I ve been reading silently, and the love and kindness ive felt have made me decide to talk about this with someone else for the first time in my life.
Im Jon. I live in Panama. Im 42. I had a rough time from the age of 16 until i finally seemed to get some stability around age 33. During that period i lived a very unhealthy lifestyle, and afterwards, not much better. I have been a heavy smoker, but never touched alcohol. By 2013 i was doing more or less businesswise, also I was in great shape ... Working out, playing squash, doing stuff. One day while looking in the mirror i noticed a "weird belly" ... watery .. small but neglectible ... I though, well, seems to be age catching up ... Fast forward some month later ... I started to have orange and dark yellow pee ... In total negation, about something being wrong, i just started to drink more water ... it made my pee look clear again, and well, it is healthy right? Fast fwd another couple of months.. late 2013 i discovered a hard node , hard as a stone, and very superficial, above my belly button. So yeah, google is clear, i decide to go to the doctor. He sticks his finger into my rectum, asks me to pee in front of him, and seems to beleive i have kind of a distended abdomen. So he refers me to get a CEA bloodbork, do an abdomen scan. I went out of his office and just put the papers inside my cars front cabinet (?) and forgott they existed. Google said it clear .. You have ascites, you have nodes , whatever you have, its probably stage 4, so yeah, ascites and cancer = end stage. So i just went on, i felt particulary ok besides the small watery belly and the hard node.
2014 .. I open my new business, its doing great, but i injured my knee playing squash so i stopped working out for 6 months ... I gained weight .. just like my belly .. but you see, long ago, before i started working out and being fit in 2013, i was overweight ... i know how a fat belly feels ... this is not the same, this are ascites, but since im gaining weight now, eating trash food, and kept smoking, i guess its easy to fool everyone, including myself ...
Fast foward to 2017 ... Im still here ... my cancer seems to be weird i say .. i think about it everyday, but i dont talk about it with no one. Im as heavy as you can get and ascites are bigger.,.. my cloth are telling me this. Now, my stool is yellow and i dont remember the last time i had a good dry , dark brown stool .. I seem to be intolerant to lactose now to .. go figure ... i switch to Delactose milk .. cut ice cream and keep going with my dark secret .. working hard ... having relationships ... going to the movies ... i also became a father for the first time ... it wasnt planned .. the condom broke and even though she took the day after pill, she became pregnant. My daughter was ment to come to this world, such a blessing, but i will not get to see her grow up , i recall telling myself.
I didnt get married to my baby momma, but i supported her all the way and ive been there, building up a relationship with my daughter who is now almost 3 years old.
during that time i met someone. A single mother, with 2 kids ... One little boy 10 years old and a girl, 4 years old. I fell in love, the moved in with me, and for the first time in my life, i was not alone everyday.
She showed me patience, and to not feel i have had it rough. She had 2 babys with 2 different, man. 1 that was violent to her, and one that raped her. Both kids carry her last name. No dads. She by herself raising them. supporting them. She is a hero to my eyes. And she have, for the last 2 years and a half, showed me what love is.
Last year, in october 2019 .. we were doing netflix. And she found two hard nodes in my left deltoid. I played them down. "Nothing to worry" I will go check them. Progression. Spread. Yeah, thats it ... Still incredoulous?
Now its February and i have had 1 hell of a week. Abdominal pain by the left side (consistent) and unable to eat anything solid without nausea. constipated. And to top it all, if i pass something is filled with mucus, thick, yellowish, disgusting mucus. Bowel obstruction, google reminds me... End stage cancer in your abdomen bro. So yeah, ascites + bowel obstruction? You have a couple of weeks if lucky. No surgery candidate. Bad Bad Bad prognosis ... Oh... and run to the ER .. you may get a perforation ... if you are not passing gas or stool its critical.
So yeah, me being me .. kind of a coward i guess.. what do i do? I try to convince myself its time .. convince? I meant, i realize and try to accept it if it comes ... So this is what i have done the last 5 days:
I switched to a 90% liquid diet ... to make some time (a couple of days more?) so i can see if i dont get totally obstructed and have to be rushed into the ER
I updated my will
Left 3 original identical handwritten copies (i called my lawyer and ask him how to do it properly "for my mom" whos old
Sent one copy to my sister in the united states via dhl and left 2 copies at home
I went and added my girlfriend to my life insurance . Now my girlfriend, my sister (to ease her financially from supporting my mom) and my daughters mom ....all will get some money when i go
I have found myself being nicer to everybody
I have been walking my dog 3 times a day personally (my Girlfriend loves to walk him so she usually does more than me)
I am a photographer and have a studio at home, and tonight the 4 of us (my girfriend, her kids, and me) did a family photoshoot ... a lot of beutifull pictures
I went visiting my mom last night with my girfriend .. My mom had a stroke and she cant talk that good, but she was so happy to see us there
I have made love to my girlfriend everynight. I have kissed her and i said "i love you" everytime i can without sounding suspicious
tomorrow if my health allow it i will go to a field trip with the 4 of them to a close beach and i will shoot some more video.
Tomorrow i will stop to smoke (yeah im still smoking, such an idiot right?)
On monday, if im still around i will walk into the ER to put and ending to speculation, not that i have not read enought and not that i dont recognize whats been going on for so long.
and then i will see my options. and if im still here i promise i will let anyone who read this know what happened in the hospital.
I cried 3 days ago. I cried today again while editing the photos we took. Im SO blessed to have a family with me. Its going to be hard on them and i know if thats destiny its out of my hands.
Is funny ... how everywhere in the internet they say Ascites are end stage ... i have had ascites visible and growing ascites for the last 5 years at least, now they are big. All on all ive been somewhat symptomatic for the last 7 years of my life.
And i wonder what would have happened if i did the tests? If it was discovered that i had cancer back then. Ascites and a node? or many nodes? I would have done chemo? Radiation? Go into a natural cure route like so many gurus advertised? And even though, if that was indeed what happened .. that i do have cancer, nothing i could ve done can guarantee i would have been alive now? .. I mean, i lived 7 years chemo free... met the love of my live... built a good business...
Or perhaps i couldve lived much longer. I will never know that.. for sure.
almost 5 days in a liquid diet and the pain its still there. Im passing stool in the morning a bit better and still passing gas throughout the day which i read is a sign the obstruction is not complete yet so i guess the liquid diet is giving me some time but the pain , more than pain, a bad discomfort, is still there and i get tired. Today for the first time i took a painkiller and it makes me forget it while im writing this.
Today i felt like asking her to marry me whichever the news are once i get looked at ... i know she loves me but wouldnt that be too cruel?
A part of me knows i was irresponsable. A part of me is phobic of hospitals and bad news. A párt .. a big part of me is a coward.. But another part of me .. after seeing Kobe Bryant go .. is SO HAPPY i had this few days to do all i have done and be with them the way he have been.
For those who beleive in G´d, i hope many blessings go your way.
For those who dont, i hope and chance falls your way. Only positive things.