[Ana & Alex] wrote:Dear benben,
Thank you so much for your kind words and for your support. I ended up coming to the hospital and staying the night. I was very unsettled and could not sleep without medication. I don't now if I will be home today or tomorrow, but i know this was the best decision for me.
I really needed a time off and I needed rest from the pressure that I exert on myself everyday trying to keep up with life and trying to "forget" that I had cancer and still going through treatment.
It has became clear for me that what I'm feeling at the moment goes way besides the side effects of the chemotherapy. I am so tired of everything. I have been a mother, a wife, a student and an emotional support for my family since this all started - and seven very intensive months later I'm starting to loose my strengh.
Everything that has to do with this disease I've been managing on my own since the beginning. Medication, decisions, information, side effects management, talking to doctors, going to appointments... mostly alone.
Butt burn? That's ok, we're still going to the park.
Nausea? That's ok, I'm still cooking dinner for the family tonight.
Fatigue? But surely I still can play with my daughter through the afternoon and rest at night time...
Chemo brain? Still published two articles during this last few months about mouth sores and oncological patients...
And that's o-k.
Everyone is so proud of me, always boosting me up to stay strong and keep on fighting - but this is not always helpful. I am to be allowed to be weak as well sometimes, without feeling that I'm not worthy of the title of a cancer fighting champion.
Cancer is a marathon they say, not a sprint. After speaking to my Onc I'm doing oxaliplatin one more time and then I'm doing Xeloda only, will look at some supplements that can boost the benefit for chemo in my case. I just cannot go through four cycles feeling like I'm dying anymore. I'm at the end of my wits. He told me with 4 cycles we could be assured that 99% from oxaliplatin effect would be attained on a adjuvant setting.
If I have a recurrence I will deal it with when the time comes. Maybe with surgery, maybe with oxaliplatin, maybe.. Maybe.. Maybe I will be one of the lucky ones who doesn't have to deal with it at all.
But now I need to take a pause.
One more Oxi and I'm done.
Thank you so much.. so much.. so much for your support. You have been my main support when it comes to talking about this matters and regaining strength through these difficult days.
God bless you all,
Ana, I hope you're doing better and that you were able to get some good rest at the hospital.
Hopefully you're home and taking care of YOU. You can't be the "everything" that you've been prior to treatment, and that's ok.
Rest when you need it. Enjoy your family when you have good days, but delegate some of that responsibility on those around you if you can.
We can't really take care of everyone else while we aren't at our best. We need to focus on taking care of ourselves. Only when we have ourselves in good mind/body can we really be effective helping others anyways.
I hope your treatment so far, and continued Xeloda treatment will yield the best possible results for you.