hubby in denial or just a positive thinker?

[Edswife]

Hello,

I am new here.

I think my husband is in denial about the progression of his disease. His scans suggest a lesion in his sacrum at S1, but he insists any radioactivity showing up on the scans are just changes made by the radiation therapy he went through in 2017. He insists there is no longer any cancer in his spine or pelvis (he had direct invasion to the bone from the colon). I love his positive attitude and I believe positive thoughts are half the battle. But recently, he started having very bad pain in his calf and hamstrings. He insists that he injured himself at the gym. He's been popping Tylenol and soaking in the hot bath to relieve his pain. But it has been over a month and the pain doesn't seem to be getting better.

I made a deal with him to never say anything that would take away his hope. I have to choose my words carefully, and I told him that I was worried that his pain was being caused by cancer. He again insisted it is not. He has zero medical knowledge (I'm a medical journalist), and I wonder if he even knows S1 innervates the calf and hamstring. He is 46.

I can't tell whether he is in denial, is ignorant about his diagnosis, or is just levels above me in positive thinking. I feel like I should "warn" him (eg, "It could be your S1 tumor, we better have it looked at before you lose motor function") but I also don't want to be a negative thinker. I believe our thoughts become reality. My problem is I can't shake these negative thoughts, no matter how hard I try or meditate.

Oh, he also has lost faith in Western medicine. And says he doesn't want to do chemo ever again. Again, I can't tell whether he is in denial or truly believes he is cured.

He has a PET on March 23. I pray there are no changes in his sacrum, and that positive thinking will prevail.

Thank you for allowing me to share these feelings.

[stu]

Hi ,

I think there is reasonable grounds for concern given his pain levels . However he has a pet scan booked in the near future and with that in mind I would probably not interfere with his coping mechanism. My mum is very positive in her outlook and has always been that way through her illness . I believe one Doctor was concerned that her approach was rooted in denial and made a point of giving her a reality check wherever possible . It would also be fair to say is she strong and resourceful. When the bad news came from time to time she dug deep , faced it with courage and got over every bump thrown at her .

I hope it brings some good news for him and his pain subsides .
It’s so hard as you want to prepare them and help them through it .
Take care ,
Stu

[ANDRETEXAS]

I agree with Stu. Since he has a PET scan fairly soon, I would go along with keeping positive vibes until the results of that scan are in.... Good luck to both of you.

[Siti]

I can fully empathise with you. Whilst my husband believes strongly he is totally cured, deep down inside I know I’ve to be realistic about our future. I think overall, it’s actually good that at least one of us stays positive, because after all, the reason we’re fighting to be alive is live life like it was normal.

I think as partners we have to respect their choice and since you’ve a PET scan already scheduled, it is perhaps better to keep the positive attitude until time come. Wishing both of you good news!

[beach sunrise]

I think its very good to not let cancer rule your days or your mind. On the other hand, its good you have knowledge of this and can keep an eye on his dx.

[claudine]

Hello Edswife,
I concur with what's been said above - especially since your husband has a PET coming soon. There's not much to do in the meantime, so its good that he's in high spirits! My DH leaves all the online readings/advocacy to me; he goes with what his onc says, and even though he's definitely more of a "half-empty glass" kind of person, he's been able to stay in good spirits in between crises. I'm a little more concerned about you mentioning that your husband feels "done" with modern medicine. Others may disagree, but except for a few rare and far between exceptions, folks have not cured their cancer using alternative approaches. But hopefully the PET scan won't find anything and this whole point is moot!

[Edswife]

Thanks to all who have responded and shared your feelings with me. This is the first time I've ever reached out on a forum like this, and I felt comfort from your support.

Yes, I'm trying to maintain the positivity. Last night he had a terrible night because of his legs...he couldn't sleep because of the pain and was getting irritated. He always finds something to attribute to the pain, like sitting in traffic too long---which I usually don't buy---but yesterday he said he was showing off to his coworkers that he could do the splits. So yes, that'll do it.

Thank you again for the support! Wishing you all the best.

[Siti]

He always finds something to attribute to the pain, like sitting in traffic too long---which I usually don't buy---but yesterday he said he was showing off to his coworkers that he could do the splits. So yes, that'll do it.

He sounds like an awesome guy!