Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Please feel free to read, share your thoughts, your stories and connect with others!
brokenwings
Posts: 66
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:50 am

Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby brokenwings » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:11 pm

I've been doing too much on line reading... You advised me not to, I know... My psychiatrist did, as well... I... I just can't help it... I wonder if chemo will work for me... If it'll shrink my primary tumour and help stop the carcinomatosis... Apparently, it won't help with my ovarian tumour since it seems to be just a stupid borderline cyst (not cancer)...
I ... just keep thinking about my mom and my little brother who passed away in a car accident 32 years ago... Tonight I asked my father why couldn't I just go with them... Why didn't we all just die and stop this suffering...

Tomorrow I'm going to look for a psychologist...

Any kind word before that is more than welcome...

Hugs,

Paola
DX January 2019
Liberkulien Adenocarcinoma - Sigmoid colon
Met to right ovary or borderline cyst?
Obstruction during hospital stay.Temporary colostomy. Primary tumour still there.
Folfirinox: 6 cycles
CT Scan/PET Scan: ok for surgery
Surgery (CRS + HIPEC) scheduled for 04/29: not optimally resectable, surgery cancelled. Right ovary removed though...
2nd ptotocol: IP chemo (oxaliplatin) + IV chemo (Folfiri + Avastin).
06/25: 4th cycle
07/03: peritoneography
07/04: exploratory laparoscopy

hiker
Posts: 139
Joined: Thu Aug 09, 2018 10:15 am

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby hiker » Sun Jan 13, 2019 5:40 pm

Hey Paola,

I'm not familiar with your particular situation, but cancer can be beat. Please stop searching online...there's just too much old, outdated information that is not helpful and can be downright hurtful. Plus, you are an individual and cancer treatment is different for everyone. Chemo affects everyone differently and the cancer responds differently.

You're in a dark place and I totally understand...cancer is scary. I don't place much faith in the work psychologists...maybe it can help you, maybe it can't. But I've known people with mental illness who needed help and the only thing that really helped was medication. It can calm your fears, stabilize your mental state, and make life not only tolerable but enjoyable again.

I don't know why I got cancer...but God's word tells us that the rain falls on the just and the unjust so we're all going to experience hardship while on this earth. If you're a spiritual person, I would recommend talking with your pastor. I don't know what I would have done over the past almost two years without my church family. They've been there to support us with meals, help around the house, financially, and most importantly with prayers. My family has been blessed in ways I would have never imagined.

God bless.

hiker
Colonoscopy 2/17, 5cm tumor descending
Diagnosed stage iv, liver mets 3/17
Colon resection 3/17
Told surgery not an option, get my affairs in order
Meet w/MSK team 5/01/17
Folfox(3rds) 5/17-6/17
Liver resection/implant HAI pump 7/17
HAI pump chemo(5rds) 8/17-2/18
Folfiri+Vectibix(11rds) 8/17-2/18
Spot on chest CT 10/17
Lung biopsy (that was fun) 11/17
Nocardia bacterial infection w/spread to brain (this is serious) 11/17
IV antibiotics 12/17-2/18
Oral antibiotics 3/18-12/18
Clear of cancer since surgery

stu
Posts: 1103
Joined: Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:46 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby stu » Sun Jan 13, 2019 6:37 pm

I am so sorry today has been especially tough .
I hope tomorrow brings a little strength.
A gentle reminder that Google failed its medical exams as it did not stay up to date with current practice. It has not analysed the recent success of new medicines that have been introduced since my mum was diagnosed nor has it accounted for how much more aggressively surgeons and radiology has become in playing their part . If Google was practicing medicine it would be sent to retrain . A package of support would be put in place to ensure it did not cause harm . Google is a rear view mirror . It’s a backwards look .
On the other hand your health and well-being relies on only one thing at this point in time and that’s your own individual response to treatment . There is lots of hope in that . Most people fall foul of reading and re reading stats that only serve to increase anxiety. Right now people are responding to new treatments that we have not seen in years . That’s evidenced on this very forum .
Its a difficult diagnosis and you are only human responding to a horrible threat . One thing my mum found helpful was to focus her energies on staying well . Creating a calm area for her to do the things that made her peaceful .

Pain in life is horrible and you and your dad have experienced a lot for which I am sorry .
I hope tomorrow brings some peace .
Take care ,
Stu
supporter to my mum who lives a great life despite a difficult diagnosis
stage4 2009 significant spread to liver
2010 colon /liver resection
chemo following recurrence
73% of liver removed
enjoying life treatment free
2016 lung resection
Oct 2017 nice clear scan . Two lung nodules disappeared
Oct 2018. Another clear scan .

Lee
Posts: 5938
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby Lee » Sun Jan 13, 2019 6:46 pm

(((Paola)))

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this cancer. I am also so very sorry to hear about your brother and mom. You and your family have had a lot of hard ships in recent years. Something tells me your mother and your brother would want you to live and to beat this cancer. Please keep that in mind when you are down. I lost my dad when I was a child thus I understand your pain.

When I was diagnosed, I was in shock and scared. It would be about 6 weeks into my diagnoses when my Onc told me, "I'm finally seeing spark and fight in your eye for the 1st time". Guess she was about ready to prescribe anti depressent pills to get me though treatment. Maybe something to consider especially in the beginning of this journey.

Yes it's only natural you want to look at Dr. Google, just know when doing this, the info out there is really out of date. If your lucky, 5 yrs old. Butt probably expect 10+ years old, and know there have been a lot of advancements have been made in the past decade. Also know that some of the info is just plain wrong or fake. There are a lot of stage IV survivors out there, they just don't post here as often as they once used to, as they are "survivors" today and go on with their life.

One thing i always did when I was looking at Dr. Google, I would bookmark positive stories and always reread those before signing off. Always left me in a positive mood. I figured if they could beat this, so could I.

Keep in mind when reading stats, when people dies, especially the elderly, cancer was not always what got them. Many of those people died from other causes. There was a women who died recently, she was a active member on this forum for many years (stage IV). She beat her cancer, butt her diabetes got her in the end. There have been some people here who are dealing with this type cancer and truly believe eating a certain diet will cure you of this cancer. I call this "snake oil", I know of 2 people personally who took this route, sorry to say they are both dead today. One was a stage I. Please know that by taking an active role in your cancer, you have actually increased your odds vs someone who chose to do nothing or following the Dr.'s advice blindly.

Know that you have found a forum that has a WEALTH of information and support. Know that you have found a forum that has your back, butt most importantly a "wealth of information".

Know in your heart your can beat this. Many stage IV survivors have, why not you!!

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

Trying
Posts: 170
Joined: Sun May 13, 2018 10:11 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby Trying » Sun Jan 13, 2019 8:54 pm

I go through really low points then better days too. It seems a bit easier once some time has passed. I still suffer though. I find positive meditation regarding your body beong able to heal itself really help. I also take meds to control my anxiety. Feel free to msg me if you ever want to talk.

Nicole aka trying
38 yr old single mom of almost 2 yr old.
Colon cancer stage IV 10 liver mets and peri metApril 2018
Folfox as of June 2018
Down to 2 mets in liver dec 2018.

lakeswim
Posts: 209
Joined: Sat Mar 31, 2018 9:37 am

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby lakeswim » Mon Jan 14, 2019 12:17 pm

I am sad today too. Seriously sad. It happens. I don't have any advice except to take things one day at a time.

I love this forum but can only be on here in small doses because it's overwhelming - the complicated medical info as well as the suffering we all endure. But the love and support here is also overwhelming and it can help me get through when I am open to it.
50 - F - Mom
RC - dgns 3/18 at age 49
Adenocarcinoma
10-11 cm frm anal verge ("large")
Stage 3a - T4N0M0
FOLFOX May -Sept '18
Capecetabine + Radiation - 28 sessions - Oct - Nov 2018
Jan 19 - MRI & flex sig show tumor gone
Mid-Feb 19 - MRI & flex sig show tumor gone
W&W

brokenwings
Posts: 66
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:50 am

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby brokenwings » Tue Jan 15, 2019 1:01 pm

Dear all,

Thank you for your meaningful words.

It's true, I am in a dark place now. Some days I do better, other I do worse...

"Something tells me your mother and your brother would want you to live and to beat this cancer." I actually hadn't thought about that... I'll try to keep it in mind from now on.

Good news: I'm not doing any more Google research. I'm still reading stuff about cancer, like new treatments and things like that, but no more statistics.

Thanks again for your loving replies and useful advice.

Hugs,

Paola
DX January 2019
Liberkulien Adenocarcinoma - Sigmoid colon
Met to right ovary or borderline cyst?
Obstruction during hospital stay.Temporary colostomy. Primary tumour still there.
Folfirinox: 6 cycles
CT Scan/PET Scan: ok for surgery
Surgery (CRS + HIPEC) scheduled for 04/29: not optimally resectable, surgery cancelled. Right ovary removed though...
2nd ptotocol: IP chemo (oxaliplatin) + IV chemo (Folfiri + Avastin).
06/25: 4th cycle
07/03: peritoneography
07/04: exploratory laparoscopy

CAGirl
Posts: 59
Joined: Fri Aug 25, 2017 4:55 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby CAGirl » Tue Jan 15, 2019 2:21 pm

I found solace in When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. I know it's helped many friends through tough times, as well. (And we weren't the "spiritual" types.) I even checked back in with the book last week, when I was sure my liver complications (chills, achiness, slight abdominal pain and eventually high enzyme numbers in my bloodwork) indicated METS.

Got an early CT scan. All clear! Phew! We are currently celebrating potential liver damage over here in my house!

Sorry you are in pain. I felt a very deep despair 23 months ago. Sending "stranger" love and hope your way.
Dx 2/2017, age 45, 2 kids: 6 yrs & 3 yrs
History of Crohn's disease - dx in 1997; in remission, thus no colonoscopy in over 10 years
Anemia dx 11/16: GI doc assured me "the likelihood of colon cancer" was "very low".
Stage 3C - T3N2b
8/64 lymph nodes; clear margins surgery 3/17
12 cycles of Folfox 4/17-9/17
3-month CT scan midway through chemo, no changes
2-3-mo CT scan post chemo 11/17 slightly larger lung nod (incr. from 7mm to 8 or 9mm)
CT scan 3/18 - NED
clear CT scan 1/2019 NED

User avatar
LPL
Posts: 631
Joined: Fri Apr 22, 2016 12:49 am
Location: Europe

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby LPL » Tue Jan 15, 2019 3:18 pm

B..wings wrote:
Good news: I'm not doing any more Google research. I'm still reading stuff about cancer, like new treatments and things like that, but no more statistics.

That is wonderful to hear! You have entered the ’research mode’ - that is good!! Keep on doing that.

CAGirl mentioned: When things fall apart by Pema Chondron

I bought that book month ago.. but recent events have made me started reading.. I think it is making a difference. Looking forward to the next page!
DH @ 65 DX 4/11/16 CC recto-sigmoid junction
Adenocarcenoma pt 35x15x9mm G3(biopsi) G1(surgical)
Mets 3 Liver resectable
T4aN1bM1a Stage IVa 2/9 LN
MSS, KRAS-mut G13D
CEA & CA19-9: 5/18 2.5 78 8/17 1.4 48 2/14/17 1.8 29
4 Folfox 6/15-7/30 (b4 liver surgery) 8 after
CT: 8/8 no change 3/27/17 NED->Jan-19 mets to lung
:!: Steroid induced hyperglycemia dx after 3chemo
Surgeries 2016: 3/18 Emergency colostomy
5/23 Primary+gallbl+stoma reversal+port 9/1 Liver mets
RFA 2019: Feb lung met

brokenwings
Posts: 66
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:50 am

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby brokenwings » Fri Mar 01, 2019 9:42 am

CAGirl wrote:I found solace in When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron. I know it's helped many friends through tough times, as well. (And we weren't the "spiritual" types.) I even checked back in with the book last week, when I was sure my liver complications (chills, achiness, slight abdominal pain and eventually high enzyme numbers in my bloodwork) indicated METS.

Got an early CT scan. All clear! Phew! We are currently celebrating potential liver damage over here in my house!

Sorry you are in pain. I felt a very deep despair 23 months ago. Sending "stranger" love and hope your way.


Thanks a lot for your kind words. (I don't know why I didn't receive a notification for your message :roll:

I'm hanging on there...

Hugs,

Paola
DX January 2019
Liberkulien Adenocarcinoma - Sigmoid colon
Met to right ovary or borderline cyst?
Obstruction during hospital stay.Temporary colostomy. Primary tumour still there.
Folfirinox: 6 cycles
CT Scan/PET Scan: ok for surgery
Surgery (CRS + HIPEC) scheduled for 04/29: not optimally resectable, surgery cancelled. Right ovary removed though...
2nd ptotocol: IP chemo (oxaliplatin) + IV chemo (Folfiri + Avastin).
06/25: 4th cycle
07/03: peritoneography
07/04: exploratory laparoscopy

hopie
Posts: 90
Joined: Fri Jan 18, 2019 12:15 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby hopie » Fri Mar 01, 2019 11:06 am

Dear Paola,
I'm not the one who goes through it, it's my mom, so my experience is by proxy, but some days are good and some are not. I'm sorry today's not a good day. But it's okay. At least that is what I try to tell my mom: it is okay to be scared, terrified, mad, angry, shocked and whatever it is that she's feeling at the moment. I try to make sure that she doesn't feel obligated to put a strong representation for me or anyone else and I'll tell you the same. When she feels uncertain, which means pessimist for her, I try to talk to her about what I've learned about the disease.

I've done a crazy amount of research, I'm used to reading 600+ pages a day, and right now, all of my energy goes to reading about colon cancer. At first, I googled things too, big mistake.<<<Not because google will tell you things that will put you down.>>> Because, first, I think it is ok to feel bad if the circumstances deem it understandable. But more importantly, google results do not yield actual, up-to-date research outcomes. And most of the results contradict; EVEN scientific journal articles have terribly contradicting results due to bad methodology. So, my take away from all the research I've been doing is to take everything I read with a grain of salt. I think it makes perfect sense that you want to do some research, it definitely gave me a sense of control. But there are lots of factors. The more I read, the more I realized that there are lots of paths to go. So chemo didn't work? We'll try the second line! That didn't work either? We'll experiment with targeted therapy.

I'm not the one going through this so I definitely do not want to imply that I understand what you're going through, but I'm a huge mommy's girl--always have been--and what helped me not lose my mind (which I was really close to) was to understand that this is not a simple equation. There are lots of paths, possibilities, and hope.

I think seeing someone is a great idea, but also please accept help from people around you as well. I wish mom would walk around making demands. I'm pretty sure it holds true for people around her too, everybody around my mom is concerned and it helps them helping her. I hope tomorrow's a better day, but in case it's not, it's okay, and I'm happy to talk to you whenever you need it!
Caregiver to my super-mom (62), diagnosed Dec 2018
Sigmoid colon, Stage IV
G3, Poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma (5,5 x 4 x 1 cm)
T4N2bM1
13 positive out of 23 lymph nodes, largest one 1,8 cm
4(?) mets in liver, located at Segment 3 & 7, largest one 2 cm
LVI & PNI present
Clear surgical margins
MSS, KRAS G13D mutant
Laparoscopic anterior resection, Jan 2019

First chemo 11 Feb 2019 (Folfox). 25/2/19 Folfox + Avastin.

brokenwings
Posts: 66
Joined: Mon Jan 07, 2019 1:50 am

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby brokenwings » Sat Mar 02, 2019 8:42 am

Dear Hopie,

Thank you for your sweet message.

Your mom's so lucky to have such a loving and caring daughter!

I saw in your signature that she's been operated on and that she's just started chemo. I hope that's not too tough on her and that she recovers soon.

I started chemo late January. I'm following a tough protocol and it's physically (and mentally) quite rough. My cancer doesn't "express" high CEA, nevertheless it went down from 8.5 to 6.5 (normal value being 5) after two chemo rounds... We'll see.

Have a lovely weekend.

Hugs,

Paola
DX January 2019
Liberkulien Adenocarcinoma - Sigmoid colon
Met to right ovary or borderline cyst?
Obstruction during hospital stay.Temporary colostomy. Primary tumour still there.
Folfirinox: 6 cycles
CT Scan/PET Scan: ok for surgery
Surgery (CRS + HIPEC) scheduled for 04/29: not optimally resectable, surgery cancelled. Right ovary removed though...
2nd ptotocol: IP chemo (oxaliplatin) + IV chemo (Folfiri + Avastin).
06/25: 4th cycle
07/03: peritoneography
07/04: exploratory laparoscopy

hopie
Posts: 90
Joined: Fri Jan 18, 2019 12:15 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby hopie » Sun Mar 03, 2019 4:56 am

brokenwings wrote:I saw in your signature that she's been operated on and that she's just started chemo. I hope that's not too tough on her and that she recovers soon.

I started chemo late January. I'm following a tough protocol and it's physically (and mentally) quite rough. My cancer doesn't "express" high CEA, nevertheless it went down from 8.5 to 6.5 (normal value being 5) after two chemo rounds... We'll see.


Tough means you have a strong body! I'm sure your doctors wouldn't put you through something they didn't think you could handle. And that's a 30% decrease!!! I hope that trend continues and takes you straight to NEDville!

Mom's doing fine, she has issues with cold and is occasionally tired but nothing we cannot handle at the moment, which I'm grateful for. :)
Caregiver to my super-mom (62), diagnosed Dec 2018
Sigmoid colon, Stage IV
G3, Poorly differentiated adenocarcinoma (5,5 x 4 x 1 cm)
T4N2bM1
13 positive out of 23 lymph nodes, largest one 1,8 cm
4(?) mets in liver, located at Segment 3 & 7, largest one 2 cm
LVI & PNI present
Clear surgical margins
MSS, KRAS G13D mutant
Laparoscopic anterior resection, Jan 2019

First chemo 11 Feb 2019 (Folfox). 25/2/19 Folfox + Avastin.

Utwo
Posts: 250
Joined: Mon May 23, 2016 10:14 am
Location: T.O.

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby Utwo » Sun Mar 03, 2019 10:06 pm

brokenwings wrote:I ... just keep thinking about my mom and my little brother who passed away in a car accident 32 years ago... Tonight I asked my father why couldn't I just go with them... Why didn't we all just die and stop this suffering...

brokenwings,
It's OK to be said.
It's OK to be depressed.
It's OK to be desperate.

Anyway, lives of many people are full of suffering.
Time will heal your mind.

Just relax and continue with whatever hand was dealt to you.
Yes, life is not fair.
58 yo male at diagnosis: T1bN0M0, 0/15 nodes, low grade/moderately differentiated adenocarcinoma
03/2016 colonoscopy #1: 2 small polyps removed in left colon; CEA = 1.3
04/2016 colonoscopy #2: caecum sessile 3.5 cm polyp piecemeal removed with kind of clear margins
05/2016 "prophylactic" laparoscopic right hemicolectomy - bleeding, leak, infection
06/2017 CT scan, colonoscopy OK; CEA = 1.6
A lot of funny stuff discovered by CT scans in liver, kidney, lungs, arteries, gallbladder and a lymph node

Butt
Posts: 18
Joined: Mon Mar 11, 2019 10:48 pm

Re: Sadness (sorry for the blues)

Postby Butt » Tue Apr 02, 2019 9:27 pm

I don t mean to scary you. I also had an ovarian cyst ghat had been growing while on chemo. The docs decided they want it out. My ovaries left the building. The pathology report came back and it was a net from colon cancer.


Return to “Colon Talk - Colon cancer (colorectal cancer) support forum”



Who is online

Users browsing this forum: AmyG, brokenwings, ginabeewell, Hockey69, kandj and 47 guests