Bit of a rant incoming...
A couple of weeks ago i recieved the news that I had a complete pathological response to treatment confirmed via surgery. My girlfriend cried tears of joy, my family and friends drank for me...and I am at my lowest point of misery as of yet.
They seem so confused why I'm not jumping for joy but all I can think of is my youth being denied, crapping out my stomach into a bag!, fear of my body failing me, fear of not having a family, fear of my manly parts not working, quality of life shot, losing everyone, functioning but not "living", guilty for bringing misery upon everyone, "making it work", the trauma of the process so far etc etc all at 30.
My thoughts are spiralling. Its the first time I felt hopeless when I've recieved the most hopeful news yet. Worst yet I'm making others feel hopeless, loved ones that hold that hope dear. I'm screaming "damage done!" basically. I hope to ride this out to some new point of clarity probably after the reversal surgery. I used to lift myself up, after the surgery i can't seem too.