The stigma of cancer

[Nicolouna]

Hi all,
This has been a topic that has been on my mind since I was first diagnosed 7 years ago but keeps reappearing after every recurrence. Do you feel stigma related to your diagnosis of cancer? Do you feel like sharing your diagnosis, treatments to people outside of the cancerverse is approached with fear, denial, negative reactions? I honestly can say that my closest friends have become acquaintances since my diagnosis. None of them could even say the word "cancer" to me and would brush off anything I would mention regarding my cancer life. I understand where they're coming from (it's not their fault) but is this common for you guys? Another thing - I met a couple of doctors from non-oncology specialties who either feel so bad for you or they basically write you off... for ex: a GI doc who did an endoscopic biopsy on me - he delivered the news that the lesion in question was cancerous (this was 3 years ago) and he was bawling. I was like , felt odd having to comfort him as he was telling me this crying. The dr who did my gyne surgeries made a comment when I met him "OH stage 4! Not many treatment options huh??". I myself am an oncology nurse, so cancer is present in my personal and professional life. I feel like I am comfortable discussing it but I definitely feel the stigma of it weighing heavily on me at times, the longer I am dealing with this disease.

[Jolene]

Oh, so glad to see this being addressed on here. Big hugs as I know where you are coming from.

I definitely felt it. I have a group of long time friends (20 years!) who after finding out that I was diagnosed with cancer, seem to be so lost for words that almost after 2 years they are still unable to address the issue with me face to face. The only comfort words I remember having was telling me to "take care" over a group chat at the beginning of my diagnosis and during chemo treatment. Since then, they have never brought the subject up in any way or form. Having been friends for such a long time, it would have been nice for someone in the group to simply ask "How is your health these days, and what are you up to with the treatment and consultations.?"

I have also made known to all that I'm really comfortable talking about it. It's funny to observe how those around me can be so uncomfortable addressing it. Oh well.... Cancer brings out the strangest thing not only in myself but also that of others. I find it quite amusing actually.

I have come to the conclusion that most people are probably just way too busy to think about how best to react or approach the subject? It's not an easy one. No one's fault actually, it's just life I guess.

[beach sunrise]

Being a sister to my 2 terminally ill sisters with CF I already knew so much about how people are /will be.
When I got the news of cancer I only told my immediate circle (6 people) and that still is the way it is.
My oldest son doesn't even know because he has so much drama in his life and I don't need to add to it or create any drama on my side.
Life is strange when something like cancer invades and most people are clueless how to act and can hurt your feeling. So, no thanks with telling. Been there done that already with my sisters.
My feelings are if you can't help me you don't need to know!

[Jolene]

Life is strange when something like cancer invades and most people are clueless how to act and can hurt your feeling. So, no thanks with telling. Been there done that already with my sisters.
My feelings are if you can't help me you don't need to know!

I like this! Good words to live by moving forward.

Thanks for sharing your story.

[horizon]

I hate it. Outside of family and my closest friends I didn't tell a lot of people about my surgery/treatment. I didn't want people treating me differently, feeling sorry for me, etc. Not knocking for people that do otherwise. That's just what I did.

[roadrunner]

I find it to be a good friendship “cleanse.” Those that can deal (in whatever way, but one that shows the love, or at least moderately good intentions): great. They have proven true. The others? Well, two words come to mind, with the second one usually written as “‘em!”

Work is a whole different animal. Much planning and strategy goes on there. Different for everyone and can be fraught with danger. Just got to keep moving forward.

[beach sunrise]

You are so right that work is a whole different animal. Thanks for bringing that up.
No one at my work knows. With surgery I took a 4 wk vacation giving no details, then covid hit about the same time and I still work from home so that is the only plus of covid19.

[Siti]

You guys are not alone on this. When the news got out about my husband, all my group chats went silent for several weeks. I usually receive forward jokes and texts from my relatives and friends on a daily basis, so it was very obvious when I stopped receiving messages. I think when people don’t know how to react, they just feel like it’s best not to react, but their silence makes things feel distant, especially at the time you need normalcy the most. Don’t get me wrong, I know most of them love us wholeheartedly, and some have offered prayers and support in their own way... but indeed they all act strangely around us.

As for the doctor and nurse who did my husband’s colonoscopy, they too were almost in tears when they delivered the news to my husband. My husband had to console them!

[boxhill]

I've been very open about it with my church family and my family family, and other close friends. I was "retired" when it happened, so no work environment to deal with. (That would very definitely be more challenging!)

At first, I avoided using the term "Stage IV" because I thought it might freak people out. Those closest to me and my minister knew, but I asked them not to tell others. Subsequently, when I updated friends, I'd tell them that they should feel free to share it with others, especially anyone who asked.

I never experienced the kind of drawing back you've all described. Interestingly, I've also never experienced the kind of nagging about quack remedies and such that other people have also described.

I don't know whether this is because of the kind of people I hang out with, or because I tended to shower them with technical information when the subject came up.

It is also true that since the original surgery, I have been lucky to have mostly good news to report about the cancer itself. That might make a difference.