I hear you. I haven't had cancer for as long as you did, but I'm a survivor of multiple traumas of various severity and nature and I have been feeling a bit worn out too. I can't imagine you and many others on this forum who have been fighting this for so many years....
I was just ranting to my family the other day that "when does this C-thing end really?" What really sucks is the absence of a definite end to anxiety and fear even we are in remission. Unlike some traumas I have gone through before, wounds heal, scars fade, probably some mobility is not there 100%, but the C-thing actually lurks around somewhere for a very long time. I also wondered if gratefulness can co-exist with anger. Grateful for still being here, angry for being here while having life compromised by medical episodes.
Lately I found out meditation really helps to clear these thoughts a bit. It's something you can do even on hospital bed, just download some meditation music or sound and try to meditate while taking deep breath. It helps you to focus on "being" and be "present" but away from toxic negative vibes. It was hard at first, I couldn't even do it for 3 minutes, but slowly I could do it for longer.
May the force be with you!
F/38 - Dx 8 Mar 17, CEA 80.5
Stage IV Sig. Colon, 6 Liver mets, T3N0M1a, KRAS NRAS Wild, G2=Moderately differentiated
3/17- 6/17 - 6 rounds of FOLFOX + Erbitux - CEA 2.5
7/17 - 1st Liver resect/Colon/Gall, all clear margin
8/17 - 2nd Liver resec
9-12/17' - completed 13 rounds of FOLFOX - CEA 1.0
1/18 - Clear PET SCAN - CEA 1.4
3/18 - Clear MRI - CEA 0.8
6/30 - PET SCAN showed a lung nodule that grew from 5mm to 8mm - CEA 1.0
Aug - VATs done, colon met cfm