A nightmare X 2?

[Punky44]

As many of you know, I have been a member here for nearly a month since my mom was diagnosed with RC.

I am so grateful for finding this wealth of information and support—I continue to advocate for the best care for my mom to get her to NED in large part to the advice on this forum.

As many of you said would happen, we do “feel better” now that a plan to fight this is formulated.

But I’m finding I personally have become just absolutely terrified of also having colorectal cancer myself (hence, a nightmare times 2.)

I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, so these feelings come as no surprise to my family but nonetheless I am just paralyzed by fear. I am definitely scheduling a colonoscopy (waiting for the GP scheduling office to call me back today in fact) but I fear it could be weeks before I am seen.

I am 34 and up until my mom’s diagnosis, I never once thought about this particular type of cancer (though I convinced myself of multiple other cancers I thought for sure I had.) But now that this one has become real for my mom, I fear it’s going to be real for me too. I have had small amounts of rectal bleeding dating back 15 years to my college days and I have always been told by docs that it is due to fissures and/or hemmroids. It’s actually the one thing I never freaked out over because it’s just been an on and off phenomenon for as long as I can remember and is almost always associated with straining. Then since my mom’s diagnosis, I have had loose stools that come out in pieces literally every day. And today I have a pain in my lower left side. I know stress/anxiety can cause a change in bowel movements and digestive issues, but it just fuels my fear even further.

I just pray I can get this colonoscopy and be proven wrong.

Did any other caregivers experience this fear? I feel bad that I’m taking any energy away from being a caregiver for my mom to freak out about myself but I just spiral so easily.

[bitchslapped]

But I’m finding I personally have become just absolutely terrified of also having colorectal cancer myself (hence, a nightmare times 2.)

I have been diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder, so these feelings come as no surprise to my family but nonetheless I am just paralyzed by fear. I am definitely scheduling a colonoscopy (waiting for the GP scheduling office to call me back today in fact) but I fear it could be weeks before I am seen.

Did any other caregivers experience this fear? I feel bad that I’m taking any energy away from being a caregiver for my mom to freak out about myself but I just spiral so easily.

Punky44,

It appears what you are really asking is do any other caregivers have severe anxiety disorder. I didn't & haven't noticed others on this forum that have shared anxiety to that level. All caregivers & patients are going to have some degree of anxiety, worry, despair. I mean: How can you NOT

There is one dx'd patient so far & that appears to be your mother = Nightmare #1, period. As far as your issues, a colonoscopy now or a few weeks or even a few months out w/n change a dx for you.

No doubt you are a big help to your mom in many ways, but she gets to be the patient here, not you...@ least for now. Fear adds nothing to the equation, counterproductive. But you can't tell someone that who suffers from anxiety just due to everyday living.

Obviously w/a dx of severe anxiety disorder you have sought medical help. Consider joining an online community of others w/like dx to yours.

The last person who should know about your severe anxiety over this is your mother. She has enough to carry right now & doesn't need the guilt.

Sounds like a healthy eating plan + daily exercise may be mandatory for you to relieve some of the stress. Caregiving is a gift of love & an enormous stress. It is taxing mentally, emotionally, physically & mostly carried out in silence b/c the patient has enough to carry & process. Hopefully you have friends, others to which you can confide.

Best Wishes
BS

[AppleTree]

Take a deep breath. 1 step at a time. Schedule a colonoscopy so that worry is off your list. I find it very relaxing to journal or color in one of those complex coloring books at night. At first I thought it silly, but on a friend's recommendation, I continued. I have a daily type of journal. When I first started I always had to write the weather...just to get me started and so I was not looking at a blank page. I end each day with a sentence about something that I was thankful during the day. These 2 activities have really helped me end my day on a relaxing, peaceful and thankful note.

[Punky44]

Thank you both so much. BS, you are so right—I will probably need to keep coming back to re-read your words when I start to spiral. AppleTree, thank you for the suggestions for relaxation techniques—I need alllll the advice I can get in that area. Today I had to listen to a mediation app while doing dishes bc I felt like I couldn’t breathe :/

[Punky44]

After a tear-filled consultation at the GI they were able to squeeze me in for a colonoscopy this Friday. I am praying everything will be ok.

[Nohogirl]

Praying for you Punky. Come back with good news.

[Trying]

Im sure everything will ne ok but understand your anxieties.

[dliu]

Hi Punky44,

I feel you. I don't have an anxiety disorder and yet suffered from severe panic attacks for about a month and a half when my mum was first diagnosed, and started being more aware of my own body, so any small ache became a big thing in my head. Worth getting checked, but not worth panicking over, as you have enough on your plate to panic over. It gets a bit better with time in a strange way, because you learn to adapt to the situation, I think. This forum was a great help. Stay strong, and most importantly take care of yourself.

[Punky44]

I am happy and relieved to report my colonoscopy was clear! I was so happy I started sobbing and the nurses were like um..why are you upset. Ha.

Due to my family history, they said I should do another in 5 years.

Thank you for helping me through this with your advice. Now I can focus 100% on my mom without this in the back of my mind.

[Kelism]

Hello. I’m 35 & caregiver to my mom as well. I too fear the nightmare x2. I too have anxiety about it and sometimes brief panic attacks. So many of my friends just agree that what we go through warrants it. Some have suggested cbd edibles to take the edge off the anxiety (now legal here in Canada). Hope your test comes back clear. You’re not alone with the way you’re feeling about your situation.