The Colon Club

Sounds very much like me at the moment. The cancer part and marriage. I had a little giggle at your last line.

My wife was similar she did not come to my radiations, or chemo appointments. But is convinced that she dealt with it in a total different way. Do spouse's deal with a cancer diagnosis different then a cancer patient? I'm not sure.

Our marriage started declining years ago, and the bedroom life was pretty much no existence. However we both believe we still love each other. Is this confused by the need to stay comfortable and not deal with the whole separation issues especially when kids are involved.

I refused bedroom activities to A DEGREE while going through treatment. I wasn't comfortable with the bag, the chemo lines, or the healing scars.

We almost separated and I was getting excited about a new place, a new man cave and a single life.

Why am I still here? I guess a part of me doesn't want to leave.

Perhaps have some space and see how it all goes instead of pulling the pin directly. I don't think there is a real rush, and the end result may just be the same.

I spent a good year on the computer gaming. I drank a little. However I do neither now, I've kind of grown away from it and spend more time with the family. The wife she hated it. However now she does similar routines now, mainly with work, always at work. I support her, I think that people must be compatible and let the other do what they enjoy. I only use to game to catch up with my brothers. Don't take this the wrong way, I feel for you, it isn't nice. If cancer has taught me anything, its im going to enjoy myself, and allow others to do the same. Life is short.

U need a good ear, and just let it all go at someone. Its too stressful.

Sorry that was more about me. But we all go through it at some stage and it really sucks.

I hope things get better for you and keep going strong. Look towards a bright better future cancer free.

I guess I was expecting my husband to act similarly to my father when my mom had cancer and other major medical issues. He took care of her, dressing her wounds, giving her sponge baths, cooking, cleaning, etc. I have been living in a pig sty because my husband prefers to put trash anywhere but the trash can. Plates of food would sit in the living room for a week. I ask him to clean the bathroom and when he is done you can still see hair and dirt in the shower. I put on a mask and gloves yesterday so that I could scrub the wall in the bedroom by his side of the bed. It was covered in dried mucus and phlegm from him coughing and sneezing without covering his mouth. I kept asking him to clean it and he never would. He has the mentality of a teenager whose parents are out of town for the weekend. I have been putting up with this crap for years. His leaving was just what I needed to happen.

You really have to take care of yourself.

My parents went through something similar when my mother had breast cancer, though she was the one who left. My father couldn't cope with her cancer because of his drinking - his own life was a mess (which is true of any alcoholic) and he wasn't there for her emotionally. Addicts are pretty selfish. You're probably better off away from his negativity.

Do you have anyone else near you who can give you the emotional support you need?

Aqx99 wrote:Well, the decision has been made for me. I am not taking my husband back. [..]
I plan on meeting him in a public place and letting him know that we are through. In a way, it feels good to have
the decision made. I can start moving on from here.

Just leave a message on his wall at Facebook (that's a public place) then unfriend him.

Aqx--thought of you when I heard the song "A Little Bit Stronger" by Sara Evans. As we know, the right thing to do is generally not the easiest thing to do, know that you have the strength of us here for you in support.

A while back I told him that at the very least it would be nice to get a hug every day while I go through this ordeal. He can't even be bothered to do that for me. He lives and breathes for his beer and his computer.

Ugh, what an ASS!! I hate people like that! You are much better off with this scum bag!! Arg, what a piece of S***! I have a couple of questions....You mentioned that you had a mutual friend that was an ex, but i didn't understand what that meant. Did you mean that he was talking to the ex? Anyhow, I have never accepted my ex boyfriend (my very first love) as a friend on social media. The reason being, is because I respect my husband, daughter and our family. My ex was so in love with me that he would beg me to add him even on Instagram but I still don't. He is now married thank goodness but it was becoming an issue.

I do not add past relationships to social media. I do not think it's healthy. My husband added his ex fiance' as a friend on Facebook and she recently got divorced.
Well, she left my current husband for her ex who also had a drinking problem, big time. I would never stick around with an alcoholic. I am so sorry that you are going through this. I will pray that you will find someone else soon. Focus on your cancer and getting through. Having this support group is very handy.

My family is not close. I live in NC. My parents and one brother live in TX. My other brother is in TN. I am friends with my neighbor, she has already volunteered to drive me to my chemo infusions. I've had coworkers offer their assistance as well. My nurse navigator has been amazing, even offering to go to an Al-Anon meeting with me. I've only met with the oncology counselor once, but she seems like a really nice lady as well.

To clear up the confusion, my husband was the mutual friend between me and his ex, I don't know her. That's why Facebook suggested her to me. He promised zero contact with her. Friending her on Facebook is a violation of that promise to me.

When it comes to songs, one that has been ringing true for me right now is "You Don't Own Me" by Lesley Gore.

Oh dear, so sorry to hear that. Everything will be fine okay.

"These Boots Are Made for Walkin'" - Nancy Sinatra

I am very sorry to learn of your situation and diagnosis. I was also IIIb, discovered in July 2007. Unlike you, I had a very caring and supporting spouse so I recognize the journey for you is even harder.

Opinions on alcoholism differ from being a disease one cannot to control, to being an elective activity. I presume you view it as the latter, having wrote: "I have been dealing with my husband's alcoholism for years. It has been getting in the way of his support for me during my treatment." I don't think one would write that "my husband is an amputee, and it has been getting in the way of his support of me ...." I'm not trying to judge your opinion, just pointing out that differing views can exist.

Everything you have written has been to describe your husband as a scoundrel and miserable scumbag. Hmm few choose to marry someone like that so obviously many things have changed. So, should you now rejoice that he and his misery has left? Form a new opinion and be glad the ex has him now, along with all of his bags, baggage, and future grief? Make something negative into a positive?

I was lucky to have good spousal support, so I never had to make any choices like this. But given the choice between *no* support from a husband who is gone and *bad* support or problems from a husband who is not gone, I'd be supportive of throwing the bad news overboard and sailing away.

I truly wish you well with your care and recovery. It sounds like you have support from others and I believe that will be extremely helpful for you. Prayers for you!!!

Aqx99 wrote: . . . I am friends with my neighbor, she has already volunteered to drive me to my chemo infusions. I've had coworkers offer their assistance as well.

Is chemo infusion very far away? I drove myself to chemo infusions. I went by myself. There were others who also came to infusion by themselves. In the beginning when I was diagnosed, DH came with me (meeting surgeon, Onc, etc for the 1st time), butt early on, I went to appoints by myself. My husband had to work. Yes there are times you will need support from others, butt I believe you will find you can get yourself to and from chemo infusion by yourself.

Good luck,

Lee

I do view my husband's alcoholism as a choice. Being an amputee is not something one makes a decision on every day. He actively makes the decision to stop at a gas station and buy three 40s every day. He makes the decision, knowing that I have an appointment, to stay up all night drinking then falling asleep in said appointment. He makes the decision to leave food waste all over the house. He makes the decision to not clean when he is supposed to. He makes the decision to not cover his mouth when he coughs and get phlegm on the wall. He makes the decision to call me a bitch when I ask him to help me with tasks. Yes, it might take some sort of medical intervention to help him stop drinking, but he was the one that decided to start drinking in the first place. It's not like his body produces the alcohol on its own.

As for the rides to infusions. When I left my first infusion I had a dizzy, almost vertigo-like sensation for a while. My depth perception was a bit off because of it. I would not trust myself to drive after that. I live about 20 minutes from the cancer center, but most of the drive is on a 65mph highway.

Stay strong. Remember that no matter what someone, somewhere cares about you!

Aqx99 wrote: . . . He makes the decision to not cover his mouth when he coughs and get phlegm on the wall. . .

As for the rides to infusions. When I left my first infusion I had a dizzy, almost vertigo-like sensation for a while. My depth perception was a bit off because of it. I would not trust myself to drive after that. I live about 20 minutes from the cancer center, but most of the drive is on a 65mph highway.

That would gross me out BIG TIME, so sorry you have to put up with that (or should I say HAD to put up with it).

I never had problem with my infusion, yes if you got dizzy once, probably best to have others drive you. That falls under the catagory of needing help.

Good luck,

Lee

I know that previously when i had a drink id struggle to stop. I also used it as a stress reliever. I use to drink almost two bottles of whiskey in a single sitting. Perhaps this is why I have my current diagnosis who knows.

I know it took me a few years to overcome this without help and the wife called me an alcoholic.

I've since wised up but it is difficult.

I know that couples usually have one affected by diaherra and the other affected by constipation. One is like a screaming banshee the other closes up.

Both are destructive.

I've learnt alot from therapy. Even solo therapy.

If he isn't willing to address these issues and talk about it then hope maybe lost. Usually a third party is required.

There must be a reason why you two got together in the first place?

I learnt that I must stop my criticism and close my exits to have any chance. My efforts where not directed at my marriage which is where they belong.

Peace.