boxhill wrote:So everyone is telling you you are a badass and a warrior and invincible and you are...but maybe you feel the need to live up to it and never give in? But you know, you need to be able to acknowledge fatigue and the need to rest and heal and act on it. It is not "giving in." It is being realistic and mature. You are in this struggle for the long term, not to prove how fast you can bounce back from a single surgery.
Yes, you can do it. But it's going to take time. We are all in this for the long haul.
Best of luck and big hugs to you.
Totally and i promised I would be gentle and patient with myself, give myself time to heal, etc.
I think two other things going on:
1) I was pissed at my mom, dad and sister because earlier in the day I had texted about pain and didn’t hear back from them. And that was after a weekend of my mom saying she or my dad would text something and it didn’t come. I needed to be more clear that I needed them available on the “bat phone” first few days because I am alone here and my poor husband can’t do it all.
2) I think I was expecting to come out of this surgery all yay and triumphant, but I had just read Julie Yip-Williams blog, and you realize you still have a long journey ahead of you before you can feel like you “beat” cancer. I thought I would be shouting “I am NED!” from the rooftops, but found myself in almost as scary a position as I had been a year ago. So physically I was doing great and being patient with how quickly I pushed myself to walk etc - but I was expecting a successful surgery to also pack a huge emotional wallop; and it didn’t measure up to my expectations.
(By the way, that second tendency is long-rooted in me: I keep motivated by a long term light at the end of the tunnel, but I don’t spend nearly enough time celebrating where I am, because there’s always a next tunnel!)
The good news is that I had wonderfully constructive conversations with each of my family members that make the meltdown worthwhile.
Oh and also: last night I got my period, revealing to me that at least PART of my meltdown was driven by garden variety PMS!!!