Feeling really sad and in need of support
Posted: Fri May 25, 2018 8:56 am
This is such a wonderful forum and community, everyone is so wonderful and supportive. I feel bad abut writing such a downer post but I'm in a really rough place at the moment. I just finished my fourth treatment and it's just so hard - they haven't reduced the Oxi yet so maybe I need to ask them about that. Even though I've found a way to make treatments a bit easier by doing restricted calorie-fasting, it's still so hard to get through them. I absolutely hate being connected to the pump for two days, I get anticipatory nausea on the drive to the appointments, I can barely drink even lukewarm water during treatment and always end up dehydrated which obviously makes me feel even worse (they gave me fluids on disconnect this time which helped and I think I'll need to do that going forward). I wonder how I'm going to find the strength to go through however many more rounds I need, which at Stage IV could be many.
I read stories of Stage IV survivors and people getting to NED, and I feel encouraged - but then I read about others who don't make it and it gets me down...and I just feel so terrible for everyone dealing with this terrible disease. Sometimes I feel like I want to quit treatment and enjoy whatever time I have left without all this suffering...but I only just started this journey and I know I need to keep fighting.
I really do enjoy my good days, and cherish the time I get to spend with my friends and family. I schedule my life in advance around my good weeks so I have something to look forward to. My mom and husband are my only family and have been wonderful, but I feel terrible that they need to go through this too. My friends have been so supportive and amazing, which I am grateful for. My mother-in-law is coming to visit from Australia soon for over a month, which I am looking forward to (she's lovely), but I am sad I will have so much time when I won't even be well enough to spend time with her, and keep thinking that this may be the last time I see her.
I go to a counselor, which helps, but I've always been an over-thinker and it's hard to deal with my thoughts sometimes. I come from an abusive background and as a result have never been a particularly positive person, have dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life...I try to take it a day at a time but I already just feel so worn down and sad. Cancer really sucks and it's so very unfair that we have to deal with this terrible disease.
I read stories of Stage IV survivors and people getting to NED, and I feel encouraged - but then I read about others who don't make it and it gets me down...and I just feel so terrible for everyone dealing with this terrible disease. Sometimes I feel like I want to quit treatment and enjoy whatever time I have left without all this suffering...but I only just started this journey and I know I need to keep fighting.
I really do enjoy my good days, and cherish the time I get to spend with my friends and family. I schedule my life in advance around my good weeks so I have something to look forward to. My mom and husband are my only family and have been wonderful, but I feel terrible that they need to go through this too. My friends have been so supportive and amazing, which I am grateful for. My mother-in-law is coming to visit from Australia soon for over a month, which I am looking forward to (she's lovely), but I am sad I will have so much time when I won't even be well enough to spend time with her, and keep thinking that this may be the last time I see her.
I go to a counselor, which helps, but I've always been an over-thinker and it's hard to deal with my thoughts sometimes. I come from an abusive background and as a result have never been a particularly positive person, have dealt with depression and anxiety my whole life...I try to take it a day at a time but I already just feel so worn down and sad. Cancer really sucks and it's so very unfair that we have to deal with this terrible disease.