rotten news (the truth) verses false hope

[musiclover]

After a second opinion regarding my friends Stage IV cancer possiblities, I've discovered the hospital he's been getting treated at has been lying to my friend about the reality of his situation. Now that I know, I don't know what to do. His cancer is very aggressive and widespread - much worse than he's been led to believe.

Question, would you want to know if you had little time or be hopeful for the time you have left? Is it right for me to continue the fib like the doctors are doing or should I come out with the facts? Comments welcome. Thanks...

[Bryan S]

Boy that's a hard one. The hospital may have not told him how bad he is so he will continue to fight his disease. I am a firm believer that the will to live can help you defeat things that would normally kill you. My father had been sunk of of Iceland in WW2 and had to have multiple surguries that took a lot out of him but he didn't give up until.. they diagnosed him with a type of luekemia. He died 4 days later and most luekemias don'tn't kill you that fast. He gave up because he thought it was too much for him to beat. SHould you tell him how bad he is ? Would you want to know ? To have hope taken away is to remove a powerful allie. But only you can decide. I would ask some other freinds of his what they think he would want first becasue it is a difficult decision

[pearlgirl]

musiclover, how did you discover the truth? Did it come straight from the doctors? If not, perhaps it is someone else's interpretation and as such, not as reliable as information directly from the doctor.

If the doctor did indeed speak to you about your friend's condition, maybe you'd feel comfortable enough to ask *why* your friend has not been told the extent of his illness. The request may have come directly from your friend (i.e. "I don't want to hear what's wrong - tell me how to fight this!")

What a difficult call to make. I'm sorry you've been put into that situation. If I were you, I think I'd do whatever I could to verify that the information you got is accurate and realistic before making a decision about talking to your friend.

Blessings and best wishes during this difficult time,
pearlgirl

[alihamilton]

I agree so much with the two wonderful responses you received. It is such a difficult decision. I would hesitate though in telling him what you have been told unless you are getting the feeling from him that he would want to know. I think I want to know if I only have a limited time left...some do not. I agree some people totally give up when given a time limit..my mother was like that ...she was told she had three months left and she died almost to the day. Of course, I cannot be sure it would not have happened that way anyway. You are a wonderful friend and I am sure you will make the right decision, whatever that might be. The fact is that whatever you do or say, will be done with your friend's best interest at heart.

[missjv]

HI,
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT MY UNCLE WHO IN 1995 WAS DIAGNOSED STAGE 4 CC WITH METS TO LIVER, LUNGS, AND BONES. HIS VERY 1ST ONCO VISIT HE WAS TOLD WHAT HE HAD AND HE WOULD HAVE TO HAVE CHEMOTHERAPY. THE DOCTOR NEVER ONCE TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO DIE, HE TOLD HIM HE WAS GOING TO BE TREATED. MY UNCLE HAD A FOOT OF COLON REMOVED AND A PERMANENT COLOSTOMY. HE WENT ON WITH HIS LIFE FISHING AND GARDENING LIKE HE LOVED. YES HE HAD SOME HARD TIMES WITH THE CHEMO HE WAS IN HIS LATE 70'S BUT HE CONTINUED ON UNTIL HIS ONCO PASSED AWAY AND HE WAS SENT TO A NEW ONCO WHO WAS A SMART ASS JUST OUT OF SCHOOL KNOW IT ALL AND ASKED HIM WHY AT HIS AGE IS HE CONTINUING ON AND OFF CHEMO WHEN HE IS GOING TO DIE OF HIS DISEASE? WELL AFTER HEARING THAT HE CAME HOME WENT INTO A DEEP DEPRSSION AND DIED 4 MONTHS LATER THAT WAS IN 1999. HE HELD ON ALL THOSE YEARS WAY PAST WHAT ANY OF US THOUGH HE WOULD LIVED WITH SUCH AN ADVANCED CANCER. YES IM SURE HE WAS GOING TO DIE BUT HE DID NOT HAVE TO DIE IN SUCH A DEPRESSED STATE BECAUSE OF SOME BIG MOUTH IN A WHITE COAT HAD TO RUN HIS MOUTH. JUST THOSE WORDS FROM THAT IDIOT TOOK AWAY ANY HOPE THAT HE HAD AND MADE HIS LAST MONTHS ON EARTH HELL. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO TELL YOU ABOUT YOUR FRIEND EXCEPT I WOULD FIND ANOTHER HOSPITAL. GO TO A LARGE CANCER CENTER AND GET MORE OPINIONS. MY UNCLE WAS OLD WITH VERY ADVANCED CANCER AND HELD ON 4 YEARS AND THAT WAS WAY BEFORE ANY OF THESE NEW MEDS HAVE COME OUT. GOOD LUCK!

MISSJV

[musiclover]

All your posts are so helpful. Missjv, thanks for that story about your Uncle. I don't think the current hospital is so wrong in not telling my friend all the sordid details. His doctor also says he is "treating" the cancer. My friend knows this is serious stuff and that he could die from this but he also trusts his doctor and has hope that this will all work. And perhaps it will - I don't know that it won't. What that doctor said to your Uncle is horrible. Some people should not be doctors!

So far I told my friend that the second opinion verdict was that an ablation would be tricky because of the location of the lesions. I didn't add that the cancer had spread to his soft tissue and that things don't look good at all - that was what I felt was right at the moment we were speaking.

He's already signed up for the trial, is geared up for it, the routine and people involved are familiar and he seems okay with the plan. Thanks again to all.

[missjv]

HI MUSICLOVER,
WELL YOUR FRIEND MAY HAVE A GREAT RESPONSE TO THE MEDS HE WILL BE GIVEN. IM STAGE 4 WITH SMALL METS TO LIVER AND AFTER 5 CHEMOS I HAVE 50 TO 70% SHRINKAGE AND MY PET SCAN DID NOT GLOW ON MY LIVER AND I WAS TOLD THE STUFF ON THE CT SCAN WAS RESIDUAL CANCER BUT I STILL AM HAVING THOSE SPOTS REMOVED SURGICALLY CAUSE THEY ARE ON OUTSIDE EDGES OF LIVER EASY TO REMOVE. I WAS TOLD BY MY 1ST ONCO BACK IN EARLY JULY I WOULD PROBABLY ONLY BE AROUND 2 YEARS. NOW ONCOS ARE TELLING ME I HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF BEATING THIS CRAP EVEN AT STAGE 4 WHICH NOW IM CLASSIFIED AS IN REMISSION NOT STAGE 4 ANYMORE I GUESS IT IS ALL CONFUSING. SO ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE THOSE NEW MEDS OUT CAN MAKE A WORLD OF DIFFERENCE IN CHEMO TREATMENTS SO TELL YOUR FRIEND KEEP HIS CHIN UP. ALSO MY NEW NEIGHBOR INFORMED ME THAT 23YEARS AGO SHE WAS GIVEN 6 MONTHS TO LIVE BECAUSE OF OVARIAN CANCER THAT HAD SPREAD. SHE WENT THROUGH CHEMO 23 YEARS AGO AND HER CANCER COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED SHE SAID THE DOCS ARE STILL SCRATCHING THEIR ASSES TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHY THAT HAPPEND THEY SAY SHE IS A TRUE MIRACLE SO ANYTHING IS POSSIBLE. GOOD LUCK.

MISSJV