My Heart Is Gone

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CrossfitChick1980
Posts: 50
Joined: Wed Nov 25, 2015 9:40 pm

My Heart Is Gone

Postby CrossfitChick1980 » Sat Dec 22, 2018 9:22 pm

I knew it was towards the end. I knew that he would not be here much longer and in knowing that, so many of our interactions were so meaningful. For two days, my husband went between lucidity and being cloudy headed. He was brutally honest in telling people to get out of his face and to stop fussing over him. He was still a gentleman through it all, trying to walk our guests to the door even though he could barely walk. He recognized my dad and mom when they arrived, and tried to tell my dad thank you for everything. He walked to the Christmas tree assisted and whispered, "Present." I was the only one who could understand him and sat him near the tree as he struggled to pick up one of the presents he bought me.

After I opened it, he smiled and came in for a kiss. Shortly after that, he rested on the couch for the rest of the day. This morning, I was able to bathe him in his bed. Before the Titans game, I changed him into his t-shirt and turned the TV up loudly so that he could hear. Prior to the game ending is when he took his last breath.

There was such a beauty in his death in that he made sure he wanted those he loved to know he loved them. He showed me love through it all, and I never left his side. He was my best friend and honestly, I am so heartbroken that it is hard for me to even think of a future without him. But, I am happy that he is no longer suffering. For those who pray, I welcome prayers for our 4 daughters who are so hurt that their father is gone.
Caregiver to DH dx with Adenocarcinoma of Small Intestine
Mar14- Small Bowel Resection (dx @31)
May14-Oct14: Folfox
Apr15- Liver mets
Jun15- Xeloda/Oxalyplatin
Oct15- Folfiri/Avastin
Dec15- Liver Mets, lymph nodes shrinking.
Apr16- Liver mets gone! lymph nodes stable
Jun16- Avastin/Xeloda (MSS, KRAS)
Jul16- Maintenance Chemo
Jun18- Cancer is back in liver
Sep18- Lonsurf
Oct18- Therasphere txment (failed)
Dec18- Folfiri/Avastin
Dec 22 2018- He is no longer suffering- My Love is sleeping in Peace

MissMolly
Posts: 645
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2015 4:33 pm
Location: Portland, Ore

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby MissMolly » Sat Dec 22, 2018 9:50 pm

Cross chick:
You have graciously invited people to share in both your husband’s life and its closing . . . Know that you are surrounded by gentleness and care from me and other members here.

I am touched by the closeness of bond shared between you and your husband. Some people will live a lifetime without experiencing that special one-ness, and I hope your husband’s spirit will remain within your heart as a source of comfort.

I am so sorry for your loss,
Karen
Dear friend to Bella Piazza, former Colon Club member (NWGirl).
I have a permanent ileostomy and offer advice on living with an ostomy - in loving remembrance of Bella
I am on Palliative Care for broad endocrine failure + Addison's disease + osteonecrosis of both hips/jaw + immunosuppression. I live a simple life due to frail health.

Gravelyguy
Posts: 178
Joined: Thu Jul 05, 2018 6:03 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby Gravelyguy » Sat Dec 22, 2018 10:28 pm

Oh my, I am so sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for you.

I will continue to pray for you and your family.

Dave
6/17 dx mCRC t3n1m1 very low rectal tumor 2 liver Mets 1.3 cm and .9 cm

6/17 begin 4 rounds Folfox w/Vectibix
9/17 short course radiation
10/17 rectal and liver resection LAR with coloanal anastomosis (no rectum left)
11/17-3/18 8 rounds Folfox
6/18 still NED!! Takedown
8/28/18 still NED! CEA .8 new low for me
10/18/18 colonoscopy clear
12/12/18 clear scans, CEA .9 still NED!
6/11/19 clear scans CEA 1.0

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Maggie Nell
Posts: 1134
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby Maggie Nell » Sat Dec 22, 2018 11:25 pm

I am heartened that death came gently and you all have such a beautiful
memory of this man before you faded from sight as his eyes closed on this world, he
was so blessed to walk with you by his side and the children you raised.

In my prayers.
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency r. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX
July 2019 : pending liver U/S, colonoscopy
rut roh

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mobrouser
Posts: 146
Joined: Wed Apr 11, 2018 1:44 pm
Location: Ontario

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby mobrouser » Sat Dec 22, 2018 11:51 pm

My deepest admiration of your strength through this journey and my condolences to you for having to make it, Crossfitchick.
I know in my heart that your daughters will always know their fathers love for them.

mob
CC Dx Oct 2017 @ age 58
Laparoscopic right hemi-colectomy Dec 2017
Adenocarcinoma ascending colon – 6cm x 6cm x 2cm, Low Grade, penetrates to peritoneum
T4a N2a M0, Stage IIIC
lymph nodes 6 positive out of 18
FOLFOX started Jan 16 2018; finished Aug 2 2018 (felt like a year)
CEA - 01/15/18 - 2.8; 07/29/18 - 5.3
CT scan Aug 8 2018 - Clear
PET scan Sept 6 2018 (thought about bringing the cat :wink: ) - Clear
Colonoscopy Dec 7 2018 - Clear - Next in 3 years?

User avatar
susie0915
Posts: 934
Joined: Wed Aug 02, 2017 8:17 am
Facebook Username: Susan DeGrazia Hostetter
Location: Michigan

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby susie0915 » Sun Dec 23, 2018 9:12 am

I am so sorry for your loss. Prayers for you and your family.
58 yrs old Dx @ 55
5/15 DX T3N0MO
6/15 5 wks chemo/rad
7/15 sigmoidoscopy/only scar tissue left
8/15 Pet scan NED
9/15 LAR
0/24 nodes
10/15 Bowel blockage. surgery,early ileo rev, c-diff inf :(
12/15 6 rds of xelox
5/16 Clear CT lung scarring/inflammation
9/16 clear colonoscopy
4/17 CT 4mm lung nod
7/17 no change lung nod
10/17 Clear pel/abd CT
11/17 CEA<.5
1/18 CT/Lung no change in 4mm nodule
5/18 CEA<.5, clear CT pel/abd/lung nod no change
11/18 CEA .6
5/19 CT NED, CEA <.5

ilovemyfrenchie
Posts: 17
Joined: Fri Nov 03, 2017 9:20 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby ilovemyfrenchie » Sun Dec 23, 2018 11:27 am

Sorry for your loss and prayers for your girls <3
Daughter to 59 yo w/ Stage 4 Mets to liver & peritoneal
10/1/17 ER trip for GI bleed found rectal tumor (CEA 71)
10/2/17 emergency colostomy (no resection, told tumor inoperable due to Mets found)
10/17 started Folfiri with Avastin (CEA 171)
8/18 CT = liver Mets continue to shrink (CEA 4)

“Chemo for life” hoping for surgery soon

DarknessEmbraced
Posts: 3308
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:54 pm
Facebook Username: Riann Fletcher
Location: New Brunswick, Canada

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby DarknessEmbraced » Sun Dec 23, 2018 12:05 pm

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your husband!*hugs* My deepest condolences to you and your family!*hugs*
Diagnosed 10/28/14, age 36
Colon Resection 11/20/14, LAR (no illeo)
Stage 2a colon cancer, T3NOMO
Lymph-vascular invasion undetermined
0/22 lymph nodes
No chemo, no radiation
Clear Colonoscopy 04/29/15
NED 10/20/15
Ischemic Colitis 01/21/16
NED 11/10/16
CT Scan moved up due to high CEA 08/21/17
NED 09/25/17
NED 12/21/18

Punky44
Posts: 340
Joined: Mon Oct 01, 2018 4:29 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby Punky44 » Sun Dec 23, 2018 7:01 pm

I am so sorry—you and your daughters will be in my prayers.
Caregiver to my amazing mom (68)
10/1/18 DX with rectal cancer; CEA 17 at diagnosis
MRI/CT/PET puts staging at T3N2M0
Total neoadjuvant therapy:
8 rounds Folfox 11/5/18 - 2/11/19
Short course radiation 3/14/19 - 3/20/19
Robotically assisted laparoscopic LAR 3/21/19
Pathology report says yT2N0M0 with 0/38 nodes
CEA 4/23: 2.1; 7/24: 1.9
6/28/19 Reversal and port out

Me: 34, first colonoscopy 11/16/18—normal! Come back in 5 years.

macpudd
Posts: 120
Joined: Tue Jul 21, 2015 7:00 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby macpudd » Sun Dec 23, 2018 8:27 pm

I am so sorry for your loss, others here have expressed so much better what I would like to say. Your expression of the man your husband was has inspired me to try and conduct myself in a similar way as I seem to be on a similar journey. I can only hope that memories you have will help you and your family as time passes.
Dx 10/13/2014 right hemicolectomy 10/15/2014 pT4b N0 M0
Folfox x12 from Dec 2014 to July 2015
01/16/18 tonic seizure hospital admission
01/17/18 ct and mri 2cm tumor on left side of brain
commenced anti epileptic and steroids and
insulin.
01/25/18 brain craniotomy 80% of tumour removed pathology says gbm4
6 weeks of rad and Temodar chemo and then 6 monthly cycles of Temodar
MRI in Oct no tumor
Mri Jan 2019 tumour growth Feb Pet scan tumour 6cm, no surgery, starting Avastin also Lomustine

WarriorSpouse
Posts: 196
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby WarriorSpouse » Mon Dec 24, 2018 1:32 am

I am sorry to hear of your loss. Many here appreciate you sharing your love, faith and family through the writings in your posts.
We are all with you in thoughts and prayers during this most difficult time.
With greatest felt sympathy,
WS
D/H 47 years old, 10/2014, Stage IV M/CRC, nodes 12/15, para-aortic, 5 cm sigmoid resection, positive Virchow. KRAS mut, MSS, Highly Differentiated, Lynch Neg, 5FU/LV and Avastin 1 YR (Oxi for 5 months), Zeloda/Bev since 01/2016. 02/2019 recurrence para-nodes, back to 5FU/LV Oxy/Bev. It is working again. "...Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."-Walter Elliot

dliu
Posts: 66
Joined: Sun Jun 03, 2018 7:16 am

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby dliu » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:17 am

I am so sorry for your loss, and full of admiration for you and your daughters for being able to go through this and still see the beauty in small moments.
Caring for my mum, 65
Sigmoid resection, multiple liver mets
09/05/2018 Dx Stage IV, 6/11 LN - KRAS G12V
28/05/2018 First round of FOLFOX + Avastin

CEA down from 6000+ (05/2018) to 843 (08/2018) to 377 (11/2018)
9/10 rounds with Oxaliplatin
8/10 rounds with Bevacizumab

bitchslapped
Posts: 1505
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:23 pm
Location: PNW/USA

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby bitchslapped » Mon Dec 24, 2018 2:31 pm

You gave a great gift to your DH. He passed away knowing he was loved & cared for through your loving hands.
I hope you find some peace & continued strength knowing that, as you push through the holidays especially ...& beyond for your daughters.
Sending my deepest condolences.

BS
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp, diverticulitis
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07 fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

Caat55
Posts: 665
Joined: Sat Dec 23, 2017 6:01 pm

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby Caat55 » Tue Dec 25, 2018 3:44 pm

Thank you for sharing the last moments in such a gracious life. Prayers and condolences.
Susan
55 y.o. Female
Dx 9/26/17 RC Stage 3
Completed 33 rad. tx, xeolda 12/8/17
MRI and PET 1/18 sign. regression
Surgery 1/31/18 Ileostomy, clean margins, no lymph node involved
Port 3/1/2018
Oxaliplatin and Xeloda start 3/22/18
Last Oxaliplatin 7/5/18, 5 rounds
CT NED 9/2018
PET NED 12/18
Clear Colonoscopy 2/19

Nohogirl
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Oct 14, 2018 12:15 am

Re: My Heart Is Gone

Postby Nohogirl » Fri Dec 28, 2018 1:52 pm

My deepest condolences. May God give you lots of strength during this difficult time.
04/18 DH 49 Stage 2A T3N0M0 rectal cancer moderately differentiated.
05/18 chemorad. (Xeloda) 28 days
08/18 Surgery- 24 cm, including entire rectum out
Path -Stage II T2N0M0 moderate to poorly diff. adenocarcinoma
0 of 15 lymph nodes
No PNI
No LVI
Clear margins
10/18-02/19 8 cycles of Folfox
02/19 Pet Scan. NED
08/19 Pet Scan NED
08/19 Colonoscopy Clear


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