I hear more than worry about cancer in your post. I hear someone who feels like she's alone and that no one is listening to her. The colonoscopy and CT scan should provide answers about whether or not you have cancer, but actually I'm more concerned about your spirit than your body. You deserve to be listened to by your doctors. You deserve to have caring supportive people in your life that you can lean on right now. You say you have your husband, 1-2 friends, and your children. Be honest with them. Explain that you need their support right now to get through this because you feel completely depleted. Let them take care of you in their own unique ways, but don't be afraid to ask if you need something specific. The people who love you want to help you, so let them know what would help the most.
Illness in any form, cancer or something else, is draining, mentally, physically, and spiritually. Here are some things I've learned from my journey in the cancer world.
1. Trust your gut. If you feel like something is wrong, push your doctors (or find new doctors) until someone listens to you.
2. Remember: You are not alone. You say you have your husband, 1-2 friends, and your children. Lean on them. Explain that you need their support right now in the worst possible way. Also, lean on us. It's weirdly comforting to know that you have dozens of new friends right here waiting to help you -- not in a misery-loves-company way, but in an inspirational they-came-out-the-other-side-and-so-will-I sort of way.
3. Connect with something bigger. Go for a walk outside, meditate, whatever brings you happiness. Just getting your mind off your situation for a few hours is calming and centering. There's a lot to be said for distracting yourself while you're waiting for test results.
4. Getting any kind of control of this situation will make you feel better. Go for the tests and ask when the results will be available. Then ask for copies of all test results. If it is cancer, we can help you get through it.
5. Be good to yourself. Try to do something you enjoy every day. That might mean watching a favorite tv show, reading, or taking a long bath. Doing anything that produces a positive emotion can decrease stress hormones and build emotional strength.
6. Don't forget that every day counts. Once you've done everything you can do to get the ball rolling (colonoscopy, CT scan, CEA test, etc. ), then there is absolutely nothing that worrying about it will do for you, except suck the joy out of every moment. Don't waste time worrying about what might or might not happen. Focus on what you can control and let go of the rest.
Hope this helps!
Stage IV, liver/lung mets 8/4/2010
Xelox+Avastin 8/18/10 to 10/21/11
LAR, liver resec, HAI pump 11/11
Double lung surgery + ileo reversal 2/12
Adjuvant Xeloda 3-9/12
VATS rt. lung 12/21/12 - benign granuloma!
NED 3/17/12 to 12/13/2017, CEA<1