I'm officially separated

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Aqx99
Posts: 403
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:28 am
Facebook Username: aqx99
Location: Pfafftown, NC

I'm officially separated

Postby Aqx99 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 4:58 am

I met with my husband last night. I told him I thought it would be for the best if we got a divorce. He was shocked. He had brought me a gift, trying to win me back. We have both been unhappy for a very long time, even before I was diagnosed. I mentioned several times that his drinking was a major factor for me, he said absolutely nothing in response. I also told him that he was the one that made the decision for me, by choosing to contact the ex-girlfriend that he cheated on me with when we were dating. He had promised me zero contact when we got back together. I told him then that contact was a deal breaker. He didn't see what the big deal was. I told him that it means I can't ever trust another promise that he makes because of it. He agreed to go the cheap, yet extended route with me. In NC, you can have a do-it-yourself divorce if you stay separated for a year. All you have to do is file the paperwork after the year is up, have the other party served and sign the papers. It removes the huge expense of getting lawyers involved. It breaks my heart that it has come to this, I still love him. But, we have been at each other's throats for years. It's like we have become really bad roommates. He decided to be cruel near the end of the conversation, the gift he had given me was a book about Gilda Radner. He said, "it's about a woman who died from cancer, maybe you will get some inspiration from it." I made the right call.
Anne, 40
Stage IIIB Rectal Cancer
T3N1bM0
2/21/17 Dx, Age 39
2/21/17 CEA 0.9
3/23/17 - 5/2/17 Chemoradiation, 28 treatments
6/14/17 Robotic LAR w/temp loop ileostomy, ovaries & fallopian tubes removed, 2/21 lymph nodes positive
7/24/17 - 12/18/17 CapeOx, 6 Cycles
7/24/17 Dx w/ovarian cancer
9/6/17 CA 125 11.1
11/27/17 CEA 2.6
12/5/17 CT NED
12/13/17 CEA 2.9
1/11/18 CA 125 8.6
1/23/18 Reversal
3/21/18 CT enlarged thymus
4/6/18 PET NED
7/10/18 CT NED
7/11/18 CEA 2.6
9/18 Bilateral Prophylactic Mastectomy

Swirdfish
Posts: 290
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 3:57 am

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby Swirdfish » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:40 am

Im official too from the wife who once told me i deserve cancer..

Not too sure about his choice of book..

Keep strong and be well.
06/2016 Went in for colonoscopy came out with a tumor. Age 35
12cm from verge at junction. Rectal cancer.
Clinical stage T3 NO MO
Temp illestomy
Completed 5FU and Radiation
LAR surgery planned 13 Oct 2016
Completed ULAR surgery 11-10-2016.
0/22 nodes
pT3 N0 M0 R1
Stage 2A

Pathology reviewed and changed
ypT3 N0 M0 R0

Started folfox 21-11-2016
5-4-17 NED
Reversal 12-4-17

inorganic8
Posts: 50
Joined: Mon Feb 27, 2017 6:13 pm

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby inorganic8 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 7:52 am

You are both in my heart. You have experienced such cruelty when you deserve kindness and love. I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I am so glad you are removing yourself from that toxic behavior.

Your feelings are valid. You deserve kindness, respect, and love. You are strong. Keep going and don't look back for a momment. I care about you. The other good people here care about you. You are not alone.
Wife to DH with CRC
Stage IV Diagnosis 1/27/17, Mets to Liver, Omentum, Peri
KRAS Mutation, G12, MSS
Folfirinox 2/8/17
Folfiri 6/14/17
Nov. scan - disease progression
1/24/18 15-hour HIPEC surgery.
June 2018 It's back, starting Stivarga
Aug. 2018 stopping Stivarga
Sep. 2018 clinical trial of Keytruda and ibrutanib
Dec. 2018 disease progression, stopped trial
Jan. 2019 small bowel obstruction and surgery
Mar. 2019 clinical trial TAK-164
May 2019 deteriorating rapidly
June 12, 2019 At Peace

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Robino1
Posts: 463
Joined: Fri Aug 11, 2017 12:09 pm
Facebook Username: Robin.lawthers
Location: Florida

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby Robino1 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:22 am

Going through divorce is hard enough when we are healthy. It has to be even harder when you truly need more support during this time.

You both are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope you both have supportive and caring people in your life to help you.
At 54 2014 1st colonoscopy colon cancer detect
Colon resect margins clear. No chemo Stage II
2017
Distend abd, pain in intestines.
CT scan seeding & Ascites
Lap diag - cancer on the omentum
CEA 217; 219
FOLFOX started 6/17
CEA 202
8/29/17 CT melting of tumor.
Latest CT scan shows 2 new tumors and return of ascites.
CEA: (2017)9/30 -109; 10/12 -99.1; 11/4 -90.7; 11/30 -70.7; 12/14 -83.4; (2018)1/4 -73.3; 2/1-84.2; 89.2; 89.8; 88.5; 81.8: 93.5; 107; 119
BRAF V600e

James65
Posts: 383
Joined: Thu Mar 06, 2008 9:41 am
Location: Exeter, NH
Contact:

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby James65 » Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:28 am

You did make the right choice. I was diagnosed six months after leaving my wife and the entire year of my treatment she made my life hell. It was so bad my oncologist assigned a social worker to help me deal with just her and then I had to borrow a few thousand dollars from my brother and parents to hire a lawyer to protect myself from her. We did end up in court, she wouldn't stop, and the judge looked at her and said he would never give her what she wanted--she was accusing me of lying about my cancer to defraud my disability insurer and she wanted money and to end my disability insurance. She stood up and said, "Never mind."

Cancer is a nasty, nasty thing, but it gave me perfect clarity into the kind of woman I was married to.
Diagnosed with stage III rectal tumor (though probably late stage II) January 2006.
Chemo/Radiation
Full APR Surgery
Folfox Chemo
So far NED.
Oops. Liver tumor diagnosed 10/13 after elevated CEA. Liver resection for 5cm tumor 12/6/13. So far so good.
Oops again, one tumor in each lung diagnosed 8/8/16. One too small to deal with and the other resected in late September. Wait and watch for now.
Oops, another lung Met in upper left lobe on edge of previous resection scar 11/11/19.

Utwo
Posts: 270
Joined: Mon May 23, 2016 10:14 am
Location: T.O.

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby Utwo » Wed Aug 16, 2017 11:59 am

Aqx99, do you remember an advice CRguy gave you?

He is a wise man and you should listen.

You are still focused too much on your husband rather than on yourself.

Peace!
https://beta.theglobeandmail.com/life/facts-and-arguments/how-to-save-yourself-from-the-abyss-of-emotionaltrauma/article35904084/
58 yo male at diagnosis: T1bN0M0, 0/15 nodes, low grade/moderately differentiated adenocarcinoma
03/2016 colonoscopy: 2 small polyps removed in left colon; CEA = 1.3
04/2016 colonoscopy: caecum sessile 3.5 cm polyp piecemeal removed with kind of clear margins
05/2016 "prophylactic" laparoscopic right hemicolectomy - bleeding, leak, infection
06/2017 CT scan, colonoscopy OK; CEA = 1.6
A lot of funny stuff discovered by CT scans in liver, kidney, lungs, arteries, gallbladder, lymph node, pancreas

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Maggie Nell
Posts: 1143
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Central Highlands, Victoria, Oz

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby Maggie Nell » Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:10 pm

Aqx99 wrote:. He decided to be cruel near the end of the conversation, the gift he had given me was a book about Gilda Radner.
He said, "it's about a woman who died from cancer, maybe you will get some inspiration from it." I made the right call.


When Gilda Radner died a support network was started - Gilda's Club - long story short, this has morphed into the
Cancer Support Community.

http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/
http://www.cancersupportcommunity.org/FindLocation

I don't see the cruelty in giving anyone with a cancer diagnosis a copy of an autobiography where the author

.. describes just about every thought and experience, including intimate arguments with husband Gene Wilder, her fears concerning her prognosis, her many bowel blockages, losing her hair (and she means everywhere), her involvement with The Wellness Community, bulimia, jealously, her inability to bear children, and one of her biggest support systems, her dog Sparkle.

https://exploringfeminisms.com/2012/03/ ... something/


Gilda Radner was one classy lady!
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour, incidental finding following emergency R. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception (ouchies)
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX

Sorbitol is the Devil
Ordained Dudeist Priest at Dudeism, the Church of the Latter-Day Dude 8)

bitchslapped
Posts: 1534
Joined: Tue Sep 09, 2014 3:23 pm
Location: PNW/USA

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby bitchslapped » Wed Aug 16, 2017 6:31 pm

Aqx99 wrote:He decided to be cruel near the end of the conversation, the gift he had given me was a book about Gilda Radner. He said, "it's about a woman who died from cancer, maybe you will get some inspiration from it." I made the right call.


I'm going to respectfully disagree w/some previous posters. Being separated, heading for divorce is difficult enough when one is well. I think it would be rather unusual for one to turn their emotions on & off like a faucet. It's a process, & hopefully w/a little help through here, the links provided, OP can begin to process all that is happening to her, seemingly all @ once.

The statement the husband made erased all or any good intent, IMO. Most definitely high on the INSENSITIVITY scale, predictive of any future authentic compassion. There are plenty of books out there from survivors.

JMO

Best Wishes moving forward Aqx99

BS
DSS,35YO,unresect mCRC DX 7/'14,lvr,LN,peri,rib
FOLFOX+Avstn 4 Rnds d/c 10/'14
Stent 9/'14
FOLFIRI+Avstn 10/'14
Gone From My Sight 2/20/15
Me:garden variety polyps + precancerous polyp, diverticulitis
Carergver x2 DH,DM dbl occupancy,'03-'10
DH dx 47YO mCRC,'04-'07 fried x HAI
DM dx CC 85YO,CC,CHF,stroke,dementia,aphasia

benben
Posts: 323
Joined: Fri Apr 28, 2017 3:18 pm
Location: Washington State

Re: I'm officially separated

Postby benben » Wed Aug 16, 2017 8:55 pm

While I'm very sorry for the loss of your relationship.

I can say from experience, while going through all the therapies, treatments, odd visits to onc, nurses, hospital - extra cleaning needed to keep infection free etc..
It's a very heavy load, and if you have people around that while may be helping minimally, but causing loads of excess work - it's easier to not have them around.
Then you can focus fully on yourself and the requirements needed for successful treatment. I find nothing worse than stressful confrontation with family members.
It's an extra load on the immune system as well as stressful.
It's sad for sure and you can grieve and its good to let the emotions out.
But don't get stuck with them. Keep focusing on the treatment and that will help.

I had a 6 year relationship end with my diagnosis.
It also was already on the downslide, but it was a bit difficult to swallow that because of my diagnosis there's no interest in seeing me.
Also had some issues with my mother while she was here with me for my first 2 chemo sessions and then bailed.
I took issue with her continued smoking and coming in before the smoke had left clinging to her body. She also has her ailments to deal with.
Thyroid, high blood pressure, obesity. It was a mistake to ask her to come help, when she really isn't taking care of herself how could she be much help.
After a little grieving I just maintained focus on needs of treatment, keeping up health, spending some time meditating or doing yoga. My mindset has been much improved.

Good luck, best wishes
----------------------
3/29/17 diagnosed CRC - 44 y/o Male
4/17/17 ULAR - Straight anastomosis - no ostomy.
Path: low grade T3n1m0 - moderate diff.
KRAS - NO, MLH1/PMS2/MSH6/MSH2 - Normal.
5/3 med port install
5/22 folfox - first treatment.
3rd treat, delayed - low ANC - reduced to 90% OXI
zarxio all treats
Treat 7 - 75% OXI
Treats 8-12 - NO OXI, Luke & 5FU
10/20/17 CT- NED
3/18 Scope - Clean
11/8 PORT OUT!
7/20 CT - NED (3 years!)


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