I've been at this cancer crap for almost 10 years. As you can see from my signature, I've had recurrences over the years in my ovaries, lung, abdominal scar, and now ribs. I have been blessed to have lead a full, active and happy life through it all. I've raised my 4 kids, taken amazing vacations with the best friends in the world, and have laid down each night next to the most supportive and loving husband.
Everybody tells me what a warrior I am. I think it's just my Irish trait of living in denial. I had cancer, but this was not going to be my life. My kids weren't going to be the kids with the sick mom. I ran the NY marathon! I take boot camp classes and yoga! I started a local charity to raise money for working women on the edge of poverty who need help when facing a monetary crisis! I mentor new cancer patients when facing their initial diagnosis. (First advice: get some xanax!
As I face this newest recurrence in my ribs, I am also dealing with pain for the first time (when not recovering from a surgery). I'm not as active because of it. I had radiation to help with the pain but it didn't do it all so I'm back on chemo. I hate chemo because of how shitty I feel for so long and now with the pain, it's the first time I feel like a cancer patient. I just never really did before...this was something I was just managing...you know, like diabetes.
Anyway, I'm just venting, I guess. I know what my reality is. This recurrence seems scarier than the others. I'm scared. And I don't know how to be vulnerable to my loved ones. I'm strong for them..they are strong for me. I know that I will be able to and I should, but if I say it, it's real, right?
So for now, I'll just say it to you all, who I've come to admire over the years: I'm scared I'm going to die. And I'm scared it's going to be long and painful.
Thanks for listening.