of what is on this board, the healthcare industry would look like total jackasses! And, oh we can't have that! Honestly, it is high time to get the word out about this. The colonoscopy age needs ot be lowered to like 30. The public needs to be made aware immediately that young people are being hit from all directions with a disease that is commonly refered to as an "old person's disease". Well, it is no more! The so called medical professionals can't keep a lid on this forever. To the original poster, please go public with what you posted on here! To everyone else who is under the age of 40 and has been dx with this disease, GO PUBLIC!! Make it known now! We have got to make a change and soon! I don't want the healthcare professionals to be able to stand there and say "well, we didn't know". The world told them and they chose to write it off as an anomalie.