My husband walked out

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Aqx99
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:28 am
Facebook Username: aqx99
Location: Pfafftown, NC

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Aqx99 » Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:07 pm

He wasn't like this when we got married. It has been a downward trend for several years. I brought up the idea of couples counseling and he told me I was stupid.
Anne, 39
Stage IIIB Rectal Cancer
T3N1bM0
Diagnosed at age 39
2/21/17 Diagnosis
2/21/17 CEA 0.9 ng/mL
3/23/17 - 5/2/17 Chemoradiation, 28 treatments
6/14/17 Robotic LAR with temp loop ileostomy, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 2/21 lymph nodes positive
7/24/17 Started CapeOx
7/24/17 Diagnosed with precursor ovarian cancer
9/6/17 CA 125 11.1 U/mL
1/18ish Reversal

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CRguy
Posts: 9221
Joined: Sun Feb 10, 2008 6:00 pm

Re: My husband walked out

Postby CRguy » Mon Aug 07, 2017 11:48 pm

Respectfully
I was the spouse left behind and I am a guy
I have not weighed in until now, because I expected the usual :
"he was a jerk"
"he was an asshole"
"he was ... yada yada yada ...."

which you have now seen on forum from other posters

WE are your friends here
We only care about YOU !
don't know your hubby

SERIOUSLY ... having been where you ARE
WHAT DO YOU NEED TO GET YOUR LIFE BACK TOGETHER ?

all the rest of this won't get you there
BUTT ...
YOU WILL GET YOU THERE !

we are here to support you

Harmony
CRguy
Caregiver x 3
Stage IV A rectal cancer/lung met
10 Year survivor
my life is an ongoing NONrandomized UNcontrolled experiment with N=1 !
Review of my Journey so far

Swirdfish
Posts: 266
Joined: Sun Jun 19, 2016 3:57 am

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Swirdfish » Tue Aug 08, 2017 12:48 am

Anne,

The problem with most us men is we don't like to admit we have failed, or we don't like to acknowledge there is an issue. We hate to fail, we will put it all on the back shelf hoping that we will not be able to see it or it will go away. Women are very different to men. Hehe. Some of us we show our feelings in other ways or we don't think a kiss or cuddle every time we see each other is necessary.

That's not too say we are completely at fault lol.

I was the same and thought counselling was silly. There is no problem.

Kind of the best thing I did.

Even if people move on, the weeds from one paddock will eventually show up in the next paddock.

If he wont commit to help then you may need to make the hard decision.

Sorry we are so stubborn lol.
06/2016 Went in for colonoscopy came out with a tumor. Age 35
12cm from verge at junction. Rectal cancer.
Clinical stage T3 NO MO
Temp illestomy
Completed 5FU and Radiation
LAR surgery planned 13 Oct 2016
Completed ULAR surgery 11-10-2016.
0/22 nodes
pT3 N0 M0 R1
Stage 2A

Pathology reviewed and changed
ypT3 N0 M0 R0

Started folfox 21-11-2016
5-4-17 NED
Reversal 12-4-17

Aqx99
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:28 am
Facebook Username: aqx99
Location: Pfafftown, NC

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Aqx99 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:18 am

One important step I took was seeing the counselor at the cancer center. I'm seeing her again next week. If she recommends that I go to someone else due to my particular issues, I'll do that. Something else I have been doing is thinking about all the things I used to like doing, but stopped because he didn't like to do them. Like camping, I love camping and haven't been in years because he refuses to go. I'm going to start planning some camping trips for when I am well again. My nurse navigator asked me an interesting question when I called to tell her that my husband had left. She asked me who I am. I honestly didn't have an answer because I changed myself so much based on him and his wishes. That's where going back to the stuff I like to do comes in. I'm taking back my life.
Anne, 39
Stage IIIB Rectal Cancer
T3N1bM0
Diagnosed at age 39
2/21/17 Diagnosis
2/21/17 CEA 0.9 ng/mL
3/23/17 - 5/2/17 Chemoradiation, 28 treatments
6/14/17 Robotic LAR with temp loop ileostomy, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 2/21 lymph nodes positive
7/24/17 Started CapeOx
7/24/17 Diagnosed with precursor ovarian cancer
9/6/17 CA 125 11.1 U/mL
1/18ish Reversal

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Maggie Nell
Posts: 631
Joined: Wed May 27, 2015 1:57 am
Location: Melbourne, Australia

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Maggie Nell » Tue Aug 08, 2017 11:08 am

Aqx99 wrote:I do view my husband's alcoholism as a choice. Being an amputee is not something one makes a decision on every day.



I'm confused. Is your husband an amputee?

:?
DX April 2015, @ 54
35mm poorly diff. tumour found upon emergency r. hemicolectomy
for ileo-colic intussusception.
Lymph nodes: 0/22
T3 N0 MX

Aqx99
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:28 am
Facebook Username: aqx99
Location: Pfafftown, NC

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Aqx99 » Tue Aug 08, 2017 3:13 pm

Maggie Nell wrote:
Aqx99 wrote:I do view my husband's alcoholism as a choice. Being an amputee is not something one makes a decision on every day.



I'm confused. Is your husband an amputee?

:?


No, his alcoholism was compared to being an amputee. I guess suggesting that it should be treated like any other medical condition.
Anne, 39
Stage IIIB Rectal Cancer
T3N1bM0
Diagnosed at age 39
2/21/17 Diagnosis
2/21/17 CEA 0.9 ng/mL
3/23/17 - 5/2/17 Chemoradiation, 28 treatments
6/14/17 Robotic LAR with temp loop ileostomy, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 2/21 lymph nodes positive
7/24/17 Started CapeOx
7/24/17 Diagnosed with precursor ovarian cancer
9/6/17 CA 125 11.1 U/mL
1/18ish Reversal

DarknessEmbraced
Posts: 2785
Joined: Sat Nov 01, 2014 4:54 pm
Facebook Username: Riann Fletcher
Location: New Brunswick, Canada

Re: My husband walked out

Postby DarknessEmbraced » Tue Aug 08, 2017 4:53 pm

I'm so sorry you're going through this!*hugs*
Diagnosed 10/28/14, age 36
Colon Resection 11/20/14, LAR (no illeo)
Stage 2a colon cancer, T3NOMO
Lymph-vascular invasion undetermined
0/22 lymph nodes
No chemo, no radiation
Clear Colonoscopy 04/29/15
NED 10/20/15
Ischemic Colitis 01/21/16
NED 11/10/16
CT Scan moved up due to high CEA 08/21/17
NED 09/25/17

michelle c
Posts: 1844
Joined: Wed Dec 02, 2009 3:58 am

Re: My husband walked out

Postby michelle c » Wed Aug 09, 2017 8:09 am

I don't want to bad mouth your husband, just want to say that you deserve better....much better. Sending peace and strength your way xx
25 May 09 Dx with CC (sigmoid colon) 2 days after my 44th b'day
CEA prior to surgery 4.7
3 Jun 09 LAR - Stage III 3/10 lymph nodes
6 Jul - 10 Dec 09 12 cycles FOLFIRI
Genetic testing - inconclusive for Lynch
Jul 12 port removed & hernia repair

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Grdngrl552
Posts: 2
Joined: Mon Sep 25, 2017 9:58 pm

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Grdngrl552 » Tue Sep 26, 2017 12:04 am

Ok girlfriend. I am sorry to hear this. But it resonates with me. My X divorced me as soon as I got through treatment. We were not getting along and I straight out asked him 'would it have been better for you if I had died?' He said 'Yes'. That was it.. right there, the end of our marriage. He tried to backtrack saying it would have been final etc. I told him it Never, ever would have been easier on my heart and soul if he died. He was a high functioning professional who was an alcoholic, and smoked weed which I know many like but it was a bad lifestyle for our family (he did it in private but I had to deal with a stoned partner who thought it gave him 'clarity') He would take my pain killers and my synthetic thc pills (so I could have an appetite while on chemo) I would run out because he would be taking them, and have to be at the pharmacy feeling sick. I had a 3yr old. He told me I would never become a landscape architect which was my dream job (and second degree later in life) he sat in marriage counseling and in front of me said I didn't deal with my cancer very well (uhhh u try having rectal cancer!!!!) so he divorced me. I became a landscape architect. I am happier now than I have been in a decade. When I realized it seemed I would survive I did not want him in my future when the next difficulty comes into life, in charge of my care. I am better off alone. Now I am thinking of buying an acre and designing and building a home he never wanted to do. It's been a journey. I can face anything. So can you - I hope you two can find your way back to each other, but you can be ok on your own. Good luck I hope things go well
Dx on 37 bday :evil:
Stage 3c RC 2008
5cm Tumor
4/33 ln
LAR
Folfox 12 tx/ rad 30tx w/xeloda
NED since

Basil
Posts: 197
Joined: Thu Mar 16, 2017 12:33 pm

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Basil » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:06 am

Congrats on making the tough choice and taking control of your life.
40 y/o male, kids 6&9
Dx 3/16/17, rectal cancer S3,t3,n1,m0
PROSPCT trial (FOLFOX in lieu of chemorad)
FOLFOX 4/5/17 - 6/26/17
LAR 7/31/17, temp ileo
pathological complete response
Adjuvant chemo cancelled (IDEA Study)
Ileo reversed 9/25/17
NED

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Shana
Posts: 114
Joined: Sun Jul 30, 2017 9:45 pm
Location: Sonoma, CA

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Shana » Tue Sep 26, 2017 3:43 am

Aqx99 wrote:One important step I took was seeing the counselor at the cancer center. I'm seeing her again next week. If she recommends that I go to someone else due to my particular issues, I'll do that. Something else I have been doing is thinking about all the things I used to like doing, but stopped because he didn't like to do them. Like camping, I love camping and haven't been in years because he refuses to go. I'm going to start planning some camping trips for when I am well again. My nurse navigator asked me an interesting question when I called to tell her that my husband had left. She asked me who I am. I honestly didn't have an answer because I changed myself so much based on him and his wishes. That's where going back to the stuff I like to do comes in. I'm taking back my life.


Yeah for taking your life back! That's empowering, you've been through so much. My husband is useless emotionally when it comes to support. He's a weenie when it comes to dealing with cancer but he'll never change. I am thankful that he has good insurance and a healthy pension and I have no other expectations. I'm lucky to have my daughters and friends and this support forum. Funny thing I never liked camping, it was so much work with the kids, he loved it. I loved Disneyland and he hated it... I'm really wanting to visit Disneyland again!

Take care, you deserve to be happy!
DX - 12/16
MSS - KRAS wild
Stage IV colon cancer with liver mets
5FU - Failed twice - 1/17 and 3/17
Irinotecan + Cetuximab: 8/17 - 2 wks on, 1 wk off to lessen side effects
CT-Scan 9/1/17. Shrinkage of liver mets (4 measurable) and no bowel blockage (surgery on 6/17 for blockage)
Removal and resection not on the table at this time as long as liver mets remain.
BB- aka colostomy is new high maintenance friend... she was a life saver
Living the new normal day by day :)

Mandabee703
Posts: 5
Joined: Sat Sep 23, 2017 11:36 pm

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Mandabee703 » Thu Sep 28, 2017 5:46 pm

So sorry. Breaking away from someone is never easy, no matter how good for you it may be. Now you can focus on YOU. Thinking about you!

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BeansMama
Posts: 952
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2016 1:38 am
Location: North Carolina

Re: My husband walked out

Postby BeansMama » Fri Sep 29, 2017 9:33 am

Hi Anne,

Lee mentioned me in her comment. I am going through something similar to you. My Ex had an affair while I was receiving Folfirinox - or as my oncologist called it "the kitchen sink". To put it bluntly I was dying and had no emotional support because he was putting all that energy into his girlfriend.

I know he couldn't handle the cancer. He keeps saying it was him and his inability to talk about his feelings. Gave me some pathetic reasons - I left the toaster on the counter, I didn't fold the towels right, I didn't make the bed as soon as I got up in the morning (I had 2 kids to get ready and out the door to school as well as getting myself ready for work or an appointment).

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Honestly it sounds like him leaving was the best thing he could have done for you. It will reduce the amount of stress and bull pucky you have to deal with so you can focus on you. I know it is difficult going through this alone. I have made friends here that I have become very close with. I have always believed that family isn't just DNA. I don't get along with my family very well and they are all still in upstate NY where I am originally from.

On a side note - how is this for coincidence.... My name is also Anne and I moved to NC from TX a year ago. Where in NC are you located?
41 yrs old
Tumor found 9/2015
Surgery 1 - 11/2015 LAR and colostomy
Surgery 2 - 11/2015 wound vac
Surgery 3 - 12/2015 revise resection, move colostomy
Mets to liver - tumor inoperable - one add'l met destroyed
Stage IVa (T3 N2a M1a)
Primary tumor 9 cm x 7.5 cm x 2 cm
Beginning Folfox 1/2016 - Failed
Beginning Folfiri and vectibix 8/2016 — Failed
Beginning Folfirinox + Avastin 11/2016 - Failed
Beginning Keytruda 1/2017
CEA drop from 345 to 7.3 after starting immunotherapy
Lynch positive 3/2016

Aqx99
Posts: 164
Joined: Fri Mar 31, 2017 7:28 am
Facebook Username: aqx99
Location: Pfafftown, NC

Re: My husband walked out

Postby Aqx99 » Fri Sep 29, 2017 4:38 pm

BeansMama wrote:Hi Anne,

Lee mentioned me in her comment. I am going through something similar to you. My Ex had an affair while I was receiving Folfirinox - or as my oncologist called it "the kitchen sink". To put it bluntly I was dying and had no emotional support because he was putting all that energy into his girlfriend.

I know he couldn't handle the cancer. He keeps saying it was him and his inability to talk about his feelings. Gave me some pathetic reasons - I left the toaster on the counter, I didn't fold the towels right, I didn't make the bed as soon as I got up in the morning (I had 2 kids to get ready and out the door to school as well as getting myself ready for work or an appointment).

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Honestly it sounds like him leaving was the best thing he could have done for you. It will reduce the amount of stress and bull pucky you have to deal with so you can focus on you. I know it is difficult going through this alone. I have made friends here that I have become very close with. I have always believed that family isn't just DNA. I don't get along with my family very well and they are all still in upstate NY where I am originally from.

On a side note - how is this for coincidence.... My name is also Anne and I moved to NC from TX a year ago. Where in NC are you located?


Talk about coincidences, I grew up in Elmira, NY. I live in Pfafftown, NC, west of Winston-Salem. I have heard people say that getting cancer was the best thing that could have happened to them, I doubted it until this all happened to me. I had no idea how trapped I was, until that huge sense of freedom washed over me a few days after the shock wore off.
Anne, 39
Stage IIIB Rectal Cancer
T3N1bM0
Diagnosed at age 39
2/21/17 Diagnosis
2/21/17 CEA 0.9 ng/mL
3/23/17 - 5/2/17 Chemoradiation, 28 treatments
6/14/17 Robotic LAR with temp loop ileostomy, ovaries and fallopian tubes removed, 2/21 lymph nodes positive
7/24/17 Started CapeOx
7/24/17 Diagnosed with precursor ovarian cancer
9/6/17 CA 125 11.1 U/mL
1/18ish Reversal

User avatar
BeansMama
Posts: 952
Joined: Thu Jan 28, 2016 1:38 am
Location: North Carolina

Re: My husband walked out

Postby BeansMama » Tue Oct 03, 2017 4:34 pm

Aqx99 wrote:
BeansMama wrote:Hi Anne,

Lee mentioned me in her comment. I am going through something similar to you. My Ex had an affair while I was receiving Folfirinox - or as my oncologist called it "the kitchen sink". To put it bluntly I was dying and had no emotional support because he was putting all that energy into his girlfriend.

I know he couldn't handle the cancer. He keeps saying it was him and his inability to talk about his feelings. Gave me some pathetic reasons - I left the toaster on the counter, I didn't fold the towels right, I didn't make the bed as soon as I got up in the morning (I had 2 kids to get ready and out the door to school as well as getting myself ready for work or an appointment).

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. Please feel free to PM me if you need to talk. Honestly it sounds like him leaving was the best thing he could have done for you. It will reduce the amount of stress and bull pucky you have to deal with so you can focus on you. I know it is difficult going through this alone. I have made friends here that I have become very close with. I have always believed that family isn't just DNA. I don't get along with my family very well and they are all still in upstate NY where I am originally from.

On a side note - how is this for coincidence.... My name is also Anne and I moved to NC from TX a year ago. Where in NC are you located?


Talk about coincidences, I grew up in Elmira, NY. I live in Pfafftown, NC, west of Winston-Salem. I have heard people say that getting cancer was the best thing that could have happened to them, I doubted it until this all happened to me. I had no idea how trapped I was, until that huge sense of freedom washed over me a few days after the shock wore off.


I completely know the feeling! The things you see after the fact. I am much happier now than I was before. And yes having cancer changes you - especially when you realize that you have been dealing with the emotional aspect on your own.

Elmira! I grew up just outside Saratoga. I'm currently just north of Charlotte.

The freedom is nice, and now you know you can beat any problems on your own. I have found myself relishing those little things that I realized I had given up for him if he didn't like something. At first I was scared to death but soon being able to do what I wanted was so wonderful.

I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Please feel free to PM me if you would like.
41 yrs old
Tumor found 9/2015
Surgery 1 - 11/2015 LAR and colostomy
Surgery 2 - 11/2015 wound vac
Surgery 3 - 12/2015 revise resection, move colostomy
Mets to liver - tumor inoperable - one add'l met destroyed
Stage IVa (T3 N2a M1a)
Primary tumor 9 cm x 7.5 cm x 2 cm
Beginning Folfox 1/2016 - Failed
Beginning Folfiri and vectibix 8/2016 — Failed
Beginning Folfirinox + Avastin 11/2016 - Failed
Beginning Keytruda 1/2017
CEA drop from 345 to 7.3 after starting immunotherapy
Lynch positive 3/2016


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