My teenager is mad

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AppleTree
Posts: 267
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:16 am

My teenager is mad

Postby AppleTree » Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:50 am

What to say? My son is so worried and treats me like a toddler...always shooing me to bed. Always on alert if I need anything. Goes to bed after me. He goes to Boy Scouts to be a kid and guitar lessons, which he loves and helps him relax. He will often pick up the guitar and practicr. He would dearly love horse riding lessons again (he is very good) but they are a bit out of the budget, at least until Spring.

Yes. I HAD Stage 4. My last chemo was April and all my scans are good. I am tired. This is from being 5'8" and weighing 104 (up 2 lbs). I am trying to put weight on, but it is hard. But right now everything looks good. And I have ANOTHER scan January 9th.

We live in New England, but near a paved bike trail. I told him he can help me get stronger by going SHORT distances with me as I do not want to go alone (as long as it is above 35 degrees). I have offered Planet Fitness for the 2 of us for $20 a month. It looks like he will do that with me. I am trying to involve him in my light exercise so he will feel a part of it and helpful.

I am fine, just weak. He is mad. I know why. We just spent time with family and they all commented on how thin I was. Don't put sugar in your tea, it will kill you. Etc. Etc.

I feel awful for him. We have come a long way. He has seen me very sick. There was a time when it was questionable if I would make it. The 2 of us have fun together. We have had some great trips, I am teaching him to cook, we go to movies together, we laugh often. We are going to make cookies this week and do community service. We have been church hopping looking for a church with a youth group his age. I am running out of ideas.

I guess I am asking, how did you handle your angry kids? Or is it just angry teenager hormones? He is 15. But I do know everyone yakking has upset him.
Diag Feb 5, 2016 Age 45
3 cm tumor 5 cm from verge
Radiation + Xeloda pills - 3000mg 5x week
3/14 - 4/16 - 25 sessions
Shrank just over 50% L nodes 0/13
Remove rectum with temp Ileo 6/17
Reversal 7/20 due to infection
Acute hepatitis August. Chemo cancelled
June to September 2016 - 58 days in hospital

2017
6/16, MRI shadow in lung
Pet - 6.6mm Met in Upper R lobe
7/30 VAT surgery Mass General/Boston
8/24 port
8/30 - 4/28 Folfox. 12 rounds
2018
June CT shows new lung Mets.
July/Oct PETs...CLEAR!

stu
Posts: 1613
Joined: Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:46 pm

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby stu » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:13 am

Just have to say I think you have one fantastic son . Even as an adult I was angry and very helpless . But the angry in its own way propelled me forward . Just to reassure you it settled . But it had its role to play in its own strange way .
My mum’s physical changes in weight were one of the hardest things to watch . But you are an awesome mum . You have already though about a solution that can make him feel he is facilitating your recovery . My mum lost the weight quickly but took time to put it back on .
I just want to reassure you both this will even out .
Great to hear you are scanning well . Long may it continue and enjoy the cycles with your son. I am squeezing all the time I can get out of my teenagers . It’s awesome.
Take care,
Stu
supporter to my mum who lives a great life despite a difficult diagnosis
stage4 2009 significant spread to liver
2010 colon /liver resection
chemo following recurrence
73% of liver removed
enjoying life treatment free
2016 lung resection
Oct 2017 nice clear scan . Two lung nodules disappeared
Oct 2018. Another clear scan .

WarriorSpouse
Posts: 220
Joined: Tue Aug 16, 2016 9:02 pm

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby WarriorSpouse » Sun Nov 25, 2018 1:13 pm

I agree with Stu... Things always seem to settle out as time moves forward and you both become adjusted to the new normal of what you both are experiencing.

My wife and me had high school teenagers living in our house at the time of her initial diagnosis, surgeries and treatments. We witnessed the kids become focused more in the things they had control over and became very successful both in their academics and sporting activities. We tried to focus on as much normalcy in their lives that it brought us much normalcy in our lives too. It was a great combination.

There were some moments when the kids said and did things that affirmed our focus on them as being successful, because it was so clear that they were more concerned over something clearly a teenager may have considered important than what was actually important. ...Once my wife and I looked at each other in the kitchen and affirmatively gave each other the parental nod and wink, "Mission Accomplished!" ...We laughed and said on queue, I guess this strategy is working. It was a fun moment of reflection and accomplishment of family normalcy in not so normal times.

Just remember, kids are just that... "kids," so appreciate their normal teenage or pre-teenage ways. Embrace that they too are changing in life, not just from the family situation, but because that is what kids do, change constantly. They will always have different phases of growth, just ensure that they are all positive and not self destructive behaviors. It sounds like Scouting, P-Fit workouts, and cooking together are a great place for normalcy for both of you. You guys are doing great! Keep up the good memories and enjoy the (pre-) teenage discomfort of watching him grow and change... It is fun if not outright funny at times:)

Being humorous and honest with my kids worked best with us to adjust their demeanor and mindset. Being persuasive and jovial in presentation will always fill their mind with the right approach...it just would take a few weeks to sink in. They are kids and their minds are not quite up to speed with cognitive thinking through these things rationally like adults. They will eventually catch up to where rational and happy is in their lives, but no mother in America (or the world) will force happiness on any child before they put themselves in the happy mood themselves...It is their way to control the situation. Again, it is normal teenage behavior. Laugh through it and set the good example. He will come around in short time.

Also, many horse stables will allow kids to earn horse ridding time if they add to the labor effort with caretaking chores inside the stable. You should approach a local horse owner and discuss the family situation and your son's love for horses. I am sure you will find an owner who would appreciate the help in caretaking for the thrill of witnessing a youth enjoy the life of raising and riding a horse. This will be a win / win for both your son and the owner of the horse. Good luck on this and let us know how it worked out.

Keep making good memories and remember, kids are always being different and sometimes difficult in life. That is normal kid behavior. Congratulations on having a normal child in what can sometimes seem like a chaotic life and world. Embrace it, love it and keep moving forward Mom... You are doing great!

WS
D/H 47 years old, 10/2014, Stage IV M/CRC, nodes 12/15, para-aortic, 5 cm sigmoid resection, positive Virchow. KRAS mut, MSS, Highly Differentiated, Lynch Neg, 5FU/LV and Avastin 1 YR (Oxi for 5 months), Zeloda/Bev since 01/2016. 02/2019 recurrence para-nodes, back to 5FU/LV Oxy/Bev. It is working again. "...Perseverance is not a long race; it is many short races one after the other."-Walter Elliot

MissMolly
Posts: 645
Joined: Wed Jun 03, 2015 4:33 pm
Location: Portland, Ore

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby MissMolly » Sun Nov 25, 2018 3:58 pm

AppleTree:
Good for you for being attuned to your son and to the ways in which your diagnosis may impact his well-being and development as a budding teenager.

I was 15 years of age, a freshman in high school, when my brother was diagnosed with an aggressive Grade IV glioblastoma multiforma (brain tumor). His diagnosis had a profound effect on my core family, a sunami of shock waves.

How I saw, felt, and experienced my brother’s diagnosis was vastly different than that of my parents. A child (even a mature adolescent) does not have the acquired life perspectives and cognitive development as does an adult going through the same situation. The perceptual lens by which your son is living with your diagnosis is different than the lens by which you are living your diagnosis.

In being with you son, take time to mentally place yourself in “his shoes.” Be empathetic to his experience. Be open to his need to talk and process. Be mindful of his need
for your mothering and nurturing. He needs to know that he is safe and secure.

My brother’s diagnosis has had long-lasting effects on my own life’s trajectory. The cumulative stress was toxic.

I was a dutiful child. I assumed a caregiver role early on. I felt an inordinate burden to be a “perfect” daughter and to somehow keep my family whole. I scrubbed floors, vacuumed, and dusted to keep an outward appearance to others that all was well. I was a confident to both my mother and father, a sounding board to which they could air their distress and pain. I enmeshed myself in academic studies as a means of escape and shined with earning top grades and awards.

On the outside, it all looked positive. An appearance that I was coping OK.

On the inside, I was broken and miserable. A china vase with a long crack from top to bottom.

Be mindful, as you are, of your son and his age appropriate needs. Be guarded in his assuming too much adult-level responsibility, even if it appears positive and helpful and freely of his giving toward you. Caregive to him as he gives in care to you. Do allow for open and honest communication as your son may solicit, even if the subject is uncomfortable.

My mother NEVER allowed for any expression of feelings during my brother’s years of illness. My mother was stoic to a fault. She equated feelings with weakness. “Buck up” was her rallying cry. Among the many things that I would like to somehow “re-do” from a point of introspection, allowing for openness of expression and processing of feelings would be at The Top of my list.

A serious illness affects the entire family. Family is precious. When the “chips are down,” it is family that we hope will be there for us. Taking the time to “check-in,” authentically, with each other is essential. Understanding that caregivers, too, need care.
Karen
Dear friend to Bella Piazza, former Colon Club member (NWGirl).
I have a permanent ileostomy and offer advice on living with an ostomy - in loving remembrance of Bella
I am on Palliative Care for broad endocrine failure + Addison's disease + osteonecrosis of both hips/jaw + immunosuppression. I live a simple life due to frail health.

Patty17
Posts: 6
Joined: Tue Nov 20, 2018 9:37 am
Location: Ohio

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby Patty17 » Wed Dec 26, 2018 8:52 am

Hi AppleTree!

Sounds like you are taking so many positive steps and enjoying time and experiences with your amazing son! Love that you are sharing so much and laughing together.

I have two boys around your son’s age (15 and 13 at the time of my diagnosis) and they were so angry. Each one showed it in different ways. My oldest became anxious and would argue with me about “other” stuff — sports or schoolwork. It wasn’t like him and his response was not equal (it was way bigger, louder) to the issue. So I kept talking to him and he finally admits that it is because his mom has cancer. We have a terrific local organization that provides free counseling to families touched by cancer and he attended a number of counseling sessions that helped. My younger son became more quiet and would try to take on more responsibilities. He was embarrassed that neighbors brought us dinners, etc. He became hyper-vigilant of how I was feeling day to day, when I was tired (he still tries to send me to bed but, conversely “busts” me for napping “how long has THIS been going on? LOL), the condition of my hair or lack thereof. He refuses to go to counseling. Both boys were concerned with, yet embarrassed by, my chemo-ravaged appearance (even I avoided looking in the mirror). So I think some of the “teenage angst/jerk” behavior showed up here. And as a parent who hopes to raise caring, strong men there were some tough conversations about their behavior.

I’m pretty sure we have made lots of mistakes. Keep talking to your son. Give him the opportunity to still be a kid. Even though you are on this scary journey, try to keep filling that parent role of guiding and teaching. Utilize support organizations in your community and schools, if available.

Wishing you the best and continued recovery!
DX CC: 8/17, age 50, CEA 3.9, asymptomatic
Resection: 9/17
Stage: IIIB, T3N1bM0. Sigmoid Adenocarcinoma; 3/46 LN biopsied positive
Tumor ~5x4 cm; Lynch Neg
FOLFOX 10/17 - 3/18; completed 11 of 12; #12 canceled due to low platelets
Neulasta administered after chemo numbers 3 to 11
CT and Colonoscopy 8/18: NED
CT 3/19: NED
CT 9/19: numerous indeterminate pleural lung nodules (largest 2x5 mm)
CT 3/20: previous lung nodularity resolved, NED
CT 9/20: NED
CT 3/21: NED
Post chemo CEA range: 1.41 - 3.10

HealthTalk
Posts: 7
Joined: Thu Nov 29, 2018 5:43 am
Facebook Username: Allen Baldreich

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby HealthTalk » Thu Dec 27, 2018 6:24 am

Your son isnt mad, he is crazy good. It is rare to find a kid like him these days. Not saying that all millennials are incapable of emotions but a majority of kids at this age arent that caring and supportive (and full of empathy) for their parents. Adolescence is a tough time - and handling a parent with such a condition can have a heavy toll on the kid's mind. I understand that it must be hard for you as well to bear through the turbulence of your condition and then see your child treating you thus. All I can suggest is be a little more patient - time is the best healer. Be patient - and positively motivate yourself and your son to get through these tough times with a positive demeanor. Be patient and communicate with your son in a way that neither hurts him nor offends your dignity. Choose your words wisely and believe that things will turn out in the best way possible.

crikklekay
Posts: 142
Joined: Thu Feb 15, 2018 9:47 am
Location: Richmond, VA

Re: My teenager is mad

Postby crikklekay » Fri Dec 28, 2018 8:34 pm

I don’t have a teenager, but I can empathize with what he’s feeling. It seems like everyone has an opinion, and while most are well-meaning they come from a place of ignorance. People have told me how thin my husband is now and isn’t that great something “good” can come from cancer? Whenever I hear comments in that vein I want to shriek since they weren’t there, they didn’t see him melt away because he couldn’t eat, and how much it pained me to watch and not to be able to do anything about it. The difference is I’m an adult, I know how to grit my teeth and let out the steam later, but your son may be holding onto that anger and resentment and not know what to do with it.

What you’re doing so far is great, having him involved in your recovery should be a positive experience and it sounds like you two will be doing a lot of fun things together. Maybe also consider talking to friends and family about being more mindful of the things they say. I know there is a great article on here somewhere on what not to say to a cancer patient, or find something similar and share it with them. If they could please leave their comments on how you look and whatever crackpot thing they read on reddit to themselves or share it with you in private.


PS: I loved horseback riding as a kid and took lessons in both English and Western, I still miss it!
Caring for DH John
Stage IIIC, Lymph nodes: 6/22
Chemo: FOLFOX (6)
12/17 ER and emergency surgery
02/18 Hospital w/MSSA infected port, PICC line inserted, chest CT scan showed septic emboli & blood clots
03/18 Hospital w/CDIFF
08/18 CT Scan Clear, NEMD
2018/2019/2021 Colonoscopy Clear
2019/2020/2021/2022 CT Scan Clear
2021 PET scan & MRI show one spot on liver
08/21 Liver surgery to remove spot, confirmed mCRC. Now Stage IV
09/21 Start Folfiri + Avastin
03/22 CEA Rise, continuing chemo


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