We Need Some Laughs Here: Reloaded 2018

[CRguy]

O/T reply to " ingestable debris" story above
This is more ODD than Haw Haw.

As a vet, a partial list of items I've surgically removed from patients :

TV remote control - Great Dane
oven mitt ( with asbestos lining ) - Dalmation
6 foot electrical extension cord chewed into 2" chunks - same Dalmation !
rubber faucet washer - ferret
owner's bra - Irish Setter
different owner's panties - different Irish Setter
popsicle sticks - Irish Wolfhound
almost anything swallowable - a multitude of Beagles
strings, ornaments, small toys - a multitude of cats

ALL patients survived and went on to cost their owners more in vet fees !
Most owners were NOT amused .... BUTT .... ya gotta admit some of this stuff is
funny at some level

Cheers
CR

[peanut_8]

don't get me started on labradors and underwear

[peanut_8]

A man has been drinking, alone, all day at a bar.

He puts down his G&T, and proceeds to check his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him:
-So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool:
-Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers.

The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds:
-The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.

[Maggie Nell]

Oh, you're going to hell for that one...........

[CRguy]

thinkin' maybe Maggie gots it right sista' nut
I can hear Gollum now
" we are waaaaiting for you ... my non precious .... "

[CRguy]

Then again ..... there are some quasi non-PC jokes from years gone by :

two golfers had been going out every week, for the past 20 years
they had never missed a game !!!
they are out on the 14th hole ready to tee off.
first guy slices badly and curses a mean streak
turning the air BLUE !!!!

his partner laughs and gets ready to tee off ... BUTT
all of a sudden a long funeral procession of limos drives along the road next to the golf course.
the golfer takes off his hat and stands silently until the cars have passed
Then puts on his cap and tees off with a great green shot

His buddy says to him " sorry man, if I'd known you were so religious I would not have sworn like that."

The reply
" That's Ok buddy, she was a good wife for 30 years, it was the least I could do. "




HOWEVER ... we do need to hear more about the Labradors and underwear

YES I am now thinking this topic SHOULD be rated " R "
No, not restricted ... R = READ at your own peril

[justin case]

A man has been drinking, alone, all day at a bar.

He puts down his G&T, and proceeds to check his clock.

"1:30am, fuck. I need to go home now or my wife's going to ripp my balls off" - Thinks to himself.
But as he's trying to get up, he falls awkwardly to the floor.

"I'm just way too drunk right now, I need to sober up"
So he asks the barman for a coffee, he drinks it up and 30 minutes later he tries to stand up, but again, falling to the floor, this time, even harder.

At this point he realizes he needs to get home no matter what, so he starts crawling towards his house.
After 40 minutes he gets there, lays down next to his (asleep) wife and passes out.

The next morning his wife wakes him up and starts shouting at him:
-So... how was last night, huh? Was it fun drinking all day?

The man is 100% sure his wife was asleep when he got home so he tries to play it cool:
-Not really, just hanging with some coworkers... we didn't drink much... just a couple of beers.

The woman starts nodding sarcastically and responds:
-The bar owner called this morning, your wheelchair's there, you dumbfuck.

Similar although true experience . I was 15 and there was a Christmas party at the restaurant I was working at. I don't know what possessed me to drink some rye whisky, but anywhose I did. Looking older than I should have, I went to Kansas just across the border, and drank at a few bars, and purchased a 6 pack of Coors beer … I didn't know that until the next morning, when my father was sitting with it in his hand, and after cleaning up a lot of puke the night before, he asked "So where were you last night "

[peanut_8]

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell.

The devil decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

The devil, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature. He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to put the heating back down. He enters the room to see the Canadians having a barbecue. Furiously, he asks them what they're doing.

"Well, we can't pass up this wonderful weather without getting out the barbecue!"

The devil realizes he's been doing the wrong thing. He goes to the boiler room and turns it down until it's at a colder temperature than ever seen on earth. He knows he's won now, so he goes back to the Canadians' room, only to see them jumping up and down in excitement.

He shouts at them in fury, "WHY ARE YOU STILL HAPPY?!?!?!"

They look at him and shout at the same time, "Hell froze over! That means the Leafs won!"

[peanut_8]

Similar although true experience . I was 15 and there was a Christmas party at the restaurant I was working at. I don't know what possessed me to drink some rye whisky, but anywhose I did. Looking older than I should have, I went to Kansas just across the border, and drank at a few bars, and purchased a 6 pack of Coors beer … I didn't know that until the next morning, when my father was sitting with it in his hand, and after cleaning up a lot of puke the night before, he asked "So where were you last night

Still don't really care for whiskey after that one time of over-indulgence in college.

[Maggie Nell]

[Maggie Nell]

[Maggie Nell]

[Maggie Nell]

[Maggie Nell]

[Maggie Nell]