Thoughts on attending a funeral?

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Unitool78
Posts: 9
Joined: Thu Jun 13, 2019 1:47 am

Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Unitool78 » Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:04 am

Hi there, new to the forum. I have a decision to make and could use some thoughtful input.

I'm 40 yrs old currently in treatment for stage 4. Originally diagnosed Oct. '17, after bowel resection and 8 rounds of chemo I got 4 months of NED before they found it in my liver. Am two months post liver resection, just resumed chemo (Fulfiri) last week.

A friendly acquaintance passed away yesterday. We weren't close, but have all the same friends, and would always stop to chat when we ran into each other when I visit the town I used to live in. He was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer 5 weeks ago, there wasn't anything they could do. He just turned 39.

So now I'm trying to decide if I am going to the celebration of life. Normally I absolutely would be there. Maybe I'm being a bit of a wimp, but I don't know how well I'll handle a cancer funeral of one of my peers. Also worried I'll spend the whole time answering friends' questions about my cancer and treatment.

Probably overthinking it, but would appreciate others' thoughts, especially if you sadly have experience with such a thing. Thanks.
Stage 3 diagnosis Oct '17
Signet ring
12" sigmoid resection Nov '17
5 positive nodes
8 rounds CAPOX
NED June '18
Liver mets + Peri node found Oct '18
7 rounds FOLFIRI + Avastin for 5
PVE followed by right hepatectomy April '19
Significant Portal hypertension w/ large volume ascites (personal recorded 9.4 liters drained at once)
Resumed FOLFIRI June '19
Add'l lymph node involvement Oct '19 - resume FOLFIRI + Avastin
Aug '20 - 25 radiation treatments + capecitebine

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ginabeewell
Posts: 565
Joined: Wed Oct 24, 2018 10:30 am

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby ginabeewell » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:11 am

I always try to think would I regret it more if I go or don’t go. Social support has been crucial for me, so personally I would want a chance to connect with friends. I guess it depends whether you feel similarly or have kept things more private; that may help guide your decision?
49 YO mom of twins (11) lucky stepmom of 16/19 year olds
9/17/18 DX stage 4 CRC w inoperable liver mets CEA 931
Currently NED!

Join me on a lookback of my journey via my Strive for Five on Substack here:
https://ginajacobson.substack.com

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https://www.weareallmadeofstars.net/col ... nt-journey

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https://weareallmadeofstars.net/favorite-posts

WarriorSpouse
Posts: 220
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby WarriorSpouse » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:31 am

I am sorry to read of your conflict... I understand that many here have never contemplated death until their own mortality came into play with a serious diagnosis and difficult treatments, but remember none of us are going to live forever. Heart attacks, traffic accidents, crimes of violence, and heck even vacationing recently in some locations can end anyone's life. The older we get, the more we all see what is happening around us. Life does not happen in a vacuum.

That said, live for the day and the days soon become weeks, months, and hopefully many years strung all together in time. In living, we must always enjoy the company of family and friends; and when we lose a friend or family member, it is more important than ever to be there to support each other. If you are physically not feeling well, please take care of your own health first; but if you are avoiding people just because of fear of your own mortality, be brave and hit the beaches of life by living and being an example to others that "...you have nothing to fear, but fear itself." -FDR

Military and law enforcement professionals never know when things may not go their way, and this is how they get up and go to work each day. The more you take control of your own life, the more you will be in control. Outcomes are sometimes not what we expect, but when you can wake-up and be proactive in living each day, you are winning! Go be with your friends if you can, be honest with your fears, but be purposeful in your own actions. "...Be not afraid." -God
WS
Last edited by WarriorSpouse on Thu Jun 13, 2019 2:06 pm, edited 1 time in total.
D/H 47 years old, 10/2014, Stage IV M/CRC, nodes 12/15, para-aortic, 5 cm sigmoid resection, positive Virchow. KRAS mut, MSS, Highly Differentiated, Lynch Neg, 5FU/LV and Avastin 1 YR (Oxi for 5 months), Zeloda/Bev since 01/2016. 02/2019 recurrence para-nodes, back to 5FU/LV Oxy/Bev. It is working again. "...Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."-Walter Elliot

martd
Posts: 128
Joined: Tue Nov 21, 2017 3:48 pm
Location: Phoenix, Az

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby martd » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:51 am

I just want to throw out there you are definitely not being a wimp, very far from it actually. Just do what you really WANT to do. Maybe even just make an appearance and skip out early, nothing wrong with that everyone will understand.
49 y/o male dx 11/2017 crc
Stage 4 with 17 liver Mets, cea 490
RAS, BRAF WT Tp53 LOF
12 rounds folfox , avastin
5/18 cea 2.8 liver resection and pve
7/18 part 2 liver resection, remove right side of liver
Surgical site mrsa infection, wound vac
8/18 cea .9 cCR, rectal tumor is gone
Rectal surgery postponed, watch and wait
10/18 clear scan CEA .7
01/19 clear scan CEA .9
04/19 clear scan CEA .9
07/19 clear scan CEA 1.0

AmyG
Posts: 371
Joined: Tue Dec 25, 2018 8:08 pm

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby AmyG » Thu Jun 13, 2019 12:51 pm

Unitool78 wrote:So now I'm trying to decide if I am going to the celebration of life. Normally I absolutely would be there. Maybe I'm being a bit of a wimp, but I don't know how well I'll handle a cancer funeral of one of my peers. Also worried I'll spend the whole time answering friends' questions about my cancer and treatment.


So, if it was me I'd go. I'd connect with our mutual friends, celebrating our buddy that passed. Those types of things are for the living. It doesn't have to be about you, your diagnosis or anything. You don't even have to talk about it if you don't want to, but I'm sure it could come up!

In the end, do what you feel like you can. There's no wrong answer.
42 dx @ 9wks pregnant w/baby #8 8/18
Sigmoid colon resection 9/18
Adenocarcinoma, G2, T3N0M0..or so we thought
KRAS/BRAF wild
Liver biopsy is malignant, stage iv now boys!
Delivered healthy baby 3/19
FOLFOX + Avastin 5/19
CEA 167 to 24 after 4 rounds
Liver resection 8/28/19
NED!! CEA 2.3
CEA 5.8 idk wtf is up with that, but everything else is clear!
CEA 3.7 make up your damn mind...
CEA 1.5 that's a new low!

Pyro
Posts: 305
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:40 pm
Location: Tucson, AZ

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Pyro » Thu Jun 13, 2019 3:26 pm

WarriorSpouse wrote:
Military and law enforcement professionals never know when things may not go their way, and this is how they get up and go to work each day.


Most of our funerals are big parties, fighter pilots throw a kegger and burn a piano, we have done it since WWII, google it. Just a different perspective.
Aug 2015- Stage 4 CC with liver Mets(38/m)
Sep 2015- Avastin/Folfox/Iron
Dec 2015-Not liver surgery candidate
Jan 2016- Erbitux/Folfiri, 2nd opinion at MDA in TX
Feb 2016 -MDA liver surgery
Mar 2016 -30% of left lobe rem, PVE
May 2016 - 70% of liver rem
Jun 2016-Rad
Jan 2017-perm colost @MDA
Jul 2017-Erb/FOLFURI
Nov 2017 -Lung & Liver ablations@MDA
Jan 2018 -Xeloda & Avastin mx
Jul 2018-Avast/FOLFURI
Sep 2018-Rad
Mar 2019 - Keytruda fail
Jun 2019 - FOLFURI
Aug 2019 - No more, quality time!

Rock_Robster
Posts: 1027
Joined: Thu Oct 25, 2018 5:27 am
Location: Brisbane, Australia

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Rock_Robster » Thu Jun 13, 2019 4:56 pm

Sadly I think I may also be in a similar situation relatively soon. Unfortunately it will also involve a flight across the country, which is one of the last things I feel like doing right now.

My wife thinks I’m mad (seeing as I have the ultimate leave pass), but I think I’d like to go. For me, part of ‘winning’ in this process is not letting a cancer diagnosis take away who I am as a person, so my two tests are: 1) am I physically capable of doing this at the moment, and 2) is this something I would have done before I knew I had a cancer.

I don’t expect this to be fun or easy (after all, it’s still a funeral), but I feel like it’s probably part of the journey.

That said, repeating others - there’s no wrong answers here. Good luck, either way.
41M Australia
2018 Dx RC
G2 EMVI LVI, 4 liver mets
pT3N1aM1a Stage IVa MSS NRAS G13R
CEA 14>2>32>16>19>30>140>70
11/18 FOLFOX
3/19 Liver resection
5/19 Pelvic IMRT
7/19 ULAR
8/19 Liver met
8/19 FOLFOX, FOLFOXIRI, FOLFIRI
12/19 Liver resection
NED 2 years
11/21 Liver met, PALN, lung nodules
3/22 PVE, lymphadenectomy, liver SBRT
10/22 PALN SBRT
11/22 Liver mets, peri nodule. Xeloda+Bev
4/23 XELIRI+Bev
9/23 ATRIUM trial
12/23 Modified FOLFIRI+Bev
3/24 VAXINIA (CF33 + hNIS) trial

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Maggie Nell
Posts: 1150
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Maggie Nell » Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:10 pm

Pyro wrote:
Most of our funerals are big parties, fighter pilots throw a kegger and burn a piano, we have done it since WWII, google it. Just a different perspective.


Burning the piano, eh?
My old man was in the RAF - what an interesting insight in why he hated paying for my piano lessons. Hah. Who knew!?? :P
https://fightersweep.com/1207/piano-bur ... y-goodbye/
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
Stage II CRC, no adjuvant chemo required.

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Maggie Nell
Posts: 1150
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Maggie Nell » Thu Jun 13, 2019 7:39 pm

Unitool78 wrote:
So now I'm trying to decide if I am going to the celebration of life. Normally I absolutely would be there. Maybe I'm being a bit of a wimp, but I don't know how well I'll handle a cancer funeral of one of my peers. Also worried I'll spend the whole time answering friends' questions about my cancer and treatment.

Probably overthinking it, but would appreciate others' thoughts, especially if you sadly have experience with such a thing. Thanks.


We all drive motor vehicles, some brave souls ride bicycles on busy roads and then there are the donor cycle people. Eventually, we go to
funerals of friends, work colleagues, acquaintances who didn't survive a random encounter with an idiot at a crossroad. It's part of the deal.
We still are road users, perhaps a bit more mindful. Upgrade the insurance, shave 8mph off our speed, treat the amber light as red.

I daresay your pal, in his lifetime, ran the gauntlet of intrusive questions from well-meaning people and maybe he didn't find the sweet spot
with tactfully telling folks that he didn't want to talk about "IT just now, thanks for asking" as the cancer took him quick. So, you go to his
funeral and you get to practice that line and get it down pat.

Take a doggie bag, food is always great at funerals.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
Stage II CRC, no adjuvant chemo required.

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CRguy
Posts: 10473
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby CRguy » Thu Jun 13, 2019 8:53 pm

Unitool78 wrote:So now I'm trying to decide if I am going to the celebration of life. Normally I absolutely would be there.

Then Go ... because THAT IS who you ARE ... not what cancer has made you right now temporarily
Maybe I'm being a bit of a wimp, but I don't know how well I'll handle a cancer funeral of one of my peers.

Your friend passed. Celebrate the life not the negative of how and why.

Also worried I'll spend the whole time answering friends' questions about my cancer and treatment.

Then don't. Tell folks " Thanks for asking BUTT ... Hey this is not about ME ... I prefer to focus on "name" today so we can celebrate knowing him. I will get back to you when I have more info about me. Just having sincere gratitude to be here."

Probably overthinking it, but would appreciate others' thoughts, especially if you sadly have experience with such a thing. Thanks.

Yes you probably are :mrgreen:
BTDT
I actually quit going to funerals for a while
wife's family is Italian so it is REQUIRED ... BUTT I quit.
.... eventually was able to go again

I got over myself,
got over the observance of death and DID get back to being in the celebration of life.

Some of the best advice I got was from Cappy here cptmac

she once said :
"I have cancer so...
I am always right ! "

DO what you need to do ...
right now in your Journey.

There is no wrong answer
only what feels right for YOU
here and now.

Harmony homie

CRguy
Caregiver x 4
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
17 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

Pyro
Posts: 305
Joined: Mon Oct 12, 2015 7:40 pm
Location: Tucson, AZ

Re: Thoughts on attending a funeral?

Postby Pyro » Thu Jun 13, 2019 10:38 pm

Maggie Nell wrote:
Pyro wrote:
Most of our funerals are big parties, fighter pilots throw a kegger and burn a piano, we have done it since WWII, google it. Just a different perspective.


Burning the piano, eh?
My old man was in the RAF - what an interesting insight in why he hated paying for my piano lessons. Hah. Who knew!?? :P
https://fightersweep.com/1207/piano-bur ... y-goodbye/


We (United States Air Force) totally stole it from the RAF, but you didn’t hear it from me and I was never here
Aug 2015- Stage 4 CC with liver Mets(38/m)
Sep 2015- Avastin/Folfox/Iron
Dec 2015-Not liver surgery candidate
Jan 2016- Erbitux/Folfiri, 2nd opinion at MDA in TX
Feb 2016 -MDA liver surgery
Mar 2016 -30% of left lobe rem, PVE
May 2016 - 70% of liver rem
Jun 2016-Rad
Jan 2017-perm colost @MDA
Jul 2017-Erb/FOLFURI
Nov 2017 -Lung & Liver ablations@MDA
Jan 2018 -Xeloda & Avastin mx
Jul 2018-Avast/FOLFURI
Sep 2018-Rad
Mar 2019 - Keytruda fail
Jun 2019 - FOLFURI
Aug 2019 - No more, quality time!


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