My husband's diagnosis anniversary is coming up and the roller coaster of emotions is unreal. On the one hand, I'm flinging so much of my energy into Christmas in an effort for this Christmas to be so wonderful it blots out last Christmas that it can't be totally healthy (it certainly hasn't been healthy for our budget). On the other, I have these odd sudden memory flashes of spending our Christmas full of creeping worry and New Years absolutely distraught in the hospital that it brings tears to my eyes out of nowhere. It's so weird because I feel like I don't remember a good portion of this year. It has been the longest year of my life and I can't recall hardly anything about it; I don't even remember how I spent my birthday other than being worried about his chest CT scan. But my brain manages to preserve these horrible nuggets of being in the hospital which are the worst moments of my life. It's like, please shut up brain!
I know I can't be alone in this, so I was wondering how other people deal? I'm just trying to keep busy and focus on how this Christmas/New Year is going to be different and next year is going to be so much better than 2018. Also, is it weird that I seem to be more affected by all this as a caregiver but my husband isn't bothered in the slightest?