Hello there!
I am not sure what the purpose of my posting this is, if not just to hear that I’m not alone in being an emotional train wreck.
I had a recent recurrence followed by a successful lobectomy two months ago. Physically, all signs seem are positive. Emotionally though, I can not keep it together. I thought I was done and had beaten it, and after the recurrence feel defeated and helpless. I keep invisioning my young children having to watch their mom die from this bastard of a disease, and it is literally more than I can handle. I can’t sleep, I’m crabby all the time, I don’t enjoy things that I used to love (exercise, reading, church, my kids), and am not functioning at work as a teacher. My positive attitude and hopefulness have been replace by despair and resentment.
On top of that, I have immense guilt for these feelings. I am being irrational and insensitive. I’m technically NED and should’ve celebrating, but instead I’m miserable and paralyzed with fear. This recurrence shook to my core, and I seem to be letting it shake the hope out of me too. I’m failing at living my regular life, a gift.
What the hell do I do from here!? I know the simple answer is anti depressants, but is that really it? I hate how I feel on medication.