Several years ago, I went though hypnosis for a medical reason. Before the session, I had a get-to-know you talk with the psychologist. It turned out that she did volunteer work with HIV patients, helping them with anxiety and pain control. One thing she mentioned that I never forgot: she reminded them how lucky they were to have the time to say goodbye. Unlike say someone who dies suddenly of a heart attack or in a car accident, these patients had TIME.
You’re Stage III, I’m Stage IV — we both still have time to make the best of whatever time we have left, to say our goodbyes, the give forgiveness to ourselves and others, to give love, to leave no affections unspoken, to leave our mark. Maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe years ... but we have the time to make it happen. As much as I want to go back to the time before DX, I recognize this period as a gift.
Sorry to get all sappy on you. Hope this helps. As others have said, the fear of recurrence is normal and understandable. So turn it around by making today count - that’s my strategy (it works better some days than others).
Nov-2009 Early stage CRC found during routine colonoscopy
2010, 2011, 2014 Follow up colonoscopies, all clear
Jun-2016 CRC found during routine follow up colonoscopy, surgery, Stage 4, KRAS, MSS, inoperable lung mets
Aug-2016-May-2018 Folfox, 5FU & Avastin, 5FU, Folfiri & Cyramza
Aug/Sep-2018 YAG laser surgeries (Germany) on both lungs, 11 nodules (9 mets) removed
Nov-2018 clean CT scan
Mar-2019 New lung nodules
April-2019 Xeloda + Avastin
July-2019 ... add SBRT