hksvcap1 wrote:I’ve gotten a second opinion and saw another surgeon on Friday. (My complete saga is in a different post).
Every appointment just seems worse but due to the nature of my case it’s like not knowing how bad. Since the mass in my cecum developed an abscess (this was back in November when I was hospitalized) that means perforation. Because of that the approach will be very aggressive. Right hemicolectomy, remove appendix, gallbladder (I have stones), uterus and ovaries, probably spleen, abdominal tissue and HIPEC chemo in hopes of attacking anything that can’t be seen. CT scan tomorrow to see what everything looks like now (last one was Nov 22). Surgery will be the first week of February.
I’ve had pain again since Dec 26 (one week after finishing antibiotics). All I want to do is lay in bed because of it.
I was diagnosed on Dec 31. I’m terrified and feel as though this is just growing in my body and getting worse every day. I know nothing for sure. I’m crying more now than when I was first diagnosed. I’m normally a stronger person, but what I’m feeling I can’t even describe.
I don’t doubt the surgeon and the team he’s putting together. They appear to be excellent. I’m just wondering what’s going on inside me and how bad it all is.
I don’t know what to expect, what the future looks like or anything. I’m so scared.
First remember to breathe. I know it’s hard but just breathe.
I was diagnosed the day before you 12/30. Believe me when I say I KNOW exactly the emotions you are going through right now. The fear of the unknown is a fear I have never even come close to in my life. I have these dark moments too and oddly enough it feels like it makes time move slower.
But I want you to know some things that have helped me and will hopefully help you too.
1. You are still alive. (Technically we face tons of uncertainties everyday but we normally don’t put much thought into them)
2. You found the little bastard. (And are now taking the steps to defeat him)
3. Accept that what it is, it is. (Now I know you don’t know the full extent of yours yet, but technically I won’t either until my little punk gets pulled out, BUTT after crying for 3 weeks straight. I finally realized that no amount of crying or searching for answers will change what the facts are for your situation. Yours is what it is now, go back and read #2)
4. But also know that you are allowed to cry, be frustrated and pissed off, sometimes even be happy ( not at the diagnosis but I’ve actually struggled harder with being happy and still catching myself laughing at things cause my inner devil tells me I’m not allowed to be happy during this time) remember each emotion is normal and healthy to experience during this time you gotta kick some to the curb once in awhile for your sanity.
5. Back to searching on the internet. STICK TO THE FACTS THAT YOU KNOW ABOUT YOUR SITUATION. We are all guilty of that. I think I posted on the site for the very first time the day of diagnoses which means I was reading and lurking a few weeks before. So I’ve spent my fair share of time googling and scared. PLEASE know that all I’ve learned is that everyone’s experience with this is different. I read all the Colondar model stories on here and haven’t found one that was similar to my story. I’ve read all the symptoms of other people trying to gauge is my symptoms like theirs, does that mean mine is at that stage? The truth is the only real truth is what is fact about your situation. (Again I know you don’t know all the facts yet) BUTT that’s means we move to step 6)
6. Ive heard many people say cancer isn’t a race it’s a marathon. Take one day at a time. Trust me I know I hated hearing this a few weeks ago. It was the holiday season like yours and it felt like everyone was moving at a snails pace and my heart was moving at the speed of a Jaguar.
Butt unfortunately in this case you have to just look at what’s coming and focus on getting through that. The reading online can overwhelm. I’ve read so many stories about the different chemos that people take and honestly I had to stop. I know that it’s probably gonna be a discussion that I will have but right now I need to worry about the surgery. That’s my next step. Jumping ahead overwhelms you. This is a new concept for many people that Are diagnosed with cancer I’m sure and that’s appreciating today! Knowing that you can not control tomorrow. A fact that was real before we had cancer but we were to absorbed in life’s less trivial things to stop and let it sink in.
7. Lastly please know that I know you don’t know me. But I’m sitting here like you with the same emotions. I found out I had an anal fissure which is what sent me to the GI in the first place and I’m sitting here nursing this ass pain back to health (this crap hurts! To all that read this do not let yourself get an anal fissure) so I too am trying to absorb all this info while also basically stuck sitting in baths and watching my diet to have soft poos (fun times!). In short what I’m saying is I don’t know what pain you are experiencing right now but know that you aren’t alone. That if you need to cry come here and cry. If you want to talk message me and we can talk. I’m here going through the same rounds of emotions. And also if you need to, re-read the steps again. Cause I find myself having to go through them everyday!