Why Am I Still Here???

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tdsamal
Posts: 619
Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:49 am
Facebook Username: malby.tammy
Location: Salem Oregon

Why Am I Still Here???

Postby tdsamal » Thu Feb 08, 2018 10:38 pm

Many don't know me because I've had this crap now for 8.5 years. I was a regular on the forum for the first three years and then I slowly got away from it. Every year I would update on my anniversary. The last two years I didn't even do that because I was in treatment. Well here I am again. I was scanned in Nov and told things looked great! Then 10 days later ended up in the ER with a deflated left lung. The cause, well seems like a small tumor was blocking the lung. Didn't show up in the C-scan. So back into chemo and radiation. Then I get pneumonia. Not good. I spent 15 days in the hospital during Christmas and New Years. I finish my chemo and radiation and 4 weeks later I'm back with pneumonia. When will this end? I have been fighting cancer every year now for to long. I'm tired and worn out. Some days I wonder if it is all worth it. This last round was so hard on me. I had a 24 hour chemo pump, 7 days a week for 6 week plus my radiation and I just don't think I can do any more. I'm already worried about the next time and it's not even here yet! Dr. says I should be glad that I'm still here. I am but I just worry about how bad it's going to be in the end. If you have read this far thank you for listening to me rant!
Tammy
Dx st IV CC & colon resection 11/09
Way to much to list
Last recurrence December 2017

lovelife789
Posts: 23
Joined: Thu Aug 24, 2017 5:28 am

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby lovelife789 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 1:18 am

Hi Tammy,

I hear you. I haven't had cancer for as long as you did, but I'm a survivor of multiple traumas of various severity and nature and I have been feeling a bit worn out too. I can't imagine you and many others on this forum who have been fighting this for so many years....

I was just ranting to my family the other day that "when does this C-thing end really?" What really sucks is the absence of a definite end to anxiety and fear even we are in remission. Unlike some traumas I have gone through before, wounds heal, scars fade, probably some mobility is not there 100%, but the C-thing actually lurks around somewhere for a very long time. I also wondered if gratefulness can co-exist with anger. Grateful for still being here, angry for being here while having life compromised by medical episodes.

Lately I found out meditation really helps to clear these thoughts a bit. It's something you can do even on hospital bed, just download some meditation music or sound and try to meditate while taking deep breath. It helps you to focus on "being" and be "present" but away from toxic negative vibes. It was hard at first, I couldn't even do it for 3 minutes, but slowly I could do it for longer.

May the force be with you!
F/38 - Dx 8 Mar 17, CEA 80.5
Stage 4 Sigmoid Colon, 6 Liver mets, T3N0M1a, KRAS NRAS Wild, G2=Moderately differentiated
3/17- 6/17 - 6 rounds of FOLFOX + Erbitux - CEA 2.5
7/17- 8/17 - 2-stage Liver Resection/Colon/Gall, all clear margin
8/25 - CEA 0.7
9/11 - Started Adjuvant chemo Xelox
9/15 - Intense reaction to Xeloda, it was dropped
9/22 - Folfox resumes, severe allergic reaction to Oxi
11/17 - Clear MRI
10-12/17 - completed 6 full rounds of FOLFOX
1/18 - Clear PET SCAN

Ron50
Posts: 638
Joined: Fri Feb 10, 2006 7:04 pm

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Ron50 » Fri Feb 09, 2018 5:55 pm

Hi Tammy,
I've been cancer free for over 20 years now ,but it never leaves you alone I had a scope last year and they removed four polyps the largest 11 mm. I spent time in hospital with vertigo attacks in Jan and feb . They found an atrial flutter and I have been put on warfarin. When you are a survivor there is always something to survive. Best of luck with the latest lot, Hugs Ron.
dx 1/98
st 3 c 6 nodes
48 sessions 5Fu/levamisole
no recurrence cea <.5
numerous l/t side effects of chemo

Lee
Posts: 5455
Joined: Sun Apr 16, 2006 4:09 pm

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Lee » Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:43 pm

(((Tammy)))

I am so sorry to read your latest post. That is scary when a scan did not pick that nasty tumor. I hope the chemo and radiation throw it into the next universe.

I hope 2018 bring you better news, health wise.

Lee
rectal cancer - April 2004
46 yrs old at diagnoses
stage III C - 6/13 lymph positive
radiation - 6 weeks
surgery - August 2004/hernia repair 2014
permanent colostomy
chemo - FOLFOX
NED - 10 years and counting!

User avatar
CRguy
Posts: 9403
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby CRguy » Fri Feb 09, 2018 8:58 pm

tdsamal wrote:If you have read this far thank you for listening to me rant!
Tammy

Why Am I Still Here???
...... Because ... THIS is the best support forum on the net
... and YOU are our homie and we luvs ya'
... and ... RANTS AND VENTS are necessary, as you well know
... BUTT not that I would know anything about ranting and venting :shock:

You are still here because you are one of US
and we take care of family

MEGA Harmony Tammy
Always On the Journey with you
CRguy
Caregiver x 3
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
10 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing totally randomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

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O Stoma Mia
Posts: 1060
Joined: Sat Jun 22, 2013 6:29 am

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby O Stoma Mia » Sat Feb 10, 2018 2:46 am

Hi Tammy,

Thanks for checking in !! It was really nice to hear from you again, but I'm sad to hear that you are having such a difficult time now. I hope that 2018 brings better health and a brighter outlook.

We remember many of your earlier posts about your beloved teaching job and your students. I'll bet your students really miss you now.

    Any school teachers out there?
In 2010, tdsamal wrote:I am a teacher in Elementary school (K-5). I teach computer skills to all 6 grades. Right after my dx I had a staff meeting and explained what was going to happen and how long I was going to be gone. Surprisingly the whole staff wanted updates on the whole process. I talked with our school counselor about what to tell the students of anything. Some of the upper grade class teachers felt the students should know what was going on so the counsleor went to each 3rd,4th and 5th grade classes and explained in kid terms what I was going through. I was a basket case when I was first dx and didn't feel that I could do this myself. She was wonderful and answered all of the kids questions.The kids made videos for me while I was out and we kept in touch often. I came back to work at 6 weeks and they were glad to see me. I showed them my pump during chemo weeks and they were very interested and ask many questions. None of them felt scared at all because they knew what to expect because we had told them for the begining. When I went for my lung resection the only thing that was said was that I needed to go back to the hospital again to get better and the kids all understood. Unfortuneatly I didn't get to go back before school was out but we did do a Skype session the last day of school from the hospital and they could all see that I was ok. I am now back at school. This is the first week and they are just as happy to see me as I am to see them. One student even said "Mrs. Malby you look like your all grown up!" We think she meant I looked like I was feeling better! :D

stu
Posts: 631
Joined: Sat Aug 17, 2013 5:46 pm

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby stu » Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:14 am

Hi ,
I have missed you . Glad you popped by to say hello .
Sorry your having it rough . Still hoping it picks up for you .
Stu
supporter to my mum who lives a great life despite a difficult diagnosis
stage4 2009 significant spread to liver
2010 colon /liver resection
chemo following recurrence
73% of liver removed
enjoying life treatment free
2016 lung resection
Oct 2017 nice clear scan . Two lung nodules disappeared

User avatar
Robino1
Posts: 343
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 12:09 pm
Facebook Username: Robin.lawthers
Location: Florida

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Robino1 » Sat Feb 10, 2018 8:17 am

Hi Tammy

Rant and vent away! You've gone through so much and you are an inspiration to me. I hope to keep fighting for years.
Cancer is not for sissies!!! :)
At 54 2014 1st colonoscopy colon cancer detect
Colon resect margins clear. No chemo Stage II
2017
Distend abd, pain in intestines.
CT scan seeding & Ascites
Lap diag - cancer on the omentum
CEA 217 CEA 219
FOLFOX started 6/17
CEA 202 Not genetic
8/29/17 CT excellent melting of tumor.
12/8/17 Markedly decr ant peritoneal nodularity since 8/29/17 compat w/ marked posi respns to therapy
CEA: (2017)9/30 -109; 10/12 -99.1; 11/4 -90.7; 11/30 -70.7; 12/14 -83.4; (2018)1/4 -73.3; 2/1-84.2 Damnit
BRAF V600e

Mattie
Posts: 51
Joined: Fri Mar 07, 2014 1:06 am

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Mattie » Sat Feb 10, 2018 11:48 pm

Hi Tammy,

Hang in there. I hope 2018 is better for you. HUGS
4/10 debulk, DX stage IVb, 49yo
5/10-11/11 Folfox, then Xeloda/Avastin
4/13 Resect liver met + pelvic node
7/14 SBRT 15 mm Liver & node
12/14 SBRT 8 mm Liver met
3/16 4-5 pelvic nodes, Xeloda/Avastin again
8/17 NED! Dropping xeloda. Avastin only.
2/18 still NED Avastin only

User avatar
tdsamal
Posts: 619
Joined: Tue Dec 29, 2009 12:49 am
Facebook Username: malby.tammy
Location: Salem Oregon

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby tdsamal » Sun Feb 11, 2018 12:30 am

Thanks guys. I was just having a little pity party. Don't do that often but when I do its because I'm really down. I know you guys understand it well. This last 2 months have not been great. After the Nov scan I was on top of the world thinking I might have just beaten this thing. Then I end up in the hospital in horrible pain the the Dr. tells me that my lung has collapsed. 2 Days later I find out that there is a tumor blocking the airway. I wanted to be home for Christmas and they said NO. My only thought was I may not be here next Christmas please let me go for this Christmas. But it wasn't meant to be. I was just to sick to leave. I am doing better but still have days when I just don't feel well and I'm just tired of being sick. Wishing everyone on this board good luck with their treatments.
Tammy
Dx st IV CC & colon resection 11/09
Way to much to list
Last recurrence December 2017

User avatar
Atoq
Posts: 99
Joined: Wed Oct 25, 2017 9:31 am

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Atoq » Sun Feb 11, 2018 3:54 am

I am really sorry for your situation, I had pneumonia in 2000 and I remember being extremely weak after. Even tidying up the bed would leave me exhausted. And I was a long distance runner at that time! So do not underestimate the effect of pneumonia, which might really contribute to your tiredeness right now. A big hug!

Best

Claudia
45 year old, mother of 2
Dx rectal cancer October 2017
At least T3N2aMX (suspect metastasis to one lung 8 mm)
Lynch negative
Neoadjuvant chemoradiotherapy Xeloda + 25x2 Gy
05.12.17 laparotomic surgery for blockage, colostomy
25.01.18 laparotomic lar, histerectomy, ileostomy

DarknessEmbraced
Posts: 2901
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:54 pm
Facebook Username: Riann Fletcher
Location: New Brunswick, Canada

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby DarknessEmbraced » Mon Feb 12, 2018 12:12 pm

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time!*hugs* I hope chemo and radiation get rid of your tumor!*hugs*
Diagnosed 10/28/14, age 36
Colon Resection 11/20/14, LAR (no illeo)
Stage 2a colon cancer, T3NOMO
Lymph-vascular invasion undetermined
0/22 lymph nodes
No chemo, no radiation
Clear Colonoscopy 04/29/15
NED 10/20/15
Ischemic Colitis 01/21/16
NED 11/10/16
CT Scan moved up due to high CEA 08/21/17
NED 09/25/17

AppleTree
Posts: 153
Joined: Fri Mar 18, 2016 8:16 am

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby AppleTree » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:11 pm

My! Better an early warning than a late one. So sorry for your troubles. I fight because my son is now 14 and have seen many members of the family walk the cancer road. When he was 7 his Dad had a 3 kg tumor (6.6 pounds) that was successfully removed. So, he clings on to that hope, but man oh man, am I ever tired and he is a typical active boy. This forum gives us all a group of people who really relate and understand what we are going through. Best wishes for your new treatment. Zap it!
Diag Feb 5, 2016 Age 45
3 cm tumor 5 cm from verge
Radiation + Xeloda pills - 3000mg 5x week
March 14 - April 16 - 25 sessions
Tumor shrunk just over 50% Lymph nodes 0/13
Operation to remove rectum with temp Ileo June 17
Reversal July 20 due to infection
Acute hepatitis August. Chemo cancelled
June to September 2016 - 58 days in hospital

2017
June 16, MRI shadow in lung
Pet scan - 6.6mm Met in Upper right lobe
July 30 VAT surgery Mass General/Boston
August 24 port installed
August 30 Folfox

User avatar
Shana
Posts: 224
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 9:45 pm
Location: Sonoma, CA

Re: Why Am I Still Here???

Postby Shana » Mon Feb 12, 2018 11:33 pm

CRguy wrote:
tdsamal wrote:If you have read this far thank you for listening to me rant!
Tammy

Why Am I Still Here???
...... Because ... THIS is the best support forum on the net
... and YOU are our homie and we luvs ya'
... and ... RANTS AND VENTS are necessary, as you well know
... BUTT not that I would know anything about ranting and venting :shock:

You are still here because you are one of US
and we take care of family

MEGA Harmony Tammy
Always On the Journey with you
CRguy


I can't say it any better than CRguy! We're here for you because you're one of us, the best support forum on the net that no one wanted to join!

Wishing you strength and comfort as you deal with this damn disease again!
DX - 12/16
MSS - KRAS wild
Stage IV CC with liver mets
5FU - Failed twice - 1/17 and 3/17
Irinotecan + Cetuximab: 8/17 - 2 wks on, 1 wk off to lessen side effects
CEA 12/17 - 38.7! 1/18 - 33! 2/18-36.5
CT-Scan 9/1/17. Shrinkage of liver mets (4 measurable) and no bowel blockage
CT=Scan 12/1/17 Shrinkage of liver mets continue, no blockage

Removal of primary tumor and resection still on back burner. Have to be able to be OFF chemo one month prior and one month after surgery and evaluate benefit vs risk.


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