Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Please feel free to read, share your thoughts, your stories and connect with others!
boxhill
Posts: 789
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:40 am

Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby boxhill » Sat Apr 10, 2021 3:33 pm

Look, I don't intend to offend anyone, supporters.

But when non-patients refer to the disease and its treatment as if it were theirs, it grates on me. Especially when the non-patient refers to "we" when making decisions about care. I know you are devoted to your loved one. I know you are helping do research for them. But IMHO the person who actually has cancer needs to be empowered to make their own decisions, definitely by their doctors and also by you, even if they ask you for advice and/or support. It seems to happen a lot when people are posting about their parents--most of whom are no older than I :) --although it is not universal.

My mother is 98 years old, living independently. She asks my advice about various things, and I help her out with stuff, do research for her, etc. But when it comes to actually making a decision about her health care or what kind of appliance to buy, I make it very clear that it is HER choice. And in fact my attempting to push too hard on making decisions would NOT go well, lol. That is one reason why she asks me, not my sister, for help.

Okay, I admit that it also annoys me when men say "we're pregnant." Believe me, pal, SHE is the only one who is pregnant, although you are both happily expectant.

Maybe I'm just being curmudgeonly. Maybe I'm a crank.
F, 64 at DX CRC Stage IV
3/17/18 blockage, r hemi
11 of 25 LN,5 mesentery nodes
5mm liver met
pT3 pN2b pM1
BRAF wild, KRAS G12D
dMMR, MSI-H
5/18 FOLFOX
7/18 and 11/18 CT NED
12/18 MRI 5mm liver mass, 2 LNs in porta hepatis
12/31/18 Keytruda
6/19 Multiphasic CT LNs normal, Liver stable
6/28/19 Pause Key, predisone for joint pain
7/31/19 Restart Key
9/19 CT stable
Pain: all fails but Celebrex
12/23/19 CT stable
5/20 MRI stable/NED
6/20 Stop Key
All MRIs NED

roadrunner
Posts: 460
Joined: Sun Jan 12, 2020 8:46 pm

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby roadrunner » Sat Apr 10, 2021 9:24 pm

Your comment about pregnancy made me smile. If I had tried to say “we’re pregnant”—even once, in a low voice, in private—when my wife was pregnant with our kids, I wouldn’t have to worry about cancer killing me. I’d be dead already :wink:

On a more serious note, I do think it’s important to define and respect the very different journeys we and our families take through this challenge. As long as that happens, I’m good with the words people choose to use to communicate about these tough issues and circumstances. When something else is going on, it irks me too :D

I’m tempted to try to start a “Things That Irk Me” thread, but that is probably a bad, bad idea.
7/19: RC: Staged IIIA, T2N1M0
approx 4.25 cm, low/mid rectum, mod. well diff.; lung micronodule
8/19-10/19 4 rds.FOLFOX neoadjuvant, 3 w/Oxiplatin (reduced 70-75%)
neoadjuvant chemorad 11/19
4 rounds FOLFOX July-August 2020
ncCR 10/20; biopsies neg
TAE 11/20, tumor cells removed
Chest CT 3/30/21 growth in 2 nodules (3 and 5mm)
VATS 12/8/21 sub-pleural met 7mm.
SBRT nodule 1/22
6/20/22 TAE rectal polyp benign)
NED from 3/22 - 3/23
4 cycles FOLFIRI
LUL VATS lobectomy for radio resistant met 7/7/23

Rock_Robster
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:27 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby Rock_Robster » Sun Apr 11, 2021 7:19 am

I don’t mind “we” in the context of decision making with wives, husbands, etc. as very often these are in fact joint decisions that affect everyone (although the patient is always at the centre of the ‘decision circle’). But if anyone says “we have cancer” I tend to throw up in my mouth a little.

PS: Roadrunner - yes! My wife told me if I ever said “we” were pregnant I’d find myself swiftly and summarily single.
41M Australia
2018 Dx RC
G2 EMVI LVI, 4 liver mets
pT3N1aM1a Stage IVa MSS NRAS G13R
CEA 14>2>32>16>19>30>140>70
11/18 FOLFOX
3/19 Liver resection
5/19 Pelvic IMRT
7/19 ULAR
8/19 Liver met
8/19 FOLFOX, FOLFOXIRI, FOLFIRI
12/19 Liver resection
NED 2 years
11/21 Liver met, PALN, lung nodules
3/22 PVE, lymphadenectomy, liver SBRT
10/22 PALN SBRT
11/22 Liver mets, peri nodule. Xeloda+Bev
4/23 XELIRI+Bev
9/23 ATRIUM trial
12/23 Modified FOLFIRI+Bev
3/24 VAXINIA (CF33 + hNIS) trial

Siti
Posts: 269
Joined: Thu Aug 01, 2019 10:58 am

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby Siti » Mon Apr 12, 2021 9:32 am

I think it depends on the individual. It’s funny though, my husband prefers that I make the decision for him which I’d always refuse. I would tell my husband that the choice is his. I would help him and will always be there to support him, but the final decision is ultimately his.
DH (54) DX on 5/7/19
Sigmoid|G3|LN:30/31|MSS|WT KRAS, NRAS, BRAF
7/19 PET distant LN para-aorta neck hip (0.5-1.5cm)
7/19 Lap resection
26/8 to 20/12/19 CAPEOX+Bev 7x
6/11/19 CT 3 cycle LN shrunk
1/20 Cap+Bev
4/20 TS-1+Bev due to bad HFS
NED 4 years
8/23 PET recurrence chest LN growing since Feb. CEA May(4.5>5.1>5.9)
9/23 Stopped Bev, CEA Sept(8.7) Radio 17x
11/23 PET 1+ supraclavicular LN, CEA (3.4>2.5)
12/23 Lymphadenectomy
1/24 Narrow margins, 1/5 +LN, 1.4cm +tissue, TMB (19)

crikklekay
Posts: 142
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2018 9:47 am
Location: Richmond, VA

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby crikklekay » Tue Apr 27, 2021 11:03 am

I remember being in the hospital after the tumor was removed and confirmed as cancer. The Oncologist would ask questions and I would start to answer until she chastised me and said that HE needed to show he understands. It was a very sheepish moment for me.

Of the two of us I'm the most involved in keeping track of his schedule/testing/results/etc, I consider myself the project manager of his recovery! I used to carry around a black binder with all of his hospital records, lab/scan results, etc so I could refer to it when a nurse/doctor had questions or to check and make sure they were following his treatment plan correctly. He has never had to make any decisions really, the oncologist told him what he needed to do and he did it, I just made sure we followed it to the letter and questioned everything. I'm sure I've done the "we" thing before without even realizing it, though it has never been intentional.
Caring for DH John
Stage IIIC, Lymph nodes: 6/22
Chemo: FOLFOX (6)
12/17 ER and emergency surgery
02/18 Hospital w/MSSA infected port, PICC line inserted, chest CT scan showed septic emboli & blood clots
03/18 Hospital w/CDIFF
08/18 CT Scan Clear, NEMD
2018/2019/2021 Colonoscopy Clear
2019/2020/2021/2022 CT Scan Clear
2021 PET scan & MRI show one spot on liver
08/21 Liver surgery to remove spot, confirmed mCRC. Now Stage IV
09/21 Start Folfiri + Avastin
03/22 CEA Rise, continuing chemo

boxhill
Posts: 789
Joined: Fri Apr 06, 2018 11:40 am

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby boxhill » Tue Apr 27, 2021 3:26 pm

crikklekay, as long as you don't say "We are doing chemo" you're good. :lol:

And even if you have, I forgive you. :)
F, 64 at DX CRC Stage IV
3/17/18 blockage, r hemi
11 of 25 LN,5 mesentery nodes
5mm liver met
pT3 pN2b pM1
BRAF wild, KRAS G12D
dMMR, MSI-H
5/18 FOLFOX
7/18 and 11/18 CT NED
12/18 MRI 5mm liver mass, 2 LNs in porta hepatis
12/31/18 Keytruda
6/19 Multiphasic CT LNs normal, Liver stable
6/28/19 Pause Key, predisone for joint pain
7/31/19 Restart Key
9/19 CT stable
Pain: all fails but Celebrex
12/23/19 CT stable
5/20 MRI stable/NED
6/20 Stop Key
All MRIs NED

claudine
Posts: 809
Joined: Tue Mar 12, 2019 2:41 pm
Location: Montana

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby claudine » Wed Apr 28, 2021 2:30 pm

I am *very* careful to always preface anything with "my husband" and to always say HIS oncologist, HIS doctor, etc. I cannot fathom what he is going through, what all of you are going through...
Wife of Dx 04/18 (51 yo). MSS, KRAS G12A, no primary

Tumors: L4 04/18; left adrenal gland & small lung nodules 03/19
rectum 02/22 (pT3 pN0 stage 2A); L3 09/22

Surgeries: intestinal resect. 05/18 (no cancer - Crohn's); adrenalectomy 02/20
L3-L4-L5 fusion and corpectomy 05/20; LAR 04/22; ileo reversal 09/22
L2-L3 fusion and corpectomy 09/22

Treatments: EBRT 04/18; SBRT 02/19; Failed adjuvant Xelox ; Folfiri/Avastin 03/19 - 01/20
adjuvant chemorad (Xeloda) 06/22; SBRT 11/22; Xeloda/Avastin since 01/24

zephyr
Posts: 363
Joined: Thu Aug 18, 2016 7:31 am

Re: Does "We" Drive Anyone Else Crazy?

Postby zephyr » Thu Apr 29, 2021 12:32 pm

As someone else mentioned, I think it depends on the individual and circumstances. My husband uses "we" and "she" depending on the context. He has been right by my side the whole time, going to all appointments and infusions with me (until COVID restricted those), picking up my prescriptions, setting alarms for me on his phone because he knows I have chemo brain, taking over laundry & dishes so that my hands won't be in water and flare from HFS, taking care of all the insurance and financial issues, etc. He has put his life on hold to be there for me, to do whatever it takes, and I value that commitment more than I could ever fully express. So when he says "we are trying to decide..." or "we are waiting for the scan results", I'm not offended because it really is we. When he's answering questions about side effects and such, he says "she is feeling..." or "she is trying..."
Nov-2009 Early stage CRC, routine colonoscopy
2010-2014 F/U colonoscopies, all clear
Jun-2016 CRC during F/U colonoscopy, surgery, Stage 4, KRAS, MSS
Aug-2016-May-2018 Folfox, 5FU, Folfiri & Avastin
Aug/Sep-2018 YAG laser surgeries (Germany), 11 nodules removed
Nov-2018 clean CT scan
Mar-2019 New lung nodules
Apr-2019 Dec-2020 Xeloda/Avastin, SBRT, cont. Xeloda/Avastin
Mar-2021 Forfiri/Avastin
Mar-2022 Ablation & Thoracotomy
Feb-2023 Folfiri & Avastin
Nov-2023 Xeloda & Avastin


Return to “Colon Talk - Colon cancer (colorectal cancer) support forum”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 118 guests