Hi Paul, just want to let you know I too understand where you are coming from and you are not alone. It's not easy to come on here to acknowledge the feelings and emotions that you are going through and I just want to say it's okay to do so.
When I got diagnosed, my whole world got turned upside down. Everything that I came to believe in (my beliefs, values, ideals, visions, life mottos, philosophies etc...) was thrown out of the window in a span of 6 months after I got diagnosed. One would think that as time went by and as chemo finished and I got qualified as wait and watch candidate, the emotional turmoil and agony would be gone together with the damn tumour. Nope! The emotional turmoil didn't go away and it hung around all the time, even during times when I should have been happy! I felt soooo guilty, so terrible for not being happy and that in turn made me even more depressed.
I was trying to live life as if every day was my last day trying to cramp, push, shove anything in my way on a fast-forward mode, and in the process of it all became withdrawn and hurt a few loved ones along the way. I also decided that I shall have no patience for anyone or anything as a form of revenge and resentment against what I was going through. It was as if I was living a grudge with everything in my way and I don't even know why!
I'm a little better these days but the months running up to a scan will have me freaked out all over again. My husband thinks it's a form of cancer PTSD. I had a lot of help from a counselor in the first year and she helped me tide through some dark times. I wonder if you may want to consider that if nothing else is working. I also asked to be prescribed a supply of benzodiazepine medication to calm me down whenever I need to. I was on Lorazapam. I was on the verge of asking for anti-depression medication at one point but managed to get out of my funk a couple of months ago but I wouldn't discount that if and when the need arises.
Heal at your own time, allow yourself to be emotional if you need. Speak to someone you trust about what you are truly feeling. If that is not possible, seek counseling or psychiatrist help. I wouldn't discount medication if that is what it takes to get you back on track. All the best. Always remember you are not alone, come here for a rant or a chat anytime!
Dx @ 39 F, married
Nov 18 - Dx of a mid-rectal tumour at T3N1M0 (2cm) 7cm from AV
Dec 18 - CRT, 28 sessions + Capecitabine at 3000mg daily
Jan - Mar - Wait and watch in place
Mar 19 - MRI, PET, sig flex and biopsy ordered to determine being a WW candidate.
Apr 19 - CCR. Surgery on hold. 6 cycles of Xelox.
Aug 19 - Completed 6 cycles of Xelox.
Oct 19 - Flex sig, biopsy, PET/MRI - clear
Jan 20 - Colonscopy, biopsy, MRI - clear
Jun 20 - Flex sig, biopsy, PET/MRI, CT - clear
Jan 21 - Tests scheduled